It is just about to go legal for our daughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here we go.

Just a quick post. My wife has been behaving with her in-laws and in front of our 1 year old in just the same way as she did with me. Anger, violence, shouting etc'. It has obviously upset our little one and she has started to have night tremors. Social services have advised that I seek residency. I went to see a solicitor yesterday and will watch other posts in this part of the board with interest.

Hardly slept last night worrying about our daughter and her future security. The court processes in the UK take so long and I need to secure our daughters future before foster carers become involved. To complicate the residency a bit I am disabled and will need assessments from adult services to ensure the correct equipment is in place.

I need to keep a clear head and stay focused for our daughter.

Good luck to you all.

Onwards!

[ZigofZag]

Here we go.

Just a quick post. My wife has been behaving with her in-laws and in front of our 1 year old in just the same way as she did with me. Anger, violence, shouting etc'. It has obviously upset our little one and she has started to have night tremors. Social services have advised that I seek residency. I went to see a solicitor yesterday and will watch other posts in this part of the board with interest.

Hardly slept last night worrying about our daughter and her future security. The court processes in the UK take so long and I need to secure our daughters future before foster carers become involved. To complicate the residency a bit I am disabled and will need assessments from adult services to ensure the correct equipment is in place.

I need to keep a clear head and stay focused for our daughter.

Good luck to you all.

Onwards!

[momtara]

Good luck.  tape record the episodes, etc.  You may need proof.

[ForeverDad]

When I called my county's CPS, twice in the 7 months before we separated, I was asked, "Was your spouse ranting and raging at your 3 year old child?"  I had to admit, "No, just at me but he's there and wilts as she's raging."  I was instructed, "Call back if she rants or rages at him."

Apparently in my area mere exposure to DV threats, rants, rages, etc is not basis for agency intervention. :'(

[ZigofZag]

Children & Young People Service (CYPS) aka Social Services over here in England initially put our daughter under a child protection plan after my wife accused me of DV. Unbelievable after years of her being violent towards me. The accusation came after I told a GP about the violence when we had a joint appointment. Silly boy.

CYPS used "emotional abuse" as the reason to put our daughter under protection.My wife and daughter moved in with the in-laws. As mentioned, my wife (predictable) carried on getting angry and violent. So, the protection plan did not protect our daughter at all.

We are on our third social worker in the nine months. Thankfully she has come from a mental health background and seen through my wife and her (superbly played) victim role. Yesterday they moved my wife out to a hostel. This gives the court process time to work and our daughter will not need to be taken away from the in-laws care. Phew, no foster care.

I am so relieved that we have a social worker that has stepped in and taken the action needed to implement the protection plan and that our daughter is no longer subject to the ranting and shouting.

Here is a weird one, my wife described our 11 month old as "Spiteful" . Anyone else had examples of totally inappropriate naming? Worried me.

[ZigofZag]

Good luck.  tape record the episodes, etc.  You may need proof.

Even though there is a 6 year documented history of incidents, the police have records, the GP, my employers, knew ,my friends were aware, the neighbours had witnessed, the voluntary agencies I work in had records of conversations I had with them, and my family have all been aware of what was going on and it counted for nothing.

When she accused me of something that I am physically incapable of doing, strangling her!(aha, almost forgot, I have medical evidence that the accusations must have been false, my arm is so disabled I can't lift it higher that 20 degrees). They were shown her hand written letters asking for forgiveness after hitting me.

Yep, all counted for NOTHING, zero, zilch.

It has been hard to live without my daughter for nine months and sit in meetings listening to "how well" my wife was doing and how she was working and responding to the support and therapy at the domestic violence groups, (and all the other support groups she seems to be addicted to).

I wish I had some physical evidence of her behaviour or anything that they would have believed, although, I doubt that they would have listened to anything following her DV victim performance.

I have been taken in by her various victim roles for years and I used her "history of abuse stories" as justification for her behaviour towards me.

Following her allegations against me it went "ding" that is one story which I know is not true. Bet that there have been a few accusations against others that are also untrue. When we get the court procedures' out of the way and our daughter is secure there will be a few people who I will need to apologise to for alienating them over the last few years. 

I am old enough to know that the truth will always come out eventually and big enough to take the "evil wife beater" looks her support workers would give me at the review meetings. Our daughter though, well she has had to live with my wifes behaviour at a key development stage. The last 9 months are unforgivable, the rest of her life hangs in the balance.

[Matt]

Momtara suggested audio recording - a very good idea.  You can ask your solicitor what is legal where you live - some places it's OK, some places it's not.

Any other documentation you can gather will be super-helpful.

Your solicitor can also explain to you how the whole process works where you live.  For example, where I live, it was very helpful to ask the court to appoint a psychologist to be Custody Evaluator.  He interviewed both parents, and the kids, and some others, and tested both parents, which led to my wife being diagnosed with BPD and other stuff.

