Need advice (18 month old daughter)

[santa]

So, my BPD ex took off with my daughter about 4 months ago and went to live with her father about 400 miles away. She asked me to come with her for a month and I couldn't, but then after she was gone about 2 weeks, she decided to stay and suddenly hated me. She says I can't see the baby until I sign a custody agreement because she's afraid I'll "try to steal her baby", even though I've never said or done anything that would even remotely make her think that. Anyway, we went to court once and the judge gave me visitation that day, but that's the only time I've been able to see my daughter in the last 4 months. I've signed 2 custody agreements so far that her lawyer prepared (joint custody with the baby living with her/visitation for me) and she has refused to sign either one even though I've tried to just give her exactly what she wants to end this charade.

Nevertheless, over the last 4 months, she's been calling almost everyday and "letting me talk to the baby" for about 15 minutes even though the baby really doesn't know English yet.

I'm wondering if I should just break all contact for awhile. I think it's hurting me more than it's helping to keep answering these calls everyday. Obviously if I break contact it won't last forever, but I'm thinking that it might give me some peace. It doesn't seem to make sense for her to insist on calling everyday, but then hold my daughter prisoner and not let me see her. Maybe my ex is doing it to make herself feel better about blowing up our family, although I doubt she even cares really. I love my daughter, but I can't deal with her mother. I might just need to detach from this for awhile.

What do you guys think?

[santa]

To add to this, my ex was hugging and kissing me and saying how much she loves me as she was leaving. So, it's not like we were in some huge fight. I think it's an object constancy problem with her. It seems like any time we were apart for more than a few days, she'd develop anger towards me.

[DreamGirl]

Don't stop talking to your baby. 

Does she still live 400 miles away? What's the hold up as far as visitation?

[santa]

Don't stop talking to your baby. 

Does she still live 400 miles away? What's the hold up as far as visitation?

Yes, she's still 400 miles away.

She just says I can't visit until there's a custody agreement. I guess I'm afraid she'll call the police if I go there.

[DreamGirl]

She just says I can't visit until there's a custody agreement. I guess I'm afraid she'll call the police if I go there.

What's the hold up on the custody agreement?

It's not really fair to your daughter not to see her Daddy.  :'(

[livednlearned]

Hi santa   

I'm wondering if a consultation with an attorney might help here? You can usually talk to an attorney for free (or else $50 or $100) for about 30 minutes -- you don't have to retain them. That might help you see whether the police would even do anything if you went to visit your daughter. Not an ideal way to see her, but sometimes you have to spend some time (and maybe a bit of money) to make sure you know how these types of custody situations work.

When I was going through my divorce/custody, I thought about the kind of relationship I wanted to have with my son in 10 years, and what relationship I wanted him to have with his dad. Then I worked back from there, which helped me make decisions. If you want to have a relationship with your daughter, you might have to make a difficult decision about asserting yourself here, otherwise you could lose her.

Any chance you have a relationship with your ex's dad?   

[momtara]

Don't sign anything else.  Don't give away your rights.

I am sorry that this happened.  She moved so far away that it makes it really hard to deal with this situation.

But you have a right to see your daughter and not have to travel seven hours to do so.

Yes, post on avvo.com for free (lawyers will respond) and sometimes you can get free hour-long consutlations with attorneys in your area.  You can also post on avvo and put in different states so you get lawyers in various states giving their opinions - including the state she now lives in.

You shouldn't have to be the one to drive all the way out there to see a baby.  Your wife should somehow meet you halfway or something.

I don't want you to end up in a situation like many here who never get to see their kids, unless you're ok with that for a while.  You can always fight it when she's a bit older, but really she should be seeing you regularly at her age.  In my state, they believe that kids that age should have regular contact with both parents, even if there are no overnights.

To answer your question about stopping the contact, I'm not sure.  I think that maintaining it at least helps you make a case for more visitation/custody in the future.  Plus, what if you avoid it and she just never calls you anymore?  Then you'll wonder if your daughter is ok. 

Tape the calls, keep a journal, keep phone records and write the times on a calendar every day that you talk to her.

If you are ok not being in her life so much, that's totally fine.  It seems very painful to try to press.  If, however, you may want more someday, you should prepare.

Regarding the cops, your wife can get a restraining order against you at any time, so even if some attorney tells you you can go out there, you should ask about that.  There are ways to do it.

[Free One]

She just says I can't visit until there's a custody agreement. I guess I'm afraid she'll call the police if I go there.

What's the hold up on the custody agreement?

It's not really fair to your daughter not to see her Daddy.  :'(

Where I live, parents have equal rights to the child when there is no custody order in place, and her actions would be withholding, which would be illegal.

Can you call the police department prior to trying to visit and see what they would do, if anything?