Starting the Divorce process

[overcomer]

Hello Everyone

After 20yrs of living with my uBPDw I had enough and moved out two week ago this Thursday.  It's been a great time for me and I feel alive and refreshed.  I knew the night before that I would never return but haven't shared that with her.  I hoping to begin the dissolution process some time in November.  I'm hoping my uBPDw will agree to an uncontested divorce.  She has stated to me several times in the past that she wouldn't blame me for leaving and that I deserve better.  That's during the times she painted white.  When I was painted black she would make statements that she needs someone who will love her and treat her better.  Yet she holds the belief that marriage is for life so she's willing to work as hard she can to save it.  My plan is to let her know that I'm not coming back and moving on with my life.  I will ask her kindly to release and let me move on with my life.  She is a spiritual person and desires to do things honorably most of the time so I'm hoping to reach her through that area of her life.  The best scenario would be an uncontested divorce.  I'm prepared to walk away from our home and take only what belonged only to me.  This kids will stay with her since I'm in a travel trailer.  I'm not worried about them because she treats them like a king and queen.  She cares deeply for them and for the most part is a wonderful mother.

I don't foresee the divorce getting ugly due to her reputation in our small community.  She has many things she feels called to do so maintaining her reputation as helpful and kind is important to her.  I'm hoping this will work to help me move through this process both quickly and easily.  I'm not naïve about what could happen but I really do believe that it's possible for it not to escalate. 

I'm hoping to tell her this week or next that I'm not coming back.  I can probably base my next move on her reaction since this will probably send her into disregulation.  Only time can tell. 

[ForeverDad]

With you gone as her White Knight / Whipping Boy, depending on her mood of the moment, is it possible that some of her mood-enhanced blaming could be transferred to them?  That's a big what-if concern for me.

Another concern is that if they've always been treated as King and Queen, is there a higher risk they'll develop more entitled Narcissistic tendencies than they would otherwise?  Real Life may hit them hard when they're grown, developing careers and choosing life partners.  You want them to choose well balanced spouses, not passive appeasers or persons with weak boundaries (as you may have been) nor erratic controllers or dictators (as your spouse may have been).

The kids are older, only about 4 years left until they're adults.  It's been said that after the youths get their drivers licenses they can "vote with their feet" and court may not force them to stay.  If so, then try to have a home where you can have an open door and a place to stay as needed.  You don't want them to feel stuck in a tough situation nor pressured to feel parentified and have to take care of their mother.

I encourage you to remind the children periodically that you will always have an open door for your children.  Why?  You may rightly feel you were driven away but your ex may keep saying, to the point of indoctrination, that you abandoned them, didn't care for them, didn't love them, and just walked away without looking back.  You need to make sure that doesn't happen.  Read the introduction to Divorce Poison, Richard Warshak states that the passive silent 'high road' is not noble nor right, it's self-defeating and self-sabotaging if the other parent is painting you actively or passively as a bad person or parent.

[overcomer]

Thanks for that insight Forever Dad.  I guess I overstated when I said she treats them like a king and queen.  She's actually a very good mother just a terrible wife due to BPD.  We've always had strong boundaries for our children and so far our children have excellent character, listen well at school, loved by coaches, work hard, and enjoy life.  That's what made it so hard to move out... .I hated to stir up their world.

But back to the point:  She's a good mother.  I will keep the door open for my children.  My son wanted to come to my place or the first time last night to hang out.  That made me feel good.   

I will try to be aware of all the things you spoke of.  Thank you!

[ForeverDad]

She's actually a very good mother just a terrible wife due to BPD.

Obviously our ex-spouses are different people, but the above sentence could describe my ex.  SHe was not a neglectful mother and she didn't beat up our child.  I got custody a couple years ago and am in family court with a pending case seeking majority parenting time.  More and more the case is revolving around her distorted behaviors with our child.  In years past I had concerns I was seeing shades of Factitious Disorder By Proxy.  I say shades since it seems it was done to block my parenting but was not her primary behavior, that was paranoid obsession that all but her were "probably" abusers.  She would claim son was ill or harmed by me and that she was the one bringing it to light by going to doctors, CPS, therapists, hospitals, etc.  (It used to be called Munchausen's.)

When he was younger the court mostly ignored it since young children aren't expected to make many decisions.  But as he got older the court was able to see her blocking our child's normal development, she obstructed sleepovers with his friends on my time, she obstructed son from riding the bus home on my days and wait there until I got home.  In her mind it was unsafe for him to be a latchkey kid for a few hours after school.  (However, he loves it!)

Every time something new happens, she can't handle it and resists.  Since she sees me as having no authority - despite now being the Legal Guardian - they've often turned into court struggles.

What am I saying?  Just that even though the conflict has mostly been focused on you until now, your children remain nearby and as they grow older and get increasing independence they could be affected in different ways and to a greater extent now that you're not the handiest target.  In other words, post-divorce it might be different.

[overcomer]

Thanks ForeverDad for hanging in there with me.  I'm feeling apprehensive about starting the divorce process just because I know it will stir up new storms and battles yet I want to free myself from this person and move on with my life.  I'm not sure what type of parenting plan I will suggest.  I'm not looking forward to hashing out the details with my uBPDw.  I'm hoping it will go smoothly but I know that that might not be realistic.  My kids are both older (S16/D14) so I believe they have the right to choose where they want to live but I don't want to force them into making a choice.  I may see if my son wants to live with me part time.  Not sure yet.  I'm heading out into territory that is unfamiliar for me so any insight is greatly appreciated.