It may also be helpful to find a good therapist for your son - too early for talk-therapy but maybe another kind like play-therapy.  It's a long-term help, not a quick fix, but could make a big difference to his health over time.

Also, I would suggest you consider separating from your wife as soon as possible, even before custody is decided.  The reason is that you are at risk for more false accusations.  That can make everything worse.

[catnap]

Here is a weird one, my wife described our 11 month old as "Spiteful" . Anyone else had examples of totally inappropriate naming? Worried me.

If a baby cries, or refuses to cooperate in getting dressed, or whatever it is not because that is just what babies do. She may be taking it as the baby is doing this to me just to be spiteful.  Ridiculous, yes, but she might really believe it.

Son's exgf would let their 2-month old cry and when my son went tend her told him don't do that she is already "spoiled".  She also claimed to just love fat babies, so intentionally overfed the child (when my son got sole custody of her at 7 months, she was the weight of a 2 year old. It took a whole year for her to grow into the weight) and she would post pictures of her on Facebook calling her "Wide Load" and "Fatty". 

[Matt]

Here is a weird one, my wife described our 11 month old as "Spiteful" . Anyone else had examples of totally inappropriate naming? Worried me.

If a baby cries, or refuses to cooperate in getting dressed, or whatever it is not because that is just what babies do. She may be taking it as the baby is doing this to me just to be spiteful.  Ridiculous, yes, but she might really believe it.

Son's exgf would let their 2-month old cry and when my son went tend her told him don't do that she is already "spoiled".  She also claimed to just love fat babies, so intentionally overfed the child (when my son got sole custody of her at 7 months, she was the weight of a 2 year old. It took a whole year for her to grow into the weight) and she would post pictures of her on Facebook calling her "Wide Load" and "Fatty". 

This is probably projection.  A good reason to get a psychologist involved - someone who could figure that out.

[ZigofZag]

Any other documentation you can gather will be super-helpful.

where I live, it was very helpful to ask the court to appoint a psychologist to be Custody Evaluator.  He interviewed both parents, and the kids, and some others, and tested both parents, which led to my wife being diagnosed with BPD and other stuff.

Also, I would suggest you consider separating from your wife as soon as possible, even before custody is decided.  The reason is that you are at risk for more false accusations.  That can make everything worse.

Thanks for the input.

All the past documentation may be of benefit now that it will be before the courts (I filed the papers today). There are copies from past reports and references to her behaviour which I have documented.

CYPS - Children & Young People Services (Social Services) have realised that there is a need for some further investigation with my wife. This needs to happen for the good of our daughter. Not sure if we can ask for evaluations but the court could and probably will.

My wife and I have been living separately since she made the accusations against me in February.

She moved in with her parents and our child. Her behaviour has continued since being there. She has started to idealise me and wants to return to our relationship (as was) and now sees her parents as the "problem". I can not see me going back now.

Priority Number 1: I am concerned for our child and her security, development and future.

CYPS have arranged for my wife to move out and into a hostel for the protection of our daughter. It is a grim situation, I still care and worry for my wife and her safety BUT, DAUGHTER FIRST. This situation is not of our daughters making. She will no longer be a victim. I WILL protect her.

My wife is not my problem (a mantra that needs to be repeated every time I get a pleading text or phone call)

[Matt]

She has started to idealise me and wants to return to our relationship (as was) and now sees her parents as the "problem".

If you can get any e-mails from her that show this - maybe right now they show how she sees you and her parents, and then later she sees you very differently - that could be very useful at some point.

[ZigofZag]

She has started to idealise me and wants to return to our relationship (as was) and now sees her parents as the "problem".

If you can get any e-mails from her that show this - maybe right now they show how she sees you and her parents, and then later she sees you very differently - that could be very useful at some point.

I understand that there is a way to download text messages. They tell the story too.

[Nope]

If you have an android or IPhone take screen captures of the texts instead of downloading them. Our lawyer specifically asked for screen captures because then the court sees what you see when you look at your phone.

[livednlearned]

If you have an android or IPhone take screen captures of the texts instead of downloading them. Our lawyer specifically asked for screen captures because then the court sees what you see when you look at your phone.

I use PhoneView for iPhone and it's excellent. It also keeps all your voice mail messages, plus everything else (voice dictation, images, etc.)

I tried to do it with Android but it's a bit fussier, or was, with the programs I found. Emails and text messages were so important to my case I'd almost recommend getting an iPhone w/ PhoneView just for that reason. And I'm broke -- throwing around that kind of money is no small matter for me.

[ZigofZag]

If you have an android or IPhone take screen captures of the texts instead of downloading them. Our lawyer specifically asked for screen captures because then the court sees what you see when you look at your phone.

That's worth knowing.