broken adoption

[muffetbuffet]

Through my time here on the BPD family site, I have encountered several members who are dealing with an adopted child that has BPD or other significant mental health issues.  Have you ever been in a place that you just could not do it anymore and considered "giving up"?  Our dd will be 17 in March and just continues to push the limits everyday.  The stress is causing physical health issues for both my husband and I.  I feel like our life is like a ticking time bomb.  We have done hospitalization, residential placement, family based in home therapy (3 times), medications (when she agrees to take them), countless outpatient therapists and support services at school.  My husband and I have been in different support groups along the way.  As a mother I remind myself that I made a promise to this child when I opened my arms to take her in, but I (along with my husband) am slowly dying inside.  There is not much left emotionally to either of us.  We are afraid to be in our house alone with her because of past allegations that one of us abused her.  Just looking for some input if an adoptive mom/dad has ever been in this place in their life.  What did you decide to do? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Muffetbuffet,

  Your heart must be breaking to even considering breaking an adoption.  I don't have any advice, only sympathy for your situation.  I hope your family finds peace.

-crazed

[muffetbuffet]

Yes, I am not sure what hurts more... .seeing how my dd is tearing our life apart and knowing that there is not much we can do about it or feeling like a failure that I couldn't be the parent that this little child needs.  Despite the fact that she is almost 17, she is still a broken little girl inside who is so starved for attention.  She just doesn't know how to get or keep positive attention when it comes her way.  One day at a time and keep praying that God will lead my husband and I in the correct direction in our life. 

[Kate4queen]

I think all parents feel like this to be honest.

You're at a point where you care more about what happens to her than she does so that it's draining the life out of you.

my BPD son has cerebral palsy which adds a significant amount of 'extra' guilt to how bad a parent I feel at having to let go of him, so I kind of get where you are coming from. I hear it from him all the time "you OWE me! You DID this to me" and I should imagine you get the same.

Loving your DD and allowing you and your husband to take a step back and start reconstructing your lives isn't a betrayal of your DD. Just remember that whatever you do it will never be enough because the issue isn't you, it's her BPD.

So, allow yourselves to admit you can't do it like this anymore, take a deep breath, and take a step back. Let her fail a little, set boundaries, gently and firmly regain your sense of self worth and help her find her own.

You aren't failures. You're dealing with someone who isn't playing the same game or hearing the same song as you are. You have to protect yourselves before you can save her.

Hugs

[BioAdoptMom3]

Oh my gosh... .I can so relate to how you feel!  While we are not planning on breaking the adoption, I sometimes feel broken myself, and so does my DH!  Sometimes I am not sure how much more I can take and often I take quite awhile to share what is going on with my DH because I am not sure how much more he can take either!  It seems like at least 3-4 times a week one of us goes to bed in tears. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I am on medication (Effexor) which helps take the edge off.  I am on the lowest dose but am considering asking my doctor to increase it.  I also have Xanax for those moments when life gets to be too much.  I am considering therapy for myself and have thought about checking into the availability of a support group around here for parents of children who were adopted from foster care.  So many of the problems and symptoms adopted children have, even for those who do not have BPD, are similar.  I think it might help.  Have you thought about doing any of those things (if you aren't already)?  I also belong to a gym and try to get there everyday while she is in school.  It doesn't change things obviously, but I think it makes me feel better and keeps me healthier, at least physically.    from a fellow adoptive mom who understands your pain!

[muffetbuffet]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.  My DH and I are not in a support group right now.  I am on meds daily and also keep the bottle of Ativan close by for the worst days .  We would like nothing more than to gain our life back.  Putting out strict boundaries and letting her go is easier said than done because the mistakes she could make would be way too costly in more than one way.  We have all but let go of keeping track of grades and issues with school.  Just cannot handle it.  Plus she is not hurting us if she does not pass her classes.  The other issues are attendance and guys.  She has missed so much school that the next unexcused absence and we will have charges/fines leveed against us.  Big argument yesterday was that DD wants to leave home early in AM so that she can walk to boyfriend's house on the opposite side of town and then walk to school.  My husband has been dropping her at the door of the school everyday so that we know she at least made it that far.  The other issue with the boys is that there is no doubt in my mind that DD wants to get pregnant.  She is refusing to stay on birth control.  We are strict about the time spent with guys and she hates it. We could relax the rules a bit if we knew that she was "protected".  At this point we just cannot deal with a baby in addition to all of the other crap in our lives.  Plus it would be so unfair for a baby to be born in this situation.  Sorry for rambling but DD has really put herself and us in such a situation that we don't really see any way out.  Just talked to DH a few minutes ago and discussed just opening the door and letting her run since that is what she wants to do.  She wants the freedom to just run the streets and do as she pleases.  Only problem with that is that when she gets in trouble or has any difficulties (and we know there will be some) she will end up on our doorstep and we will be responsible.  There has to be some happy middle ground but just don't see where it is.

