Can't stick with plans

[daenarya]

My uBPDso have a long distance r/s. In fact we have been together 6 months and never actually met in person since he lives in Canada and I live in the U.S. We made plans for him to come here in March, but then this month when the push part of the cycle hit he started acting really strange even for him.  I started worrying that he had decided not to come.  So as it turns out my fear was warranted and probably me mind reading his behavior.  He is starting to change his mind about coming to see me.  He says he isn't changing his mind about wanting to see me, but has all these reasons that it won't work out.  I don't know how to continue in this "pergatory".  I spoke to him about it last night using DEARMAN and the conversation seemed to go well. He seemed to accept that I was serious about what my expectations are. He tried to tell me he never said he would actually come (which ofc he did and has blocked from his memory now).  I am a very understanding person and try at all times to see the situation from his POV, but I am really at a loss for how i should proceed here. I left the situation saying "I need you to buy the ticket so that I am not constantly anxious over whether you are going to come or not and it needs to be soon so that the price doesn't go up to high". He said he understands, but not that he would do it. The next day he had completely edited the conversation to fit his idea of how things should go.  He told me that my trying to control the situation and make him buy the ticket makes him very uncomfortable.  For me, him not buying the ticket just shows me how he isn't serious about any of this. He had told me he loved me about a month back and then last night he changed it to that he loves me like a friend. We are not just friends.  I am usually so patient with all of this but i'm lost in my own emotions and fears here.  Any advice would be appreciated... .

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[123Phoebe]

It sounds like you're coming at this from entirely different angles.  The more you push for the ticket, the harder he pushes his agenda.  Like you're at a standoff now.

I've been there and its no fun

It's not easy, it's hard, but a really good thing to do would be to let this issue go.  Get used to the idea that he very well might not be buying that ticket.

How does that make you feel?  Out of control?

It did me!

All I could do was control myself enough to get through the day without breaking down.

The less we push them to do certain things, the better likelihood there is of them coming around.

Be kind to yourself right now

[daenarya]

YES! I feel like i'm losing my mind! I have done so well for so long to control my emotions with him and to pick my battles and to put things on hold for the right time and the moment he said he wasn't sure if he was going to come it suddenly felt like my world was/is spinning out of control.  You are right the more i push the more he doesn't want to do it.  In my head it feels like he should care about this as much as me, and the strange thing is that I think he really does. I'm not sure what he thinks is gonna happen if he actually comes here. He has seen me deal with all his moods and emotions with ease.  I am no longer bringing it up, but my mind is no longer the calm waters that allows me to so easily deal with all his moods. He is also on one of the longest and hardest push cycles that we have gone through to date. I have gone from a confident, balanced woman to feeling like i'm losing my mind and on the edge all the time. I'm glad I found this board, because he won't let me talk to any of my friends about the fact that he has BPD and so I have to be careful what i even say to them because they just think he is being an unreasonable ass! I know this is not true but it doesn't help me feel more balanced at the moment.  I'm not sure if I am going to feel alright again until he has purchased that ticket! It helps knowing someone understands what I am going through though! Thank you so much for responding!

[123Phoebe]

I'm glad I found this board, because he won't let me talk to any of my friends about the fact that he has BPD and so I have to be careful what i even say to them because they just think he is being an unreasonable ass! I know this is not true but it doesn't help me feel more balanced at the moment.  I'm not sure if I am going to feel alright again until he has purchased that ticket! It helps knowing someone understands what I am going through though! Thank you so much for responding!

He's been diagnosed with BPD?  Is he in therapy?

He doesn't have any control over who you talk to, that's up to you, your call.  I used to blab away to anyone who was willing to listen about all the 'wrongs' done by my guy.  It made me look bitter and kept my anxiety alive and strong, focusing on him him him... .  While out with friends, I focus on my friends, not him.  My choice

This is really hard, as you haven't actually met in person.  If he's not willing to meet you, how long are you willing to hold on?

We have a lot more say in what goes on in our lives than we're sometimes ready to admit.

Is there a chance that you're catching up to your own boundary here?  That if he's not willing to buy that ticket, you're not sure if you can continue on in this relationship?

