Is he ignoring me and breaking promises on purpose?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Quick background- uBPDh and I have been married for 17 years. He has cheated repeatedly, my emotional affair was too much for him to bare. It has been really bad since July, but in September - he decided that he just couldn't take it anymore and moved out (after trying to get me to be the one to leave - I refused). He rented an apartment and told me 2 days before he was moving out (he had been threatening it for months). Then I think he realized leaving isn't very easy. He did it anyway. We might have gone a day or 2 without talking. Since then it has progressed to a better environment. When he first moved out - he went out partying all the time. I would still hear from him most days and see him others. It was nice because if he was being an a$$ I didn't have to talk to him or see him. He took his ring off and wouldn't commit to not seeing other people (I think he had a girlfriend). Slowly but surely - he started coming over more and more - being nicer and nicer (guess he got tired of the new girl). He told me he moved out because all he wanted to do was spew venom and be angry and I was making it worse - but that now there were at least times where he had good feelings for me and there were occasions where there was nowhere else he would rather be. We have several geriatric indoor dogs and I work 13 hr shifts so he was coming over to let them out to pee at night and putting them in their kennels at bedtime. The help was nice. After a month or so, he would occasionally have dinner with me. All during this, we are having sex probably 2-3 times a week. I started getting painted whiter and whiter. He was having trouble at his job so I guess they got painted blacker than me. He stopped going out so much. He would occasionally have serious conversations with me about where our relationship is headed. He still will not sleep over because he says he doesn't want to over commit and have things go back to the way they were before. OK. So were are kind of doing therapeutic separation. I am in graduate school and work full time so I haven't really had any time to go out and do my own thing with my friends - where he has. Prior to this separation - he made me suffer with accusations every time I went somewhere without him. Well - school is wrapping up for the semester so I had a free night on Wednesday. My female coworkers from my last job asked me if I wanted to come over a have a few drinks at one of their homes. I said sure. I told my husband the night prior what my plans were and that I would be home around 11pm if he wanted to come over then. The look on his face was truly priceless. He was shocked. And did NOT like it. He didn't say anything though. The next day - about the time I started getting ready to leave, I started getting texts that he was bored (guilt tripping me essentially). I texted him back several times during the evening to share with him that I was having a great time (and sent pix to show him with whom - women not men). He didn't ask for them but I was trying to allay his fears. He was going to come over the next day so we could spend the day together. I got up early and was sitting at my computer drinking coffee and he walked in unexpectedly at 9am. I was a bit surprised but glad to see him. We had a great day together and he stayed till 3am. I had to work Friday night so he didn't come over. All last night when I would text him - he would take an hour or 2 to respond - and it would be short. I would immediately text him back- then nothing. I reminded him of a couple other things he needed to grab when he came to let the dogs out and he never responded back. I asked him later if he fell asleep - 2 hours later he says no. This is uncharacteristic for him as his phone is permanently attached to his hip. I said ok - just making sure your awake and alive - 2 hours later - I get back a "both " at 1:30am. I was ticked so I just didn't reply back. I got home this morning to find that he never came home to let out the dogs. My entire living room / kitchen area was covered in dog poop and pee. What the heck. So now I just am curious why he just blew off his normal activity of letting them out. Is it retaliation for me going to have a good time? I sent him a text when I got home that just said "guess you didn't come by and let the dogs out". He will know that means they made a huge mess. I think I am just not going to initiate any more contact today. I am not in the mood to be therapeutic with him. This site has really helped me to communicate better and to see him for what he is. I often see that angry little child when I look at him. Is this a dearman moment? Thanks for listening. - pecia

[pecia]

