Hi earthgirl,
When my husband gets angry, he raises his voice. If I ask for a time out, he wants to keep going. Sometimes he will stop but sometimes it seems like he can't. Sometimes this happens in the car and I can't get away. He was in a previous relationship for a long time with someone and the way they resolved their conflicts was to yell loudly at each other and say abusive things to one another (they both thought this worked for them, they called it "clearing the air."
I have tried to explain to him that I can't handle being yelled at (or even spoken to in a raised voice) -- I got a lot of yelling/emotional abuse from my mother growing up and it puts me in a very bad place very quickly -- I just can't handle it.
I've asked him not to yell/raise his voice, and his response is always: "You really don't like conflict/don't know how to handle conflict." Of course that's not true, in my last relationship (like any relationship) there was conflict but we spoke respectfully to each other.
I've tried to validate, explain that yes, it sounds like that worked for him before, it must seem strange to try to resolve conflict in a different way when that is not what he is used to.
Here's the thing: he is trying, but it makes him incredibly frustrated to try to regulate his tone, it almost makes him angrier, like it would be easier/quicker if I just let him go off on me. And there's this idea that I am fragile and need special handling or something.
This is SO frustrating to me: I want him to KNOW that it's not healthy to yell, and my request that he not do so has nothing to do with me "not being able to handle conflict."
Halp!
There is a certain point where validation can't reach the other side anymore. It is not ok to get yelled at in regular intervals. It seems also the case that he is not able to control himself so any amount of explaining does not help. However actions tend still to get through. So the only option you have are
boundaries (links in LESSONS5) and mostly using
timeouts (workshop) i.e. walking out on him for a limited time. It is not easy and scary the first times but it tends to change the conflict dynamic usually for the better and saves a lot of energy.
PS: therapy is out of the question right now (financial reasons) but I am hoping we can start in a few months.
You are already talking about conflicts and communication. He seems to be trying but he also knows he is used to a different style ("clearing the air". Maybe working together through "The high conflict couple" (
see book review section) could be an option? It would help both sides to express emotions better improving validation and self validation capability. But just to be clear - him learning to do better won't save you having to take a stand and establish boundaries, see links above.