[Kate4queen]

You said: "Putting out strict boundaries and letting her go is easier said than done because the mistakes she could make would be way too costly in more than one way."

That's your fear of her harming herself coming through there. The boundaries aren't for her so much as for you.

The thing I realized eventually was that my fear was stopping me from letting my son learn. I was so frantically covering up his mistakes, fixing them, paying his bills, giving him anything he wanted just so that he wouldn't rage in my house. And all I did was create even bigger problems because then he assumed he could do whatever he liked and I'd always pick up the pieces.

The thing to ask yourself is this. Do I like living like this? Am I at a point where I'm prepared to make changes to myself and the way I deal with my BPD to save us all from this horrific cycle of dependent and rage and fear?

For me that change happened when I thought I was going to die from a heart attack and stress and imagined my son at my funeral still making it all about him and how I'd abandoned him again. Sort of a macabre thought but one that stayed with me.

At the moment all you can think, breathe and see is affected by your fear of what will happen if you don't sacrifice yourselves for your DD. And if that's okay, then, that's fine, but if you want things to change you are going to have to make some decisions.

And I'm not getting at you. My DH and I have had to make decisions that I swore I'd never do. It's incredibly hard but drowning alongside my son was no longer something that appealed to me. I can help him much more now that I'm out of my fog of fear.

[jellibeans]

i have to say Kate4queen has the right idea... .I have to print this post out because it has hit the nail on the head. I think fear has also stopped me from letting my dd16 make mistakes. I have always been the fixer and she relies on that but I have recently really tried to stop this approach.

It's incredibly hard but drowning alongside my son was no longer something that appealed to me. I can help him much more now that I'm out of my fog of fear.

Thank you for your post.

[muffetbuffet]

Oh yeah, the next chapter.  I think my husband and I ought to write a book about our dd.  Her latest is that she came home last evening from hanging out with the new boyfriend of 2 weeks telling us that she has been talking to some of his family members about taking her in to live with them.  She has shared how "we don't get along at our house".  So far she has two of the boyfriend's aunts who are willing to take her in... .ahhhhh how nice of them.  Tonight as we were finishing dinner, boyfriend showed up unexpectedly with two winter coats with him.  While dd was with boyfriend over the weekend she was complaining that her winter coat is not warm enough so boyfriend's family worked all day on finding her a new coat.  Really... .are you kidding me.  The only reason she has a lightweight coat is because she is so darn picky and she won't go out shopping in order to buy a coat.  No sympathy here!  Then to top it all off, dd tried on coats once boyfriend left and she asked me if she could say that I was being a *** and not allowing her to have the coats cause she does not like any of them    I then asked just what she was telling the "new" family that she has pulled into her web of lies  and she said that she would not share.  It was not my business to know what she was sharing with all of these strangers.  Seriously.  I can only imagine what rumors she is spreading through our town at this point.

[jellibeans]

muffet

I read your post with a bit of a smile... . I always find it so unreal how similar these kids are. If my dd could find someone to take her in she would be gone in a minute. They love being the victim... the abused... the misunderstood. The stories they tell and lies they spread... . exhausting at times. The older my dd gets I think the more she realizes she has it pretty good here at home. My dd was not adopted but I think she could toss us all aside if it served her best. I think that is the sad thing.

[muffetbuffet]

the victim... the abused... the misunderstood. The stories they tell and lies they spread... . exhausting at times.

Are you sure you do not personally know my dd?  Sure sounds like you do

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

sadly muffet it seems to be standard with people with BPD... . I think the real trick is not taking it personally... . which is easier said than done.