Hi EdR,
We are often advised to define and protect clear boundaries. However when we would enforce such a boundary, the pwBPD may very well get triggered.
But to avoid this 'being triggered' or to even prevent it from happening we're advised to disengage and not get involved.
Imo this is a paradox. And I'm really interested in what people think about this. Should we (in my italic post) just accept the 'nothing happened' attitude and go on with the show? What's both your opinion and what are experts' opinions.
Boundaries are vital and a great deal of us on these boards have not been very good at establishing and upholding those. In a high conflict relationship it's better to have a few main boundaries and to not sweat the little stuff.
It's not so much about not triggering our partner with our boundaries, though, as much as not taking it personally when they get triggered. Yes, validate their feelings, use communications tools and take time-outs. But sometimes our partners will dysregulate. That's the reality of the situation. So be it, best for us then is to detach, see the behaviour for what it is: an expression of a disorder. To arrive at this point greatly reduces the stress for us and allows us to stay in a more loving mind frame as opposed to doing things out of fear which creates resentment.
As for the nothing happened-attitude: yes, it's the professional advice (and my personal experience) is that this is the best way to handle it. If we wish to say something about what happened, better to do it at another time where the wounds aren't so fresh.
