Email harassments and withdrawal

[Dr.Me2]

Hello everyone,

It has been a good couple of weeks since I went away after her DV became intolerable and potential escalation will most probably create even worse outcomes for me and the kids.

My uBPDw harasses me with emails attacking me and blaming me for anything and everything. Baseline can no longer be found and every time she attacks me and lashes out my instinct is to withdraw since confronting will get her to an endless rage spin and use this to create new attacks.

I can't seem to find a way she can be civil, everything I do or I don't she negatively reacts with anger and rage. The last attack was so hurtful that I had to withdraw to collect myself, mentally and emotionally and could not speak to the kids for a few days. Now they are asking when I am coming back and she is demanding I don't tell them when. I told her I am not prepare to go back until the DV stops since DV should never be tolerated, to this she replied saying the DV will continue if I am back and at the same time she distorts things to put herself as the victim.

She is now asking for a divorce which I am not prepare to go through under these circumstances as she/we need professional help, she can't support herself and the financial situation and my mental health is deteriorating with all these.

She denies and refuses to seek professiona help. She paints me pitch dark black now after being put in a pedestal for a number of years in the beginning. Now she thinks a quick divorce will fix her problem, get her another man and get the kids away from me using the excuse that I do not spend enough time with them as being the sole provider and working full time obviously I have less time than her in a day as she is a full time mom.

A divorce without T will only make things worse for her and the kids and myself as we will never learn to communicate.

I can't seem to find a way to have a civil communication before her exploding and further escalating by recalling again and again little things in the past that we have settled but she still experience them vividly.

She seems to be determined to destroy everything we built in the last 8 yrs of marriage and she is determined not to communicate and resort to email harassments that end up in firer attacks and blaming perpetuating the toxic cycle:

1. She attacks, I withdraw, She attacks and escalates further,

Or

2. She attacks, I confront through SET and JADE, she withdraws for a short time and then soon after she attacks and escalates further sabotaging the little progress made through SET and JADE.

At this point she is determined to hurt me and destroy me no matter what as she explicitly stated in her emails.

I defuse her harassments and attacks but then she quicky comes back with more.

Everything now regarding her behavior is so primitive she is unable to make sense anymore, I know she is under a lot of pain and stress and without communication and/or getting her to T, I can't seem to find a way to make any progress.

Am I dealing with an acute form of BPD? Should I remind her of the consequences of her violent behavior?

Not sure if Withdrawal or detachment can stop the bleeding since both are causing further negative escalation in my situation, no matter what I do.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Dr.Me2, sorry to hear how bad your situation has gotten, it's even more heartbreaking considering you have the kids between you.

I don't have any great advice for you. I will say that you must find a way to enforce the hard boundaries like no physical violence or else they will never be respected.

When you mentioned JADE, you meant to say that you are NOT doing it, right? Just making sure... .

Not sure if you are familiar with the "extinction burst." Her bad behavior will tend to escalate first in response to a change in your communication or behavior. She is used to getting a response from you when she yells, argues, and hits you. When she does not get the desired response, she will increase these behaviors, this increase its known as the extinction burst. After a time she will eventually reduce those behaviors after she learns they are ineffective. It's like mice who've been taught to push a button for food. When the button stops dispensing food, they will start pushing it frantically hoping it will work again (the extinction burst), but then eventually they will stop because they've learned that the button no longer works to give them food.

If she won't see a therapist or counselor for professional help, what about seeing one on your own to help deal with how you can best communicate with her as well as take care of yourself?

Best wishes to you in this difficult time. 

[HarmKrakow]

Not sure what to say rather than to just wish you strength. Nothing else. Just die hard rocking strength!]

Stand your ground !

[Surnia]

Hi Dr.Me2

I am so sorry to hear all this, there is so much going on in your life. 

I agree with Learning_curve about a possible extinction burst.

Even if you not ready for a divorce now, I think it would be good to start thinking about it and perhaps even ask a lawyer about your situation. I would do it for you and for the kids.

Perhaps the Legal board can be helpful too: Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Many members in your situation are reading this book: Splitting

Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

by William A. ("Bill" Eddy, Esq

I did not read it myself, members here mentioned it many times.

[Dr.Me2]

Thank you Surnia, HarmKrakow and learnin_curve74 and all,

Yes, when I am doing JADE I meant not JADEing.

Since we have no verbal contact only though emails, every time she sends an email with harassments I defuse it or I reply with something else that is important regarding the kids. If the email harassment comes out of left field or reflecting her BPD rage and outburst I just don't reply or delay the replay for much longer until I think about how to better reply.

I think the extinction burst metaphor is quite useful also with email attacks. Although I did notice the more time I take to reply the more fear of abandonment I induce in her even though she is fixed/committed with the thought that a divorce will fix all her problems while she is repeating the same pattern again from her previous marriage.

I can see sometimes she reduces her behaviour when she sees that there is no reaction from my part but eventually she comes back with an escalation that can reach ridiculous levels confusing my withdrawals (time-outs) with invalidation of her feelings. Sometimes in the middle of the heat saying anything will just get her more engaged and violent, it seems she can't listen. Baseline can't be found no more and boundaries make her feel like I am trying to control her.

