20 year mess may be beyond cleaning up

[NiceGuy22]

Looking back, warning signs were clearly there. The arguments that wouldn't end, the way that there was always something I was doing wrong, the way that something always had to be going wrong. But I fell for her, and I was so ready to save her from her crappy childhood, her neglectful parents. We moved in together; we got married. 5 years later, we had our first son, and 3 years after that, our second.

Right now she's "done." For the hundredth time. She's done with the rude way that our kids speak to us, she's done with always having to be the bad cop, and done with kids who don't appreciate what they have. She's especially done with our oldest son, who is now a junior in high school, and who has been taught by the best how to dish out hurtfulness.

I believe she has more in common with him than she'd care to admit. They've both been diagnosed BPD at different times, though both believe that if only everyone else wasn't messing up all the time, they would be much better. We accepted his ADD diagnosis, and even his BPD diagnosis, but despite that psychiatrist's opinion, she's selective about her own meds. She's not depressed, why would she need an anti-depressant? Instead, she thinks it must be a problem with her thyroid. What? The blood work doesn't support that? Then she'll find a holistic doctor who quickly tells her what herbal supplements she needs that, from my point of view, don't do anything.

There were times that I didn't stop her verbal abuse of him early enough and even, I'm ashamed to say, times I didn't stop her before the verbal abuse turned physical. And to think, today she's surprised, even indignant, when he tells her that he's afraid of her.

I'm the nice guy. I'm the unsuccessful peacekeeper, the mediator, the diplomat. I'm the one trying to teach them that not fighting back is sometimes more effective than fighting, that we need to try our damnedest to find positive things to focus on - more than enough to offset a of the faults we see. But I have failed - either because we're where we are today, or because this is the course I charted for myself and my future family before it ever existed. She says that she doesn't get any back-up from me, and heaven forbid I ever get between what she's dishing out and who she's dishing it to!

There has been counseling (at one point, ii told her if she didn't seek help that we would leave her) but any time things get critical of her , she shuts down. She's been eager to get the kids to counseling, especially if it meant figuring out what's wrong with our son and how he can be fixed - but not if it means we have to change our own behavior.

Today she said not to plan on her being here for Thanksgiving - that we are "on our own" Last year she cancelled Christmas which, of course, happened anyway. She left with a packed suitcase today, but returned later to lock herself in the guest room, informing me via text that she's only here to sleep, and that I should plan on getting the kids off to school on my own, because she'll be up and off to work before we're up. She's done this before, the "Even though I'm around, I'm not going to be around" thing.

It's impossible. She hates my son, my son hates her. My son picks on his younger brother, who's learning to be nasty in return. I want to run away, but don't want to abandon the kids or her ... .I'm emotionally exhausted, drained, and thinking there's very little about my family dynamics that's within my control.

Apologies for the inevitable typos - I did this from my phone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[froggy]

Niceguy22

So sorry this has been yours and your sons life

I've been living the same life but I've got another 13 years on you...

My uBPDh just does not get along with our son... he is so much liked him in a lot of ways. Funny they really don't like their own personally traits. I always tell him that it's not fair to punish a kid for being him.

My son also has ADD... major anxiety issues... OCD... depression and possible bipolar.

I have stepped in to stop the abuse too many times to count. Things got really bad for him when I had to go to work full time (I wad a stay at home mom) when my husband wad laid off his job.

Poor kid was the target with me gone... he was 13 at the time. I have a lot of guilt over leaving them to deal with him.

The stress of being a referee is wearing. .and I have tremendous guilt for bringing my children up in a war zone... .I have apologized  more times than I can count to them that this was NOT what I wanted for them.

[zaqsert]

Hi NiceGuy22,



It sounds like you've been through a very long and rough time.  It's really draining too.  So many of us got here, to bpdfamily, feeling drained and hopeless.  Many of the things your wife has said sound a lot like things I've heard from my uBPDw (that's undiagnosed BPD wife; check out the abbreviations link at the top of the page).

Have you started to work through the lessons that are posted here on the Staying board?  The links are on the right side of the page --->.  They can do a lot to help you in your situation, as they have for lots and lots of us here.  If nothing else, as the lessons state, they can help you stop making things worse.  And they have helped to improve the situation for many of us.  Worst case, even if your situation really is "beyond cleaning up" then the lessons can still help you and your kids.

I'm emotionally exhausted, drained, and thinking there's very little about my family dynamics that's within my control.

You're right in that there is nothing about your wife that you can control directly.  Frustrating, I know.  I've been there.  The lessons can help you regain control over what you do.  That, in turn, will inevitably lead others to change what they do.  Counterintuitive?  It was for me at first.  If your wife decides to cancel Thanksgiving, as you know from your Christmas experience, you can still hold Thanksgiving with your family, or at least your kids.

I'm glad you found bpdfamily.  Stick around.  Come back.  Work through the lessons.  And keep posting.

zaqsert

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and 

You will find a lot of other nice guys around here, who have been through it.

It sounds like for today, with your wife hiding out in the guest room, you can actually have a bit more peace--she won't cause any more problems until she comes out.

Is Thanksgiving going to be just you and your boys (assuming she stays away)? Are you prepared to make it happen well enough on your own? Or do you have other family/friends who will join you and might help?

Stick around and keep on posting here--it really does help!

 GK