All my BPDw wants to be is right and put me down in the process

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

All my BPDw wants to be is right and put me down in the process! I had a biopsy of my lower lip for possible cancer. I found out today that it was only a freckle, but the dermatologist wanted to make sure, just in case. My BPDw had shown concern every since I got the biopsy done. Seeing that she is a pharmacist and seeing that she is now studying acupuncture, she feels that everything can remedied by acupuncture and that western medicine is absurd. Ironically, her university where she is studying acupuncture has the belief that a combination of western and eastern medicines is appropriate. After I shared with her that it was only a freckle, she immediately went into sermon about how bad western medicine is, that I did not need to get the biopsy. It was pretty much a sterile monologue with no consideration of how I may be feeling. After she was done, I said that I was relieved that I am okay, and I left the room. A couple of minutes later, she went into my room to say that she was glad that I was okay. I guess she did this out of finally realizing that she was not being loving, but only being self-serving. Now, I feel like I have been invalidated - again and feeling like s***. You get the picture. I feel happy that I am fine, but she is always believing so very judgmental and not really be loving. I don't mind her having her ways of being. I never put her down. It is totally unfair! Thanks for letting vent!

[Samuel S.]

All my BPDw wants to be is right and put me down in the process! I had a biopsy of my lower lip for possible cancer. I found out today that it was only a freckle, but the dermatologist wanted to make sure, just in case. My BPDw had shown concern every since I got the biopsy done. Seeing that she is a pharmacist and seeing that she is now studying acupuncture, she feels that everything can remedied by acupuncture and that western medicine is absurd. Ironically, her university where she is studying acupuncture has the belief that a combination of western and eastern medicines is appropriate. After I shared with her that it was only a freckle, she immediately went into sermon about how bad western medicine is, that I did not need to get the biopsy. It was pretty much a sterile monologue with no consideration of how I may be feeling. After she was done, I said that I was relieved that I am okay, and I left the room. A couple of minutes later, she went into my room to say that she was glad that I was okay. I guess she did this out of finally realizing that she was not being loving, but only being self-serving. Now, I feel like I have been invalidated - again and feeling like s***. You get the picture. I feel happy that I am fine, but she is always believing so very judgmental and not really be loving. I don't mind her having her ways of being. I never put her down. It is totally unfair! Thanks for letting vent!

[waverider]

Lack of empathy and a need to prove she is worthy is what i think is driving this.

My partner trained as a nurse, but didn't practice long due to conflicts arising from BPD. Now any medical professional is either the best if they agree with whatever her medical need is (she is hypochondriac and med abuser), or completely incompetent if they dont agree.

Every little ailment I have is turned into a major exercise in demonstrating her "vast"" medical expertise.

I just indulge her and let her have her 5 minutes of "armchair expert" fame. I know it for what it is, I don't need validation, and it's not really doing me any harm, except having to listen to the monologue.

[Samuel S.]

Waverider, you are totally right on about my BPDw lacking empathy and wanting to be considered worthy. While we were involved in all kinds of physical conditioning, traditional therapy, and non-traditional therapy, every single time, she said she was doing much better than I was, even though she was never around. She just wanted to prove herself worthy and lacked any empathy or appreciation of what I was doing. In fact, I was doing quite well and pushing myself; however, it was never enough. At the very beginning of our relationship, she looked up to me, but I always have regarded her as an equal. Now, because she is so book smart, she considers herself superior. Yes, I could let her continue talking and degrading at the same time. Yet, it has gotten to the point that she has distanced herself in every respect and that I resent her not being able to see me as an individual different from her, that I prefer oftentimes not to be around her. The only times that she seems to care about me are when I have a health concern or if I bring in the money.

[waverider]

Yes, I could let her continue talking and degrading at the same time. Yet, it has gotten to the point that she has distanced herself in every respect and that I resent her not being able to see me as an individual different from her, that I prefer oftentimes not to be around her.

When an issue gets to this point and you have come to fully understand what is driving it and how it affects you, there are two paths. Either just learn Acceptance of it, and I mean truly accept  not just bottle it up. Or you can form some sort of boundary to prevent your exposure to it. Note I say "your exposure to it" rather than forcing her to change, as there is guarantee you can do that.

What do you think you can put in place to avoid being exposed to it? I know its not easy, but it is a matter of starting somewhere, otherwise nothing will change and resentment will build and spill into other areas until the focus is lost.

[Dr.Me2]

Waverider,

I am not sure how can one learn to accept being put down, so that leaves the other path, forming some kind of boundaries to prevent your exposure.

Can you elaborate on the latter?

[Samuel S.]

After being told how she basically did not trust western medicine and not respecting my wish to accept a doctor's opinion over hers, I was on the computer doing my writing this evening. She asked me to make some changes for a Christmas social which I have stored on my computer. Afterwards, she began saying to do this, asking what was wrong with this, and getting in my face almost literally. In fact, the idea of having her really close almost repulses me, because I feel I am being used, and I am too much of a soft sucker, and I am hoping for hope where there doesn't seem to be any. I realize that is my downfall. So, Waverider, I do not accept being put down. In fact, nobody deserves to be put down, unless they are criminals. Everyone deserves to be accepted and respected, even if there are disagreements. As for your other point about leaving the area when she becomes degrading or demanding, that's easier said than done. If I do that, she can take offense to that very easily. If I do that, I can easily see her locking up the screen door. Under the circumstances, with my meds, toilet articles, and clothing here, I would be isolating myself. Come to think of it, I am isolated here, anyway!

[waverider]

Waverider,

I am not sure how can one learn to accept being put down, so that leaves the other path, forming some kind of boundaries to prevent your exposure.

Can you elaborate on the latter?

What you can or cannot accept depends a lot on your own personal sensitivities and sense of self and the impact it has on you.

This disorder is a complex tangled web. You could draw up an enormous list of things you are not happy with. If you attempted to throw a boundary around them all you would achieve nothing. So the path back to sanity is to define what are the core issues are that screw you up, and what are simply the while i am pissed at you bandwagon issues. From there you have to decide what needs an immediate boundary, what can be accepted for now, and what can just be accepted full stop. This will be different for everyone.

As you start to untangle it all then you will gain a clearer idea of where it is going, but you have to start somewhere.

In samuel S 's case

Yet, it has gotten to the point that she has distanced herself in every respect and that I resent her not being able to see me as an individual different from her, that I prefer often times not to be around her.

He is already starting to define his preferences. Ultimately being around her is his choice. Only he can explore detailed possibilities, there will be many shades of grey in this statement. Being around =resentment, not being around= less resentment. Of course that brings consequences. But if you want change it needs to start somewhere. He can't force her to change the way she views him, so he has to do whatever it takes to get rid of resentment.

This is the undecided board so it is possible that may result in the extreme consequence. It comes down to just how much it undermines your own sense of well being. You can't live life by default, if you can't accept what you have then it is time to choose a way of changing it. No one can tell you how to do it, as everyone's circumstances are different.

[waverider]

Boundaries and living with a pwBPD is not about fairness, it is about what you as an individual is willing to live with. Even if what you require as a boundary is not fair on her, that doesn't matter, it is what your require to maintain a RS.

My mum had issues, not a PD, but she was what my dad called a "firecracker'. She would blow up and constantly accuse my Dad of being useless and good for nothing. This was projection as it was my dad who had his head screwed on and my mum was incapable. Yet they loved each other, and dad would just smile at her and say your lovely when you get mad. Did not phase him a bit. Few could do that but to him it was like water off a ducks back. Thats what I mean it is different for everyone.

It is possible to be dysfunctional and happy, just as long as you cut out the deadly core issues that do real harm and create resentment