Dealing with verbal abuse

[foggydew]

My BPD (undiagnosed) person has perfected what he calls humour, but which is really thinly disguised abuse. Or so I experience it. He frequently claims I am incapable of using a computer, driving, changing gear, parking, using a hammer, cooking ... .or that I constantly lose things, waste money, forget ... .etc. Usually I ignore it or even make a joke out of it, but sometimes I lose my patience. After a couple of hours of such treatment I get tired... .more quickly than he does. If I complain about it, he says 'but that is who I am, I'm awful, arent I' (or words to that effect).

Yesterday he was doing his usual complaining at me being incompetent about booking a hotel, etc, whe I tried a new tactic, that I read here... validation. I guessed he must be feeling insecure about our trip to an Arabic country ... and told him I understood, that of course he must feel that everything has to be organised perfectly, but if we haven't discussed how long we are staying, I can't book. It worked at least partially. He stopped most of the criticism and booked the room himself ... still complaining, but mildly. It almost seems that he's in a bit of a manic phase recently, txts me constantly, criticises me constantly, so that I'm happy not to see him. Ihave to do something to ensure MY wellbeing ... how can I deal with these gibes?

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[waverider]

The process is validation, avoiding JADE, then boundaries. If he complains about how you do things, then dont do them. He will soon getting jack of having to do everything or doing without.

It is a hard personailty trait to break, even many nons do it. It has its roots in lack of empathy and immaturity. It can ony be broken with consequences, not demands.

If you enact a boundary about not doing something, dont act out in a bad tempered "big issue" way. eg

"I am sorry it makes you feel that way when I do XYZ, I really dont want to be criticized that way, so I wont be doing XYZ any more if it is going to create problems"

Then say no more., its not an opening ambit or negotiable.