deposition this week: looking for advice

[Forestaken]

Tuesday I have my deposition by her L. I know to avoid defining her as mentally ill.

Any other advice ?

[DavidWebb]

Best advice I was given...

":)escribe the behaviors, and pass on the diagnosis"

"I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable response to any L question.  Do not feel pressured to be provide answers you may be unsure of.

Don't feel too pressured or let yourself get rattled.  Cases are not decided from dispositions in offices.  Your L can fix any minor mistakes.

[maxen]

has your own L prepped you? done a mock deposition?

[livednlearned]

Right before my deposition, I reviewed all my documentation. I created a timeline and looked closely at the chronology. That came in handy -- there were moments when I really knew my facts and that came through.

In a deposition, there are two things happening. One is to lay down your testimony so the opposing L can cross-examine you during trial. And hopefully catch you in a lie to undermine your credibility. Second -- the opposing L is sizing you up to see what kind of credible witness you make. So knowing your facts, remaining calm, cool is important. Opposing L may see that his client is a loser and that will affect negotiations, knowing that you are a credible witness.

Like DW said, "I don't know" is an excellent answer. If you are asked, "Why did you scream at your wife for five hours?" You say, "I did not scream at her for five hours." Period. You don't need to explain. If you explain, you open yourself up to speculation, and that's where an L will trap you. Maybe not in the deposition, but in the hearing if it comes to that.

So answering "yes" "no" "I don't know" and "I did not do xyz" are excellent answers. I think codependent types like nons tend to be world-class explainers. Don't overthink your answers. Be respectful, polite, professional, and give as little information as possible.

In my deposition, I did not look at N/BPDx the whole time. That really helped. He was in my peripheral vision the whole time and I didn't want him to rattle me. My L told me later that he was dancing in his pants trying to get me to look at him.

Also, the advice about describing the behavior and not the diagnosis is good. But think about how you plan to do that. After your deposition, you will get a transcript of the whole conversation. Each word gets counted. I noticed in my mine that I said "confused" and "confusing" a whole bunch of times when describing N/BPDx's behavior. His L then characterized me as "confused" by everything. I never had to deal with this because n/BPDx's L withdrew. But maybe try out here how you plan to describe her behavior.

Another word I used a lot was "abuse" and variants of that word. Maybe words you want to use often to describe the pattern of her behavior are "unstable" or "risky" or "raging" or "alarming."

[livednlearned]

Also -- another piece of excellent advice I got was to pause if you needed a moment to think.

Pauses do not show up on the transcripts.

A couple of times I took some big long breaks, almost awkwardly so. I looked up, thought about how I wanted to phrase my answer, and then spoke.

An aggressive L will try to trip your trigger and get you to say something you might regret. If that happens, take a deep breath, look somewhere safe, and pause as long as you feel like. You're paying for the deposition, might as well get your money's worth 

[maxen]

I think codependent types like nons tend to be world-class explainers.

i certainly am 

[sanemom]

I was also told to answer with the fewest words possible.  That way you give them little information as to what your case is and how to approach you in trial.  For instance, if they ask, ":)id you and STBX fight often?"  Simply answer "Yes"... .make them work to get more out of you.  They would rather you go into detail about the fights, etc.  Make them ask for that.

[Ishenuts]

I have to agree with the previous posters. Do NOT explain your answers. "Yes", "No" and "I don't know" will serve you well. And if the L asks for an explanation - keep it brief.

Good luck!

[livednlearned]

I keep thinking of other things that helped me --

My L told me she was going to tap my foot under the table if she thought I was heading off track.

Your L won't be able to tell you what to say, what not to say. So have a signal. Something like two foot taps to say more, one tap to say less.

[ForeverDad]

Some questions may be tricks to corner you.  You know the famous question, "Yes or No, have you stopped beating your spouse?"  You can't answer that if you're innocent.

Also beware of the answers, "Yes, but... ." or "No, but... ."  There is a risk that they'll stop listening after the first word and no one will pay much attention to the explanation.  Ask your lawyer how to deal with those dilemmas so you don't have to second guess yourself or the questioner.

Besides collecting your thoughts, you can also pause in order to give your lawyer time to object.