At this point the kids are asking me to go back and waiting. I tried to tell her I am prepared to go back as long as there is no physical violence on her part, something she refused to concede and that is why I am hesitating going back and having the kids being exposed to the DV which I don't know what is better for them in these circumstances.

Regarding a T for myself and besides doing a lot of biblio-therapy and posting-therapy, I have met with one DBT specialist to learn some communication skills with her since at the moment there is really NC other than though the kids.

My question regarding the extinction burst metaphor is, I notice that non-reaction or a SET reaction triggers in her the fear of abandonment or in the case of a SET reaction sometimes it triggers in her the 'don't give that sh... .,. I know you are trying to do, trying to make me feel that I have a problem and I am not well!", making communication, let alone SET, very difficult to attain.

This is how about it gets.

[LaSuede]

What an heartbreaking situation... .I am really sorry to hear this and me I don't know what to say neither, just that somehow you need to reach out to your kids. Especially if they ask for you. Maybe even with a drastic action, I don't know, since I don't have the full picture... .

How old are they?

Has she been physically violant to you? In front of them... ?

How does she act towards them... ?

Wishing you all the strength there is.

You seem somehow calm, cool and smart in what you write and I can only admire it.

[Dr.Me2]

LaSuede,

The last couple of months she started to become verbally and emotionally violent to me in front of the kids and the physical violence incident with me was the event that made me leave. Email harassments and attacks continue but that is more manageable than being there with her.

The kids are younger than 10 all of them. I care for them and somehow I tell myself I should be back regardless because of them.

I seem somehow calm because I am away right now, reflecting and learning lots about BPD and myself.

Thank you for your support and thoughts.

[LaSuede]

Hmm. It's just too much... .

How good you could put that healthy boundary when she had crossed the final line.

And leave.

It's so mixed when having kids, one want them to grow up with both parents, meanwhile I guess the kids really make you become healthier when it comes to boundaries against any abuse or self-harm from a parent. Mine did. To me I had to really admit I had fooled myself about the "family" - and that it was not okey for them, the kids, living any scene like that, not once, not twice and certainly not regularly... .

Meanwhile it made me so drained, within the relationship, to constantly act like a crush-cushion between the kids and the craziness and live with the guilt that they already had experienced a bit too much.

It's like fighting a two-headed snake when kids are involved.

It's very tiering and damaging.

To me it sounds like the kids need to be with you rather than her.

I guess when you had to leave your home like that its easier said than done, practically.

And yes you had to go!

I think you need to start report any abuse from her.

The one that happened, and if - hope not - ever happening again.

It's the hardest. To report someone you love  - that constantly is afraid if being betrayed.

It's a big step, but when kids involved it's necessary to keep even more strict, I believe.

Are you having a place to live... ? Or you just coupe now, one day at the time... ?

Do you have a T to talk to, that also can tip you about the kids?

Do you have contact with school... ? Can you check on them?

Or maybe the best would be having someone around if going back home, meeting them or staying. I guess it's your home too?

Or is it possible to meet with them, have them sleep with you if just for a night or one of them at a time... ?

I suggest you be a "present" parent in the way you can now - and keep any abusive text from her plus be strict in your texts you need to meet you're kids, but she can not be violent in front of the kids. Put that in text, if not already done.

They need you. And you need you.

Your wife comes last at the moment, sorry to say.

It took me too long to understand I had to be more cool towards my ex and way more smart for my kids - and loving towards them and myself. I would have saved us all some damaging moments, if just admitting that earlier, be able emotionally to turn my ex off more. And focus on my responsibilities towards myself and the kids.

We are all different and we have all different relationships, so one can only listen to the others here and take the recommendations that suits oneself.

So only you can say what's right to do at the moment, of course.

It sounds to me you are a great father though, and that your kids should not loose you cause of your wife's damaging behaviour.

[Dr.Me2]

LaSuede,

Thank you. It is very hard and difficult. When she attacks with email harassments I can not but withdraw and then she uses that as I don't care. She is unaware of her DV.

I email her that I was prepared to come back this week and she reacted with an email,not to come back unless I want a divorce. What a dilemma!

I don't want a divorce since a divorce will not fix the real problem, the communication problem let alone the BPD.

Baseline is no more and everything I do or don't she uses to increase her DV. she refuses to go to T and I am at the point that if I stay longer away, the kids will suffer more.

Anything will trigger. She negatively projects everything on me and can't take it anymore!

[LaSuede]

Drme2

I have been away from the forum for a while - and for various reasons. But I have been thinking about you and your last post.

How are you doing?

How are the kids?

It's great you want to communicate - but I stumbled on the word "fix".

Can you "fix" someone else, with BPD?

I guess you know it all so well, to heal from BPD takes years of work and therapy.

To learn how to communicate with a pwBPD is something else.

As long as you have kids I guess it's important no matter.

I hope you find or have found ways, since you do not want divorce.