It's heavy stuff, daenarya

This is your life  

[daenarya]

Last night he told me that he feels I triggered him by trying to be too controlling and force him to buy the ticket. He said he feels he needs to make it clear that he is not interested in a r/s and that we are just friends. Ofc he was talking about moving in with me at some point last months so... .Yes we are reaching a boundary of mine. I can not see the value in putting in the amount of work it takes to be "just friends".  I don't want to give him an ultimatum, so I really don't know what to do. He said he needs some space and that I shouldn't contact him... .wait for him to contact me   . This is the first day in more than 6 months where we didn't say goodmorning to each other. I am appearing to be calm, but inside i'm really hurt and angry right now. Waiting for his beck and call doesn't sit well with me. He is undiagnosed btw. He even said last night he doesn't feel the need for any therapy. As like you said we have not even actually met, I don't feel that explaining why he does is something i want to tackle right now. All I know is that just being friends will not be enough for me. He is under the impression that he can just put our r/s back into friendship status (probably to upgrade it any time at his whim) and that i'll just be ok with that. I won't be able to not want to be with him, so i'm pretty sure at some point we will have to discuss the fact that this is all or nothing for me.  :'(

[123Phoebe]

I don't want to give him an ultimatum, so I really don't know what to do. He said he needs some space and that I shouldn't contact him... .wait for him to contact me   .

When I even consider giving an ultimatum, I know it's time for some good self care.  Time to step way way back from whatever the situation at hand is and do something really nice for myself.

Is there something you've wanted to do, but haven't yet?  Anything come to mind?

If he's saying he needs space, give it to him; give him a wide berth.  Wide enough to see your own life without him in it.  It's self inventory and self discovery!  What aren't you doing for yourself that you could be doing?  When we do good things for ourselves, we're not waiting around for someone else to fulfill us.

I'd try not to look at it as a demotion from relationship to just friendship, waiting at his beck and call.  He's obviously feeling pressured.  Take your foot off the gas, apply it to the brake, turn the car around and drive into your life!

Who knows, maybe when he realizes you're NOT waiting around, he'll come to you with a better offer  Without saying a single word

 

[daenarya]

That's really good advice! I did go see a movie today. I have also noticed that since i'm not focused today on when he may message me or what mood i'll find him in... .etc., that I am seeing everything clearer and from a bigger picture.  Basically to some degree, I am feeling a bit relieved. I think he wasn't the only one who needed the space 

[123Phoebe]

I did go see a movie today. I have also noticed that since i'm not focused today on when he may message me or what mood i'll find him in... .etc., that I am seeing everything clearer and from a bigger picture.  Basically to some degree, I am feeling a bit relieved. I think he wasn't the only one who needed the space 

So glad to hear this, daenarya!  Recognizing our own need for space is really important.  It helps to put things in perspective, without adding fuel to the fire.

Keep being true to you

[daenarya]

Well after about 60 hrs. he messaged me goodmorning. We had a pleasant conversation for about 15 mins and then he had to go for the day.  Now he messaged me this evening, and was somewhat hostile toward me. Maybe passive aggressive is a better word. I felt as if he was trying to bait me into a confrontation. At one point in the conversation, where it felt appropriate i pointed out to him that it felt as if he was trying to bait me into something. He laughed and then said "So did you have fun with your new friends last night on skype?". My best friend took a screenshot of a group of us talking on skype and posted it on my fb wall. He said how i looked very happy in it. Now my friend did post this picture on purpose to show him that i wasn't sitting around waiting on him, and I intended to act like it was no big deal that we hadn't talked for 2 days. I realized at this point though that the idea that I just had a grand old time was triggering the hell out of him. So I was honest with him and told him I missed him and had a difficult time with us not communicating. This seemed to relax him and we were just starting to have a conversation that felt open and honest. I asked him if 2 days was enough time that he missed me and then... .he says he has to go, can we talk later? That his mother had interrupted him   So now i'm waiting for him to come back on and since he pretty much never has a good interaction with his mother, I have no idea which side of him i'll be getting back. I also find the timing very convenient  I don't think he lied to me about his mom calling him but geez... .now do I awkwardly bring back up the question again? I was really hoping these days away from me would help but i'm not sure that they did. Just so frustrating!

[123Phoebe]

I realized at this point though that the idea that I just had a grand old time was triggering the hell out of him. So I was honest with him and told him I missed him and had a difficult time with us not communicating. This seemed to relax him and we were just starting to have a conversation that felt open and honest. I asked him if 2 days was enough time that he missed me and then... .he says he has to go, can we talk later?

Our relationship conflicts won't be resolved by pretending to have good times without them.  It's about living our lives authentically.  It makes sense that you missed him and spoke your truth about it.  I would imagine he felt soothed by hearing those words.  Did you feel better having said them?

Hearing them back would be nice and I'm sorry he cut the conversation short after asking if he missed you, too.

One thing I've learned by being in a BPD relationship is that actions speak a lot louder than words.  The fact that he messaged you after 2 days might mean that he did indeed miss you   Or he could've been triggered by seeing you having a good time without him, who knows.  He did contact you though, that is a fact.

