What a difference an effective therapist makes

[sanemom]

After A YEAR of fighting for an effective counselor to reunite DH and DSD (BPD mom blocking it right and left), I think it is going to pay off.  :)H kept telling BPD mom that they needed to figure out times for counseling with the newly appointed therapist (FT), and BPD mom kept telling him no.  SOO DH brought DSD to counseling without much warning, and apparently DSD was really angry about that.  Well, you all know why he did it--he didn't want BPD mom to interfere after she argued with him about it for weeks.  BPD mom has interfered with other appointments in the past with her calling the service provider and raising Cain.

DH had emailed the BPD mom about being in counseling with the new family therapist (FT) while DSD was in session.  Apparently, BPD mom left a ranting and threatening message on the FT's voicemail during the session.  I guess since she didn't realize that the FT was court-ordered, she let that crazy out early.  ;-)

The FT had that first session with DSD, and since then, BPD mom has said that she will be taking DSD to all of her appointments, etc.  Apparently, the FT is not allowing her to.

I am not sure what all is going on in the FT's communication with BPD mom, but FT met with DH recently to explain the plan.  :)H will have a session with DSD this weekend (his visitation) with the FT and DSD's individual therapist (who we did not want to do family therapy with bc she seemed too hooked on BPD mom's lies).  Apparently the FT had a long talk with DSD's therapist about how this is alienation and how BPD mom needs to be reigned in.  The FT even told the the individual therapist that it appears that mom has a personality disorder.  :)SD's therapist really didn't see the bad behaviors at all and was blaming DH for this entire mess.  And it seems like DSD's therapist and the GAL were doing some plotting as the therapist really didn't see the whole picture.  The FT seems to think that the individual therapist really wants to do the right thing--she just didn't realize before what was going on because she did not ask for DH's input into the situation until she was already sucked in by BPD mom's stories.  At least ignorance can be fixed.  

Now that BPD mom has two therapists onto her shenanigans, it will be interesting to see how she acts.  I am hopeful that once the individual therapist starts to open her eyes, she can show the GAL, too.

I am just grateful that we have a good family therapist who completely understands BPD and can smell it.  I seriously think it makes all the difference in the world.  I don't think it is too late for DSD and DH.  She will not communicate with him at all when she is with her mom, but the second he is there, she is all over him.  The therapist even commented on how close she sat to him in their last session--she said it was not typical for most teenagers to be that close.  All is not lost... .

[sanemom]

The family therapist sat in on a session with the individual therapist, DH, and DSD.  She let the individual therapist run the show to see how things would go and to get a better understanding of the case (DH did not know that at the time).  The individual therapist was horrible--started ganging up on DH with the lies she had heard from BPD mom in front of DSD; started suggesting that DSD not have to do visitation with DH unless she wants to; etc.

The family therapist later told DH she was "appalled" at how the individual therapist "conducted the session" and planned to give a "blunt assessment of the case" to the GAL and to the individual therapist.  The GAL has been chummy with this individual therapist to justify his failure to recommend that the kids stay with their dad (he thought BPD mom deserved a second chance).  Now the family therapist is going to let the GAL know that the individual therapist has been further alienating DSD from DH.

The family therapist warned "You may need to prepare for things to get worse before they get better."  The good news is that the family therapist is way more respected by the judge than is the GAL.  We may get some healing out of this disaster eventually after all.

[AnotherPhoenix]

  SaneMom,

Wow! I am thrilled for all of you. I'm sorry you had to go through such a struggle. Congratulations on persisting nand prevailing! As another member wrote: This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hopefully, DSD's individual therapist will start seeing DH's ex's behavior for what it is and start addressing that in her sessions with DSD.

Best,

AnotherPheonix 

[sanemom]

Looks like we are still struggling.  A month later, and BPD mom is still fighting the sessions.  Tonight, the family therapist organized another session with DSD, DH, and the individual therapist, but BPD mom was insistent on being the one who brought DSD to the session and bring her back... .as well as sit in the waiting room (in this particular office, she could have eavesdropped on the entire session).  The family therapist did not think it was in DSD's best interest to be in that charged situation so she canceled the appointment. 

The court order says that BPD mom needs to cooperate with the scheduling; clearly she is not.  There last session was three weeks ago because BPD mom is being difficult.  I am guessing we will be going back to court to address this--not sure how.

Interestingly enough, the family therapist, after consulting with the individual therapist, asked DH if she could forward some of the crazy emails he has received from BPD mom to the individual therapist.  I am guessing that means that the family therapist does not believe that the individual therapist gets what is going on here at all.  Throughout this entire process, the individual therapist has been extremely aligned with BPD mom and DSD.  Maybe she is hoping that if the individual therapist sees the nasty emails from BPD mom, that the individual therapist will understand more.  I am sure BPD mom puts on a wonderful facade for this therapist.

[ForeverDad]

DSD mother's insistence on being the one to handle all session to/from encounters is a huge red flag.  It stands out.  Of course DSD knows who brought her, who's sitting outside and who will take her away.  Duh!  Mother's PRESENCE is an intangible but definite influence on DSD.  It's good that family therapist ought to bring some real objectivity into the therapy.  The individual therapist is apparently inexperienced, gullible, and even enabling.  let's hope that in any reports the FT calls it bluntly like it is.  But expect some softball here, professionals are reluctant to call out another professional if it can be avoided.  And when it does happen, don't be surprised if it is couched in beat-around-the-bush, third person, conceptual, passive phrases.

If dad has the opportunity, he needs to emphasize to the FT that a low key or passive report or a minimalistic fix is insufficient due to the length and intensity of the past alienation.  Firm corrective action is needed.  Really, this calls into question mother's ability to parent adequately.

[scraps66]

This is just simple BPD mom trying to control what goes on for and with DSD.  I've dealt with this, or experienced this, and continue to experience.  Our S9 has continued behavioral issues despite all the support he gets froms chool.  Whenever there is the opportunity for him to get additional help, exuBPD/NPD w steps in and either changes direction, or eliminates the opportunity.  Or, the worst, just denies his behavior,  I'm guessing she is proejcting her won coping skills of denial, in a parentified way, onto S9.  Also, deep down I have to think that she wants to dispose his behavior as his alone with no recognition of her own influence on his behavior through the example she sets, and the manipulation she puts him through.

Unitl the BP is either out of the picture, or seeks help for their own issues, things will continue. 

What I have in mind for my S9 is counseling where neither mother nor father are present.  He will go to a therapist and sit, alone, with the therapsit to vent his issues.  I have not yet done this, but am trying to get my ducks in a row to just take him on my time.