[livednlearned]

Thanks ForeverDad for hanging in there with me.  I'm feeling apprehensive about starting the divorce process just because I know it will stir up new storms and battles yet I want to free myself from this person and move on with my life.  I'm not sure what type of parenting plan I will suggest.  I'm not looking forward to hashing out the details with my uBPDw.  I'm hoping it will go smoothly but I know that that might not be realistic.  My kids are both older (S16/D14) so I believe they have the right to choose where they want to live but I don't want to force them into making a choice.  I may see if my son wants to live with me part time.  Not sure yet.  I'm heading out into territory that is unfamiliar for me so any insight is greatly appreciated.

Ditto to what FD said -- I would read Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison to help equip you with some tools and techniques to help your kids if your ex starts to lie about you to them. Normal rules don't apply (such as not putting the kids in the middle). When one parent puts the kids in the middle, it's your job to help them with the truth. But you have to do it in a specific way, and Warshak helps with that.

I'm prepared to walk away from our home and take only what belonged only to me.

This will concern your lawyer. After decades living with a pwBPD, you are probably more conflict avoidant than many people. It may feel easier to dodge conflict by giving her everything, but the healing feelings you're experiencing now are going to strengthen. Careful about sabotaging yourself right now while you're in transition. I did that -- tried to just walk away from everything. My L advocated for me at a time I couldn't. I just didn't have the strength, and like you, was relieved just to be out of the house.

Maybe walking away turns out to be what's right for you. Take your time -- there's no need to push the process too fast.

In terms of the details of the parenting plan, what are the issues that most concern you?

[ForeverDad]

My kids are both older (S16/D14) so I believe they have the right to choose where they want to live but I don't want to force them into making a choice.

While you don't want to force them into making a choice... .but an acting-out disordered person won't have such qualms.  Be aware of that difference, a passive approach may not be appropriate in this case.  Even Richard Warshak in his introduction to Divorce Poison warned of taking the high moral road of silence since there was high risk of pressuring, manipulation and even alienation by the misbehaving spouse.

When one parent puts the kids in the middle, it's your job to help them with the truth. But you have to do it in a specific way, and Warshak helps with that.

I'm prepared to walk away from our home and take only what belonged only to me.

This will concern your lawyer. After decades living with a pwBPD, you are probably more conflict avoidant than many people. It may feel easier to dodge conflict by giving her everything, but the healing feelings you're experiencing now are going to strengthen. Careful about sabotaging yourself right now while you're in transition. I did that -- tried to just walk away from everything. My L advocated for me at a time I couldn't. I just didn't have the strength, and like you, was relieved just to be out of the house.

Maybe walking away turns out to be what's right for you. Take your time -- there's no need to push the process too fast.

In terms of the details of the parenting plan, what are the issues that most concern you?

I feel that by far the majority of members here were conflict avoidant.  Partly that is due to our personality, party due to how our boundaries were so thoroughly smashed and trampled.  Partly that is also because it seemed the only course of action to take in order to make the relationship, such as it was/is, to last as long as it did.

However, avoiding conflict didn't help, it became appeasement and was interpreted as weakness, not strength.  It fed the other's sense of entitlement and control.

In a manner of speaking, obtaining a divorce is (finally) setting a firm boundary... .This far and no more.  There is nothing wrong about setting proper firm boundaries.  To the contrary, they are needed in every relationship.  The flip side is that you should not regret having prior weak boundaries because (1) what's done is done, you can't unwind history and (2) there is no guarantee that having good boundaries before would have managed to make the marriage healthy and not dysfunctional.

[livednlearned]

I feel that by far the majority of members here were conflict avoidant.  Partly that is due to our personality, party due to how our boundaries were so thoroughly smashed and trampled.  Partly that is also because it seemed the only course of action to take in order to make the relationship, such as it was/is, to last as long as it did.

However, avoiding conflict didn't help, it became appeasement and was interpreted as weakness, not strength.  It fed the other's sense of entitlement and control.

In a manner of speaking, obtaining a divorce is (finally) setting a firm boundary... .This far and no more.  There is nothing wrong about setting proper firm boundaries.  To the contrary, they are needed in every relationship.  The flip side is that you should not regret having prior weak boundaries because (1) what's done is done, you can't unwind history and (2) there is no guarantee that having good boundaries before would have managed to make the marriage healthy and not dysfunctional.

One thing to add -- don't underestimate how much your kids deeply want to see you stand up for yourself. I thought avoiding conflict was helping my son, but what helped him most was seeing me assert my boundaries. Seeing you do that gives them hope that they can do it too. Maybe not now, maybe not easily, but they'll realize it's possible.

We say it a lot here, but it's so true -- taking care of yourself and putting yourself first is healthy. I don't know why we all struggle so much with that. Maybe try it and see how it affects your kids. See how it affects you.

Me, I found it exhilarating 

[overcomer]

Thank you everyone for you words and I appreciate them greatly.  In the past I was a very passive person but I must say that one gift my uBPDw gave me was a backbone.  As our marriage progressed I initially became less resistant to her control.  I'm not sure when it changed but about 5yrs ago I hit a low point and began to slowly reassert my identity and rights as a human being.  You can be assured that my uBPDw did not take this kindly but escalated her reactions.  That's probably what led us to this point.  Neither was willing to budge so we interacted at a standstill for quite a few years.  She called it rude and uncaring... .I called it healthy boundaries and self-respect.  It all culminated in her telling me I could move out and me moving out.  She regretted saying it the next day but by then I had made up my mind and was long gone.

I now am definitely not a passive person at this time.  I freely speak my mind and share my opinion in a healthy manner. I'm no longer a doormat or an emotional punching bag.  I am a person of strength and now walk with confidence in the day. Since that switch in me my kids have recognized me as the "Alpha Male" and show me love and respect.  I have been their stable rock in a sea of emotion.   

I don't fear her or her reactions but am prepared for whatever she may fling at me.  I will check out the book Divorce Poison to gain any helpful info for the divorce process.   Thank you everyone for your encouragement!