Feeling bummed and frustrated when we don't hear what we want to hear is something that we have to learn how to deal with, since we can't control what somebody else says/does.  We cannot expect our pwBPD to communicate heartfelt sentiments effectively (the way we want them to ); it's a disorder of the emotions, that we find ourselves tangled up in.

We can however communicate our feelings and let it go at that, with no expectations.  We can learn better ways to communicate where our loved ones feel heard and understood, lessening some of the negative backlash.

If you haven't yet, please take the time to read the Lessons; they're on the right side of this page --->

BPD is a complicated disorder.  Knowledge is power!

 

[daenarya]

He came back later and said that he did miss me. I guess maybe putting him on the spot about it might have been too overwhelming for him. I don't know what has happened to me. I had such a great handle on all of this. He couldn't shake me up. I could predict his needs before he needed them and then BOOM! He knocked me for a loop making me feel insecure in our relationship and now i can't get back centered. He tells me to trust his methods and that if I just let everything be it will all turn out all right, but how do you trust someone who doesn't even understand his own methods?

[123Phoebe]

He tells me to trust his methods and that if I just let everything be it will all turn out all right, but how do you trust someone who doesn't even understand his own methods?

I've had to learn to trust myself first and foremost.  To know that no matter what he does or doesn't do, I will be okay.  It will all turn out all right.

[daenarya]

123Pheobe, Thank you so much for talking this through with me. My uBPDso and I talked a bit this morning and then he had to go and wouldn't say why. I got really upset but didn't press the issue. I spent most of the day feeling horrible and anxious and just plain empty and mad. When I talked to him in the evening, I suddenly had a thought. All my life, I have always gotten to the point where if I become really close with someone I actually feel what they are feeling.  So I started talking about how I was feeling and asking him if these are feelings that he has or has been having over the last couple of weeks. They were very specific thoughts and feelings that I have never experienced before and he said yes that is what he feels like and yes he has had that particular thought recently. It was at that point that a  went off in my head.

I had allowed myself to be so pulled into his emotions, that I had completely lost myself this cycle.  He doesn't usually tell me how he is feeling but I think since I was describing the feelings he was able share with me that he feels that way. The most amazing thing was that the moment I realized what had happened, the feelings lifted off of me and I was myself again. I actually had a smile on my face. 

Now I just have to remember that when I feel that way, that it's not me feeling that way.  I feel completely rejuvenated and am sighing with relief right now.  I do feel really horrible that he feels like that all the time though  :'( Now that I have gotten a grip on reality though, at least I won't be adding to his triggers. Thanks again for being here for me <3

[goldylamont]

daenarya, i have not been able to read the whole thread but in regard to you not wanting to give an ultimatum--i remember someone else here, pretty sure it was a board advisor (Green Mango?) said something that stuck with me. i won't be able to quote exactly, but the 'jist' of it was that there's a difference between giving someone else an ultimatum, or simply setting a boundary for yourself and firmly sticking to it. so much damage is done in these types of r/s because we allow our boundaries to be broken. perhaps it can be less threatening to find out for yourself what you would need to happen, and set your boundary for how long you could wait for it to happen. in this way there's not so much of an ultimatum that he could pin on you about buying a ticket, but you still have a plan to keep you safe.

i went through this actually the last time i saw my ex (a year ago). post breakup, during a 'half-recycle', where she first tells me she is still deeply in love with me, wants to be with me everyday, can't stand not having me, etc... .then flips the scripts the next day and vaguely says she still wants to try but she also wants to be 'single'--well, i was left in a conundrum. the first couple of weeks were not so bad, but after two weeks i wasn't seeing the progress i wanted, so i set a personal boundary that if she didn't shape up and start seeing me and hanging out more within 2 weeks, then i was calling it quits. well, she didn't and i called it quits right at the two week mark. i didn't mention this timeline to her it was just a personal boundary of mine which i'm glad i kept--and thank god because i'm pretty sure the reason was that she was just stringing me along telling me she wanted me still while actively pursuing things with other men. keep in mind that during this whole 4-5 week period, we had zero arguments or differences, so it was necessary for me to set boundaries to really find out for myself where she stood. hope this helps! personal boundaries rather than ultimatums could be a good strategy.

[daenarya]

yes that does help. I have already decided that if he hasn't bought a ticket by summer then that is my boundary. I can't live in this half relationship with him just because it provides him security. I know he isn't actively searching for someone else. He is in a cycle where nothing seems to matter... .not him, not me... .absolutely nobody and nothing