I get it

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I know that the change has to come from within me. I've read it, I've heard it in therapy and such. I know it. But I think I get it more now.

Long story short, my mother poisoned my inlaws against me and I had to deal with the fallout from that this holiday. Basically mother lied (though not really lying because she believes it) about how disturbed and unreasonable I am - you guys know the drill. MIL - a nice, but distant woman who I am not close to despite 16 years in this family - believed it all and spread it to her daughter, Older SIL. OSIL decided to email me telling me to get help and then followed up with her own opinions of me and my kids. Fun all around.

I set the record straight and MIL is contrite now (there was more to it than that but it's not really the point of the post) but my relationship with OSIL will never be friendly again after this.

I am also allergic to the pets in the house which they apparently don't believe because they thought me leaving early sometimes was part of me being disturbed. I set that straight too. Firm but polite.

But the point is that Thanksgiving was annoying and stressful. We tip toed around each other and pretended it all hadn't happened. I have decided to hell with them and spent most of the dinner away from the table hanging out with my son instead. I'm done trying basically. I'll be politely friendly but that's it.

I fully intend to stop going to holidays at my family once my kids are grown and now that the inlaws are acting up, I don't see me going to their house in the far future either.

But then something hit me.

My daughter is dating for the first time and I don't like the person she is dating at all. Ok, they're probably not going to marry, they're young, it's a first relationship, but what if she marries someone I don't like? The stress and tenseness at holidays will be the rest of my freaking life.

And I was thinking maybe that's just what holidays are supposed to be. Stress and grief. There are so many movies about it, stories about it, tv shows about it. Maybe this is just *it*.

And that's when I finally get it. I need to change *me*. I need to get to the point where I can deal with people I don't like in a healthy manner. Cutting my mother and sister off was fine and I have grown so much since leaving them, but I can't walk away from every awkward relationship I have. There's a difference between abuse and just jerky behavior, you know?

I have to find a way to deal with the jerky, but not abusive, people in my life. I'd have no problem walking away from OSIL but what if DD marries someone I can't stand? I have to be able to deal with that in a healthy way.

Anyway, just my epiphany for the day.

[BlueCat]

I know that the change has to come from within me. I've read it, I've heard it in therapy and such. I know it. But I think I get it more now.

Long story short, my mother poisoned my inlaws against me and I had to deal with the fallout from that this holiday. Basically mother lied (though not really lying because she believes it) about how disturbed and unreasonable I am - you guys know the drill. MIL - a nice, but distant woman who I am not close to despite 16 years in this family - believed it all and spread it to her daughter, Older SIL. OSIL decided to email me telling me to get help and then followed up with her own opinions of me and my kids. Fun all around.

I set the record straight and MIL is contrite now (there was more to it than that but it's not really the point of the post) but my relationship with OSIL will never be friendly again after this.

I am also allergic to the pets in the house which they apparently don't believe because they thought me leaving early sometimes was part of me being disturbed. I set that straight too. Firm but polite.

But the point is that Thanksgiving was annoying and stressful. We tip toed around each other and pretended it all hadn't happened. I have decided to hell with them and spent most of the dinner away from the table hanging out with my son instead. I'm done trying basically. I'll be politely friendly but that's it.

I fully intend to stop going to holidays at my family once my kids are grown and now that the inlaws are acting up, I don't see me going to their house in the far future either.

But then something hit me.

My daughter is dating for the first time and I don't like the person she is dating at all. Ok, they're probably not going to marry, they're young, it's a first relationship, but what if she marries someone I don't like? The stress and tenseness at holidays will be the rest of my freaking life.

And I was thinking maybe that's just what holidays are supposed to be. Stress and grief. There are so many movies about it, stories about it, tv shows about it. Maybe this is just *it*.

And that's when I finally get it. I need to change *me*. I need to get to the point where I can deal with people I don't like in a healthy manner. Cutting my mother and sister off was fine and I have grown so much since leaving them, but I can't walk away from every awkward relationship I have. There's a difference between abuse and just jerky behavior, you know?

I have to find a way to deal with the jerky, but not abusive, people in my life. I'd have no problem walking away from OSIL but what if DD marries someone I can't stand? I have to be able to deal with that in a healthy way.

Anyway, just my epiphany for the day.

[Marcia]

It could be that the in laws are just normal, flawed people who made a mistake and are sorry. People who aren't used to BPD's don't understand the lies and the meanness all of us are used to, having lived with it all of our lives.

While it was bad of them to gossip and spread negativity, what really sucks is your BPD mom's behavior spreading poison for no reason.

I'd say, just go back to being your normal, kind self and let the rest of them learn from this and hopefully not make the same mistake again. They misbehaved, yes, but may truly be sorry for it, now.

And, take care of yourself, this kind of thing is so hurtful... .and you did not deserve it!

[BlueCat]

Unfortunately, OSIL used this as an opportunity to tell me what's wrong with both of my kids and I have a hard time moving past that. My teen daughter has already stopped going to the in-laws and after reading what OSIL emailed me, I think my daughter is just smarter than I am. She knew. I knew but kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal, but yeah, it was.

They're generally just flawed, normal people, but I guess I have to also get used to my mother recruiting enablers, you know? My mother is very good at presenting a public persona. It's going to happen again. Sigh.

[Marcia]

Sounds like OSIL needs to get a life. I know what you mean about the enablers, they can be an additional hassle. Good luck, and great your daughter already knows how to set boundaries!