[Forestaken]

I've been reading my journal from years ago, when the physical, emotional, verbal and financial abuse was almost daily.  I feel ready to vomit.  I know she is going to be there, I know she can't hurt me anymore but my chest is heavy, my head hurts, etc

My therapist says I have signs of PTSD from my marriage. Mention it? Keep it quiet?

[Waddams]

I'd be tempted to keep quiet about the PTSD for now. 

I'd also be tempted to take the journals and documentation and refer to them for answers, but only if you can do so without making them subject to discovery.

I'd also use the words "To the best of my recollection... ." or "I believe... ." or some other qualifier that leaves room for a less than rock solid detailed memory.  Try to be short, sweet, brief, honest, and at the same time leave yourself room that you can honestly say later "I didn't remember that correctly" and you can point to a transcript that leaves you an out in the event you need it if some contradiction emerges later after the deposition.

[livednlearned]

I've been reading my journal from years ago, when the physical, emotional, verbal and financial abuse was almost daily.  I feel ready to vomit.  I know she is going to be there, I know she can't hurt me anymore but my chest is heavy, my head hurts, etc

Arrive early if you can. Your L will probably have a room where you can confer before the deposition starts. I know this sounds silly, but before my trial, I took advice from colleagues and did the power pose in the bathroom stall before court started. For two whole minutes! We need an emoticon for power poses 

Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are: www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

Picture all of us with you in the deposition, supporting you. Believing in you. If you make a mistake, or doubt yourself, move on and be gentle with yourself. Your best ammunition is to be calm. Don't look at your ex if you feel it increases your anxiety. This is a big opportunity to take care of yourself and focus on you.

My deposition gave me a pounding headache. I think my body temperature dropped about 10 degrees. I forgot to drink water and felt dehydrated afterward. But I felt it was almost cathartic to tell my story. I could see in the other L's eyes that he was getting the full story for the first time, realizing his client was a loose cannon.

You'll do fine 

[sanemom]

Don't bring documentation because they can use it for their case.  If you don't remember correctly, "I don't remember" is a perfectly good answer.

[whirlpoollife]

Wish for you the best today

In the next few months it will be my turn and I am nervous reading this but learning a great deal.

[Forestaken]

Thank you all (Sanemom, livednlearned, whirlpoollife, Waddams, ForeverDad, Ishenuts, maxen, Davidwebb)

I remembered to keep it short.

My L told me to give answers like a 3 year old

If I needed time to think, I paused.

Plus

If I wanted to break her L's rhythm:

I asked to repeat the question.

I stated I didn't understand the question

Stated "I'm not following you"

Finally at the end:

When asked about my obiligation (her L avoided topics of abuse), I stated that "It was beaten out of me by her fists."  The L challenged me about calling the PD or CPS.  I stated "I was scared of her and the kids were scared of her."

[sanemom]

I am glad it went well!  It sounds like you are a pro now.

[Forestaken]

My L said I did good.

Since her L was looking for $$, and I was especially perplexed on how to answer some questions like:

How much do you feel she needs?

How much can you cut from your budget?


What was perplexing to me was her L used my expenses  from 1 year ago not the one I supplied 3 weeks ago.  So, I began to see a pattern where her L  would ask about expenses that went down but not ask about expenses/balances that went up.  Her L would write on the paper and ask me to confirm the figures without me seeing what was written.  I ask to see.  When I notice her L failed to make the higher balances/expenses I stated it did not because the lower balance for Account A is inaccurate.  Tricky

[maxen]

sounds like you passed, forestaken!

my L said she'd be prepping me for deposition.

L: "can you tell me the time?"

me: "yes, it's about 2:30."

try again.

L: "can you tell me the time?"

me: "yes."

[sanemom]

sounds like you passed, forestaken!

my L said she'd be prepping me for deposition.

L: "can you tell me the time?"

me: "yes, it's about 2:30."

try again.

L: "can you tell me the time?"

me: "yes."

LOVE IT! 

[Forestaken]

sounds like you passed, forestaken!

my L said she'd be prepping me for deposition.

L: "can you tell me the time?"

me: "yes, it's about 2:30."

try again.

L: "can you tell me the time?"

me: "yes."

LOL - I love it!