Why Do the Kids Blame Me?

[downandin]

While replying to the 'tired of fighting post,' I got to thinking.  As I said, I try to keep the disagreements down.  We had one today, but I hope that I have mitigated things enough that I will avoid the 'black hole silent treatment of death.'  On the way to taking my middle son to school (all sons are adolescents), he said that I get too upset too easily.  It has gotten to the point that all my sons blame me for any disagreements with my wife.  Is it because they've learned that to just go along with her keeps conflict down?  Do they recognize me as the rational one?  I've also noticed my youngest tries really hard to be a peacemaker.  Do they really blame me, or do they just understand that arguing with their mom is a no win situation? 

[ugghh]

Kids are amazingly astute.  They are survivors and most of them figure out what pushes pwBPD buttons.  My S18 who is the kindest of souls says some of the same things to me.  It's their mother and they love her.  The challenge we have as a spouse is trying to insulate the kids and try to educate them that this is not the way life is supposed to be.  Yes this will lead to conflict between you and your spouse, be prepared.

Many years ago a very wise soul told me, ":)on't worry - the kids will figure her out."

Our kids are now 20,18 and 16 and indeed they have all seen mom for what she really is.  They still love her, but they separately each of them confides to me that her actions are crazy.

In some ways it sounds like you are doing the same thing Down.  I hate to say it, but what she is doing to you is abuse. 

I know this because I lived through the same thing for many years.  Finally 2 years ago I got a good therapist that is for me, not marital counseling, not because uBPDw wanted to me to find a counselor for all that she accused me of having, but for ME! 

[waverider]

Often kids dont care about whose to blame they just want the fighting to stop. If they believe that you responding to conflict causes the conflict to last longer then you are responsible for it being in their face more than it needs to be. So you take some blame.

Much the same as if the kids are squabbling the one you get annoyed with is the one who keeps going with it. You just want them to stop, the actual issue is trivial to you. It is the same with them.