Quick background- uBPDh and I have been married for 17 years. He has cheated repeatedly, my emotional affair was too much for him to bare. It has been really bad since July, but in September - he decided that he just couldn't take it anymore and moved out (after trying to get me to be the one to leave - I refused). He rented an apartment and told me 2 days before he was moving out (he had been threatening it for months). Then I think he realized leaving isn't very easy. He did it anyway. We might have gone a day or 2 without talking. Since then it has progressed to a better environment. When he first moved out - he went out partying all the time. I would still hear from him most days and see him others. It was nice because if he was being an a$$ I didn't have to talk to him or see him. He took his ring off and wouldn't commit to not seeing other people (I think he had a girlfriend). Slowly but surely - he started coming over more and more - being nicer and nicer (guess he got tired of the new girl). He told me he moved out because all he wanted to do was spew venom and be angry and I was making it worse - but that now there were at least times where he had good feelings for me and there were occasions where there was nowhere else he would rather be. We have several geriatric indoor dogs and I work 13 hr shifts so he was coming over to let them out to pee at night and putting them in their kennels at bedtime. The help was nice. After a month or so, he would occasionally have dinner with me. All during this, we are having sex probably 2-3 times a week. I started getting painted whiter and whiter. He was having trouble at his job so I guess they got painted blacker than me. He stopped going out so much. He would occasionally have serious conversations with me about where our relationship is headed. He still will not sleep over because he says he doesn't want to over commit and have things go back to the way they were before. OK. So were are kind of doing therapeutic separation. I am in graduate school and work full time so I haven't really had any time to go out and do my own thing with my friends - where he has. Prior to this separation - he made me suffer with accusations every time I went somewhere without him. Well - school is wrapping up for the semester so I had a free night on Wednesday. My female coworkers from my last job asked me if I wanted to come over a have a few drinks at one of their homes. I said sure. I told my husband the night prior what my plans were and that I would be home around 11pm if he wanted to come over then. The look on his face was truly priceless. He was shocked. And did NOT like it. He didn't say anything though. The next day - about the time I started getting ready to leave, I started getting texts that he was bored (guilt tripping me essentially). I texted him back several times during the evening to share with him that I was having a great time (and sent pix to show him with whom - women not men). He didn't ask for them but I was trying to allay his fears. He was going to come over the next day so we could spend the day together. I got up early and was sitting at my computer drinking coffee and he walked in unexpectedly at 9am. I was a bit surprised but glad to see him. We had a great day together and he stayed till 3am. I had to work Friday night so he didn't come over. All last night when I would text him - he would take an hour or 2 to respond - and it would be short. I would immediately text him back- then nothing. I reminded him of a couple other things he needed to grab when he came to let the dogs out and he never responded back. I asked him later if he fell asleep - 2 hours later he says no. This is uncharacteristic for him as his phone is permanently attached to his hip. I said ok - just making sure your awake and alive - 2 hours later - I get back a "both " at 1:30am. I was ticked so I just didn't reply back. I got home this morning to find that he never came home to let out the dogs. My entire living room / kitchen area was covered in dog poop and pee. What the heck. So now I just am curious why he just blew off his normal activity of letting them out. Is it retaliation for me going to have a good time? I sent him a text when I got home that just said "guess you didn't come by and let the dogs out". He will know that means they made a huge mess. I think I am just not going to initiate any more contact today. I am not in the mood to be therapeutic with him. This site has really helped me to communicate better and to see him for what he is. I often see that angry little child when I look at him. Is this a dearman moment? Thanks for listening. - pecia

[Surnia]

I agree with you, what happened is probably a kind of punishment that you are doing something nice outside his control. Being with your female friends seems to be a trigger for him.

One interesting thing would be about the next days and which color he will paint you... . 

Could be a DEARMan moment, the question is, what do you want communicate?

[pecia]

Thank you for your response  . Being with ANYONE other than him triggers him, including my family. He was always very jealous and possessive. I even avoided traveling home to see my family for any longer than one day because he non-stop insinuated I was with a boyfriend the entire time I was gone. I am done with that. If he can go out and have it be "innocent" than so can I. If our separation does work out and he comes back- I am not going to be punished for not doing anything wrong. He can warp his facts all he wants. This situation has made me realize that I don't need him - it is a choice. I would like to communicate to him that it was not nice to just ditch something he said he would do to help me out. And if he isn't or can't do something he has promised -he needs to tell me so I can make other arrangements. The help with the animals is the only thing I depend on him for now. Otherwise - I pay all the household bills (and he pays his stuff for his apartment). He doesn't have access to any of my back accounts (which is nice not having to worry about that - since he is spending a couple hundred bucks every time he goes out partying). I would also like for him to respond to me when I text him. It is soo irritating.

[Surnia]

Yes, I agree with you, under normal adults it would be that you can talk about not helping out about the dog care.

And even more about not giving in to his possessive behavior.



Both are things you can communicate with Dearman.

You are really on the right track, pecia!

About the phone: Its difficult to force someone to answering texts. Its the same like with silent treatment.

[pecia]

I texts him when I woke up to say good morning. He texted back and said he kept falling asleep last night and that he was sorry. I told him that messes clean up but that in the future it would be appreciated if he let me know if he wasn't going to come over so I could plan for that. He doesn't really sleep much now that he moved out so I gently suggested that he try to get some more rest and to take care of himself. He didn't respond with anger at least. Then I left him alone. Next thing I knew he was walking through the front door. So I saw him for a bit before I left for work again. It is really helping keeping my emotions in check. It also helps that I am getting more confident. I find that he is getting to be more predictable the more I understand about BPD. I have also discovered that I don't have to let his bad moods taint mine. Ahhhh healing

[living in the past]

Just reading your post,thanks for writing them,unbelievable what we go through,and i am involved on  a friendship level,i feel sometimes so confused,you sound good

[pecia]

Thanks Gregory and welcome to the family. I have intermittent periods of being rational he still makes my eye twitch on occasion. I am just getting better at not dumping my emotion on him. He isn't capable of handling his own stuff- much less mine too :-/

[living in the past]

 i hope you keep posting i need the inspiration to keep healing,