And I hope it was just a threat from her. Nevertheless someone with BPD can  pile up dirt and lies in order to gain custody, if that is what she really wants.

My suggestion is: Report every DV and harrassments.

I am sorry to say - I did not, still not able to, I don't feel good about it.

But I have started to record voice messages and even some phone calls and I copy harassments in text. At least to go back to when feeling insane/"this can not be true".

And to protect me if my exBPDbf gets the idea to attack me somehow, or lie to look good in a perhaps custody argument.

You are responsible for your kids (not your wife) - don't let someone make you loose that focus.

I know how hard it is.

I am doing my best to communicate with my ex, although we have split up.

He is, and will always be, the father of my youngest son and I do not want him to hear anything bad about his father.

But I must, nevertheless, still protect my kids from seeing violence or hear verbal abuse

I wish you and your kids calmness, peace and joy.

[Dr.Me2]

LaSuede,

Thanks for checking. I am back, the situation is worst from when I left, at least DV has been replaced to some extent with NC. The kids are better but sometimes she rages at them, I rather be the one in the receiving end than them.

At this point there is very little communication, it is like a 4 yr old child in emotional immaturity trapped in an adult body that has no capacity to recognize or take responsibility for the destructive behavior she cause on herself and instead she attacks and harasses the target of blame which most of the times is me.

I have reported already the DV to he authorities and not sure if NC has been lately a consequence of the report. I know the worst is yet to come.

Her behavior now seems to be motivated to inflict as much pain in me as the pain she is feeling internally due to this disorder. Yet, instead of acknowledging to seek professional help she refuses to see anything wrong with her.

One thing for sure, the internal pain and anger is consuming her more that anybody.

As she uses the kids as emotional blackmail against me I am starting to realize how sick she really is. Now anything will trigger her rage so I am taking one day at a time and trying to find a path to some light in this very obscure tunnel as every day is worst than the day before.

[LaSuede]

Ahh, i have hard to find words, yet know some of what you describe too well.

It concerns me to hear that she uses the kids.

You seem to have healthy boundaries in many ways, though.

What did the authorities say... ? Are they able to support you in any way, if impossible supporting her at the moment... ?

Yeah, the pain a pwBPD feels is un graspable for us, without BPD I guess.

I can only imagine.

I just have this feeling it must build up a lot of pain to a kid of a pwBPD too - and sometimes I am worrying deeply for my children and the damage us parents (?) already caused.

I guess being there and being there more and more is the only way.

But I am not always strong - and I was for sure not always strong within the relationship that weakened me more and more.

Not to mention the final split up(s)... .

I feel stronger now, being fully responsible, meanwhile the stress of trying to manage everything can make me a "bad" mother too.

I am not sure, guess guilt is something one always feel to a certain extend as a parent and acceptance is the only way forward.

I love when my kids smile and laugh and fool around, cause that soothes most of the worries and build me up as much.

Hope you are able to laugh more and more and do things together beyond the pain and struggles.   

[Dr.Me2]

NC somehow has given me a bit more time and space to heal, recover, reflect and understand who this pwBPD really is.

I came across the Karpman model which I think it does apply to my own experiences. Simple model and yet so relevant.

NC is better than DV, at least for me (non), not sure for a pwBPD.

I am still waiting for the worst, yet somehow I feel stronger than before.

Can it be that at the end of the day it is the pwBPD that makes the non stronger?

I should not count on this yet, there are more struggles and explosions ahead. I somehow know the worst is yet to come.

[Surnia]

Hi Dr.Me2

yes, the Karpman model is very helpful, great you found it. 

It is for me a all day thing. Not only for close rs, also in daily work life I think quite often: Oh, hello karpman, here you are. Next thought is: be careful, Surnia, to stay in the middle of the triangle.

About getting stronger: I mad this experience, through the very difficult rs with my now divorced h I went back to T and found some very important insights for myself. I am stronger now and less depressed.

[Dr.Me2]

Staying in the middle of the triangle (away from the persecutor, away from the rescuer and away from the victim) - That is the challenge since my uBPDw interprets as ':)on't care/withdrawing' and she rages out and starts her own toxic cycle by moving from the victim role to the persecutor role and back.

It has been months since she visited the rescuer corner of the triangle, it has been months since she last returned to baseline.

I wonder if there is a relationship between returning to baseline (making sense) and the rescuer in Karpman's model.

[Surnia]

That is the challenge since my uBPDw interprets as ':)on't care/withdrawing' and she rages out and starts her own toxic cycle by moving from the victim role to the persecutor role and back.

Its not easy to put this in place: I care about you and I don't let me pull to the corners. And not all people can deal with it.

[Dr.Me2]

I feel weaker and helpless than before. Her attacks and rages toward me are escalating day by day.

Calling me names, screaming and throwing thing at me in front of the kids.

I already contact the authorities and she is aware of this, we are expecting to meet with them anytime.

She seems out of control, threatens to leave and pushing me again to leave.

I am trying to get some T and upon hearing this the T advice to report first before we start T since the DV must be reported especially when kids have been exposed.