Why Does uBPD Wife Reacts To My Emotions?

[SimplySeattle]

When I first started my relationship with the woman who is now my wife, she used to read my face and then react to it. For instance, if I walked in the house and looked frustrated, she would not ask me what is wrong, but respond with anger instead. She has told me that if I'm happy, then it is easier for her to be loving, but if I'm down or not feeling well, then I get no emotions (numb) from her.

One day, I didn't sleep well and we had planned to go for a drive into the city. On the way, I was really quiet because of the lack of sleep and she reacted to it. Many times since that day she claims that I was upset and she responded by not being loving.

Another day, when I didn't sleep well, I made it a point to tell her in the morning that I didn't sleep well and that I'll probably be quiet during the day. Then, several times during the day, she kept asking me if I was tired?

Why is this?

[Surnia]

Some people don't know how to handle someone's emotions.

It could be guilt:

I should do something so he/she feels better.

I did something wrong so he/she feels ... .

My exh had huge difficulties with my emotions. I could made good worded I statements like "I feel sad about something" (nothing to do with him!) and he went in anger mood at once.

[Dr.Me2]

Can it be that a pwBPD expects the non to be the emotional caretaker and not the other way around.

At the root of emotional dysregulation lies the inability to own your own feelings and blame others for them.

[Rose Tiger]

It's the whole enmeshment issue, people with BPD didn't meet that childhood milestone of learning they were a separate entity than mother.  They never graduated past mother and I are one entity.  They know how to enmesh where two minds think as one.  When you are feeling something that is very contary to how they are feeling, it is extremely difficult and uncomfortable for them.  Same thing when they are highly charged, and you remain calm.  It is too unique individual for them to handle.

Also they 'read' faces as much more intense that we really are feeling.  They might read a thoughtful face as angry.  You might be contemplated which came first the chicken or the egg and they are getting upset that you are mad.  It's disordered thinking processes.

It's perfectly ok for you to have different feelings, it takes some special communication training to keep the peace though, staying board has really good communication training help.

[maxsterling]

I experience pretty much the same thing with my dBPDgf.

I read somewhere (probably here) that a study was conducted between pwBPD and nonBPD about reading facial expressions - where the pwBPD more often interpreted neutral expressions as angry or negative.   

I like Rose Tiger's explanation as it seems to fit with what I experience.  My girlfriend had an unstable and abusive mother, and a father who was also abusive but in a different way.  I think growing up with that she developed tendencies to try and read her mother's emotions as to anticipate or avoid abuse.  I think she does the same in adulthood.  If I am not smiling, she assumes I am sad, mad at her, angry, worried, serious, etc.  She constantly tells me I have an expressive face and that I am less attractive when I am not smiling.  And if I am not smiling, it doesn't take but 5 minutes before she asks:

"what is wrong?" 

"Are you angry with me"

"Why are you upset with me?"

99% of the time nothing is wrong, I'm just not smiling, and she interprets it as negative.  The contradiction here is that she gets very frustrated and upset if someone asks the same of her.