Counter suit

[atcrossroads]

So, I need advice again.  I look forward to a time of peace in my future when I can come to the forum and offer support and advice to others.  Right now I feel selfish in that I'm just here to ask, ask, ask. 

Having said that, if you have any good advice on my latest issue, I sure would be grateful to hear it.

Got served with papers for the court date right before Christmas.  It's a civil suit claiming desertion, seeking spousal support (lump sum and monthly), family debt ratio balance (?), and all his legal bills paid by me. 

So, I did not desert him, and I still continue to pay half our mortgage.  We were separated in house 5 months before I finally left.  I have several emails documenting that we agreed on the date our separation began, and it's in our yet unsigned PSA.  I fled to my parents 2 weeks prior to permanently leaving -- he was aggressive, threatening, drunk -- had me backed in to a wall with finger in my face, leaning in to me.  He has never physically hurt me but has smashed up furniture, broken pictures, cut self in process, flung blood all over walls, told me he was going to kick my ass, etc. etc.    The night 2 weeks before leaving he accused me of putting antifreeze in food and refused to eat any food I made him.  I asked him if he were serious and he said absolutely, you are so mentally unstable I have no idea what you are capable of.  I asked why he believed I was mentally unstable and he said, "Why else would you be going to counseling once a week if you weren't crazy."  He was serious.  He had cracked up.

My therapist at time told me to sleep with door locked, phone charged, and keys by bed.  It was TENSE.  I left one morning after he went to work and emailed him that night.

WWIII began in earnest after I left.  I have a large stack of absolutely venomous emails telling me to burn in hell and on and on.  I have horrid voice mails saved.  I have co-workers who have witnessed him yelling at me at work in a very threatening way. 

So, when we go to court, what do I do?  Counter with abuse, substance abuse (he will lose his job if drug tested.  I no longer care to help him keep his job), harrassment, bullying (last 10 months).  My lawyer has assured me if I have my own mortgage/rent then his claims for spousal will be a wash.  We both are employed and make about same amount.  Again, he spends a large chunk on drugs.

The hearing is a 30 minute discovery hearing.  I have to gather all the paperwork (no clue how to organize all that, but I will get it done).  My attorney said we will both testify.

My question is... .strategy, strategy, strategy!  How do I defend myself from his desire to destroy me?

[david]

First make sure you have a good atty.

Second, gather as much information to show the claims in his suit are incorrect.

Third, make sure you have a good atty and find out how the process works so you know what to expect in court.

I recently filed for more custodial time with our boys. Ex counterfiled asking for the summer to be changed from 50/50 to her having the entire summer. Makes no sense. We have had 50/50 fior three summers now and have had no isssues. She has no reason in her petition. She also stated that I stopped taking our one boy to karate because I am uninvolved with the boys. I used to take him to karate on Thursday until the class was changed to Wednesday. Ex has the boys on Wednesday so I couldn't take him anymore. I sent an email to ex explaining the change and she replied with a thank you. She never took him to karate from that point on.

I am never sure if my ex believes what she is saying or not and I learned to stop trying to figure it out.

[marbleloser]

This is a good time to bring out the emails to show why you left. All the things he's asking for,is actually his lawyer telling him to ask for.It's pretty standard.

The family debt ratio is because you'll be asked to pay (pro rata) for your part of household expenses.If you make close to the same,it'll be about 50/50 expenses. This is also a tactic to drain you of finances,so that  you can't afford to fight further. You purchasing a home will also reduce your funds to fight in court. Your atty gave bad advice in that area by telling you the judge won't make you pay if you have your own mortgage.

Your ace in the hole is going to be the emails.He can't deny them and it will show why you had a need to leave the marital home.

Look for them to bring up your counseling as a means to discredit you.Explain that you're in counseling because of the atmosphere you were living in,if that's the case.

I'd counter with asking for exclusive use of the marital home due to abuse,ask that he pay his portion of the mortgage,utilities,etc.,, Then he'll have to explain why he should live there and not you.Two can play this game.

[DontPanic]

My experience was that I needed to learn how the system worked. So I read and read and read. as the last poster mentioned getting a good attorney is vitally important. at one point my ex had an attorney who used to be a former judge in the county where our case was being heard. needless to say, though her attorney was fairly incompetent (meaning, the orders she wrote were barely legible from a grammatical perspective). I had my behind handed to me because of what is around here called "home cooking" (meaning no matter how incompetent, she was an awfully big fish in the small pond of where our case was heard).

So, what did I do right, as most of the books and people will tell you, document everything. I organized it and put it on a timeline and when the ex moved out of the county and lost her mind almost completely. The psychologists that was seeing the kids basically told her that if the case went to trial she would lose  and lose big (I dont think she had ever seen anyone gather that much evidence against there former spouse)

In the end she signed over custody and was going to DBT therapy (so she said). unfortunately her disease got the best of her and as will happen sometimes with people with BPD, committed suicide. the only fortunate thing that happened was that she did it a state away in her parents home. My thought is, if the judge had allowed that forensic  psychiatric evaluation, she might still be alive. but who knows.

