The "shoulds"

[maxsterling]

I've noticed a lot of "shoulds" by my dBPDgf:

- "You should... ." (get a massage, eat better, dress nicer, etc)

- "Should I... .?" (buy these pants, order the burger or the salad, go to the store or go to the library, etc)

Is this part of BPD?  It drives me nuts.  I hate being told how I should do ordinary things that are working just fine for me just the way they are.  And I even more hate being asked to make everyday decisions about another person's life. 

How do you respond to this?  I sometimes make a witty remark that hopefully points out the problem with the statement/question.  So if she asks "what should I order?"  I may respond "whatever you want to order."  But some of the "should" questions or statements feel so loaded... .

[Surnia]

Hi maxsterling

I am someone with strong "shoulds" in my head too sometimes. 

When I am dealing with shoulds I feel insecure about myself, about my needs, wishes and values.

Should I? Yes, ask her what she wants.

You should... Perhaps you can ask her about it. "Interesting, you want me to eat better, what you mean with better?"

[HopefulDad]

Had a long therapy session with my BPDw over "should" and other suggestive words used to control someone else.  She got it in the session, but has struggled with this in real life.

[maxsterling]

Surnia - My issue is how to respond to those statements without triggering her or invalidating her.  Or maybe I shouldn't worry about that, because whether she is triggered is not really anything I have control over.  I remember once she said I should do something, and I responded by saying that I was really not into or interested in that.  And she responded by saying she was hurt because she was interested in that, and now she felt shame. 

I think it stems from insecurity and a lack of identity.  She claims she feels she lacks an identity.  I wonder if the "should I... ." is because she doesn't feel like she knows who she is, and the "you should" stems from that same lack of identity, and her wanting to be a part of my identity. 

Hopefuldad - was this something initiated by the therapist in the session, or something initiated by you?

[Surnia]

Perhaps it is some enmeshment from her side. Perhaps she needs to feel the same like you or to like the same things that you like. So she tries to find your about your interests.

I would give validation a try, maxsterling. If you are in good mood and not stressed and she is not too deregulated.

[HopefulDad]

Surnia - My issue is how to respond to those statements without triggering her or invalidating her.  Or maybe I shouldn't worry about that, because whether she is triggered is not really anything I have control over.  I remember once she said I should do something, and I responded by saying that I was really not into or interested in that.  And she responded by saying she was hurt because she was interested in that, and now she felt shame. 

I think it stems from insecurity and a lack of identity.  She claims she feels she lacks an identity.  I wonder if the "should I... ." is because she doesn't feel like she knows who she is, and the "you should" stems from that same lack of identity, and her wanting to be a part of my identity. 

Hopefuldad - was this something initiated by the therapist in the session, or something initiated by you?

Initiated by the therapist.  My wife kept using coercive words like "should" in our session and the therapist took that and ran with it.