Keith Vidal

[singlemom]

I read the news a few days ago about an 18 year old schizophrenic boy being shot and killed by the police when his parents called for help because he was arguing with his mother and threatening her with a screwdriver. 

I don't know about the rest of you, but that story has me really scared.  I've had to call the police on my daughter several times.  And I admit that I have been very unimpressed with the results.  If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  And if all you have are the police, then everyone looks like a criminal.  We spent a full year with my daughter, and us as parents, treated like criminals.  The state took custody because we "couldn't control her" and when they were unable to control her at the group home either, they sent her to juvie.

It's not that I'm trying to protect her from the consequences of her actions, but her year in custody did nothing but to cement a deep hatred of the government and the police in particular in her.  Oh, and she became an expert on cheating on drug tests.  She was required to attend therapy, but shuttled from therapist to therapist as she ticked them off one after the other.  She received no diagnosis, no medication, and made no improvements of any kind. 

It's bad enough feeling like calling the police is going to do nothing but bad things, I can't even imagine calling the police and having her end up dead.  I don't know how I'd ever be able to forgive myself for that. 

I don't really have a question here, just sort of a rant.  Another poster said they encouraged everyone to get the police involved, and all I could think was NOO! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

dear singlemom

I understand your concern when calling the police... . I have called them several times for my dd16. It is her ODD that is completely out of control at times.

I do think calling the police is neccessary at times. Especially when the person is violent. I think the key is not to let it get to that point... . I know that it easier said than done but it is possible.

My daughter has run away from home many times and when the police bring her back they just want to yell and try and scare her straight... . it is sad to have to stand by when they are doing this... . I try to explain to them that she is sick... . it is not a matter of not being strict enough etc... . one of the last times the police came I had to try and convince them to let her stay rather than taking her to juvie.

yet I do think only when the police are involved does she realize there are limits to what she can do. She often has little respect for us and her mood shifts are hard to keep up with at times. I have seen improvement with my daughter over the last year... . I hope that maturity will help her cope but it is a slow process... . time will tell... . I am hopeful... . if I need the police I won't heistate.

[PaulaJeanne]

There's really no alternative to calling the police if your child is being violent. For every tragic case like Keith Vidal, there are many more cases where the child hurts him/her self or someone in the family. I've always been very conflicted about bringing the police in for the all the reasons above.

One of the times my dd was brought to the county medical facility (which is the only place the police will bring her as a psych case), we got locked into the psych waiting room along with a few of the prisoners from the county jail. They were in shackles, but it was an extremely awful place to spend a few hours. She was a juvi at the time, so I was allowed to stay with her. Then the police brought in a man in plain clothes (not prison garb) & told him to sit down. The only seat left was next to my daughter. After about 15 minutes, another officer came in, patted this guy down, & THEN put him in handcuffs! I protested why he hadn't been in handcuffs in the first place, but the cop told me he wasn't violent. Good to know.

What else can we do? I'll admit this here, but never to anyone else. There have been times I've given my dd some of my xanax to calm her down. She's more than willing to take them. I guess it gives her a buzz.

[singlemom]

I've had to call them on her too, but I haven't found that she takes it seriously... . Most of the time, like you mentioned, they just give her some big lecture and leave, so she's pretty much unfazed by the threat of cops. 

And then there was the time that they didn't just lecture and leave and that started up a year-long ordeal for all of us.  A month in Juvie and the rest of the year in group homes where she was scared, stolen from, or physically attacked by girls much bigger than her. 

She didn't come back chastened, she came back furious.  And with a deeply ingrained hatred for the cops and the court system.

No, I won't call the cops again unless she actually tries to kill me.  Especially not when I read stories like this one that show how much of a risk it is.