Protect yourself, gather evidence, make boundaries and enforce them and read, read, read

Here are some of the books that helped me.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Kreger, Randi, Eddy, Bill

   

Child Custody A to Z: Winning with Evidence

White, Guy

   

[livednlearned]

  So, I did not desert him, and I still continue to pay half our mortgage.  We were separated in house 5 months before I finally left.  I have several emails documenting that we agreed on the date our separation began, and it's in our yet unsigned PSA.  I fled to my parents 2 weeks prior to permanently leaving -- he was aggressive, threatening, drunk -- had me backed in to a wall with finger in my face, leaning in to me.  He has never physically hurt me but has smashed up furniture, broken pictures, cut self in process, flung blood all over walls, told me he was going to kick my ass, etc. etc.    The night 2 weeks before leaving he accused me of putting antifreeze in food and refused to eat any food I made him.  I asked him if he were serious and he said absolutely, you are so mentally unstable I have no idea what you are capable of.  I asked why he believed I was mentally unstable and he said, "Why else would you be going to counseling once a week if you weren't crazy."  He was serious.  He had cracked up.

You could be describing N/BPDx. He also thought I was trying to poison him. Like your ex, N/BPDx never punched me, but would destroy and break things, he threw my dog against the wall, locked me out of the house, and he would do other, weird things, like throw pillows at my head while I slept, or he would come in after I was asleep and turn the light on, and then just leave, so I would have to keep getting up to turn the lights off. He also did this super creepy thing where he would come and stand over me while I slept, just staring at me. When I woke up, he would tell me I was disgusting, or crazy, no one loved me, I was terrible in bed, etc. One night he slammed the door on me and tried to crush me in it. He weighed 100lbs more than me and I thought he was going to break my ribs. I didn't think any of that was abuse, though, because abuse meant being hit, and he didn't do that. I can't believe how bad it got. I can't believe how much I tolerated.  :'(

I'm glad you're out of that relationship, ACR.    Sorry you have to deal with this right before Christmas. At least when it's over, you know you'll be safe, and don't have to return to that house of hell.

Try, as much as you can, to ignore the cage rattling. He is going to make wacky allegations. He is going to ask for stupid amounts of unfair things. You have good evidence, good witnesses (if you need them), and (it sounds like) a good lawyer. Also, it really helps that he is drug addled. He won't be thinking clearly. He won't listen to his attorney, he won't remember what he has said and done, his facts won't add up, and he will spend his time getting stoned and drunk instead of figuring out how to do well in court. His disorder is going to help you when it comes to standing his claims up in court.

Courts tend to expect that people behave badly during and right after the divorce. They also tend to ignore things that happened more than 6 months before the hearing. That doesn't mean your emails won't count -- they will. But you may find the court decides to let things unfold a while so they can see what's really going on. If your ex doesn't pull it together, and he won't, that starts to raise red flags.

The hearing is going to go by extremely fast. Your entire life, the whole story, the truth as you know it, won't be heard. Your L will choose a few choice pieces of evidence to demonstrate what is going on. Your L is also going to perform for you, because court is a little bit like theater. The other L is going to try and vilify you and make you sound bad. The judge may chum it up with the lawyers. Don't worry about any of that. This is just one step in the process. It's moving a pawn forward in chess. When you testify, look at your L. Don't look at your ex, or your ex's L.

Do you live in a no-fault state? It's possible that the abuse might not affect the distribution of property. Is abandonment of the marital property an issue in your state? That will influence your strategy. It may be that the court could care less about the abuse if it's between two adults, and not directed toward kids. Your L will know.

To organize everything, get a big binder with dividers and tabs. Hole punch everything, and sort emails into types. I had 5 sections. One section included the items requested by N/BPDx's L for discovery. The other 4 tabs were: 1. abusive/name-calling/raging/threatening emails; 2. obstructing the right thing for S12 emails; 3. lying about things emails; 4. admissions about alcohol emails.

I put everything in chronological order within those tabs. I also had entered everything into a Google calendar so I could keep track of the dates for any incident that might come up. That actually calmed me a lot before the hearing, having that stuff sorted out in my head.

[livednlearned]

I'd counter with asking for exclusive use of the marital home due to abuse,ask that he pay his portion of the mortgage,utilities,etc.,, Then he'll have to explain why he should live there and not you.Two can play this game.

That's really good advice. Even if you don't plan to live in it, you need to crank up the heat on him. By agreeing to $5K, he has you on his terms, and he is going to drive the negotiation pace going forward. He has you where he wants you. But if you ask for the marital home based on abuse, it puts him on his heels. He may lose his job, lose the home, and that might get his L to counsel him to back off the low-ball offer and stop asking for mortgage payments.

[DontPanic]

This online software was very useful (be sure and password protect what you put up there). basically it's timeline software that allows you to put data that you have scanned in etc.  into chronological order

www.tiki-toki.com/

[ForeverDad]

Although it isn't commented on here much, I've seen some say that damaging property while raging is some sort of DV or some other legal term.  Sorry, I can't remember the phrase, malicious destruction or intimidation?

Do you have any photos as documentation?  Any witnesses?

How long ago was it?  Courts often view older incidents, generally over 6 months old, as "stale" or too old to be actionable except to establish a pattern of behavior.

Be aware that much of this is pure posturing.  Odds are most if not all of it will be set aside if you contest it.  (If you don't contest it then it can likely be accepted as is, a real danger.)  The problem is the emotional impact on you, not know how much might stick.  Unfortunately, this variation of intimidation is an intangible leverage over you.  See it for what it is, subjective pressuring, and consider your options objectively.

I think establishing to the court through documentation his abusive pattern of behaviors is very important.  Emails and texts are just one part of a bigger picture of his poor, even abusive, behavior patterns.