Natural Consequences What to do

[Parents! Get help here!]

Whie bought our d a car roughly three years ago 7,500.00 cash .  She has been in quite alot of accidents some her fault some not.  We bought the car so she could go to school and then job.  Long story she needed new car , she could not get loan so we put the loan in our name 8,000.00 about 6/8 weeks ago this is the second car we bought .  Problem with car from the start would not pass inspection told her to bring car back to dealer she would not I asked my h to handle it since he signed the loan and said no Im not getting involved its up to her.  Arguing with my h ever since long story.  Couple of weeks ago on the way home from work she hit and killed a dog.  Said of course not her fault dog jumped out in front of her car.  This past sat she got into car accident her fault no seatbelt on no airbags (this was one of the  problems why car would not pass inspections) Thank God she is alright banged up and sore but that is it.  She was on her way to work.  Now my h rented a car for himself and she has his car.  She could not rent a car because no major credit card now here is my problem how many chances do we give her she needs a car to work its about 1 hour away from where she lives half hour from our house , her mood has been all over the place since this and as usual before but this has put so much pressure on her.  Im so thankful she is fine but    Im really having doubts about her driving if we purchase new car when the insurance and reports come in  (they think car is ruined beyond repair) she also has a child my gd that i baBYSIT three days a week.  So worried what to do my heart is saying no more cars but how will she support herself but im worried she is going to kill herslef and my gd while driving any advise would be so welcomed

[mggt]

Whie bought our d a car roughly three years ago 7,500.00 cash .  She has been in quite alot of accidents some her fault some not.  We bought the car so she could go to school and then job.  Long story she needed new car , she could not get loan so we put the loan in our name 8,000.00 about 6/8 weeks ago this is the second car we bought .  Problem with car from the start would not pass inspection told her to bring car back to dealer she would not I asked my h to handle it since he signed the loan and said no Im not getting involved its up to her.  Arguing with my h ever since long story.  Couple of weeks ago on the way home from work she hit and killed a dog.  Said of course not her fault dog jumped out in front of her car.  This past sat she got into car accident her fault no seatbelt on no airbags (this was one of the  problems why car would not pass inspections) Thank God she is alright banged up and sore but that is it.  She was on her way to work.  Now my h rented a car for himself and she has his car.  She could not rent a car because no major credit card now here is my problem how many chances do we give her she needs a car to work its about 1 hour away from where she lives half hour from our house , her mood has been all over the place since this and as usual before but this has put so much pressure on her.  Im so thankful she is fine but    Im really having doubts about her driving if we purchase new car when the insurance and reports come in  (they think car is ruined beyond repair) she also has a child my gd that i baBYSIT three days a week.  So worried what to do my heart is saying no more cars but how will she support herself but im worried she is going to kill herslef and my gd while driving any advise would be so welcomed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

mggt

This is a hard one. 

Where I live, she would be in a situation with the Department of Public Safety, and her insurance would skyrocket.  She might even be required to have a restricted license.

Do you personally feel she is responsible enough to safely operate a vehicle?  Think about your gd as a passenger. 

I assume she does not live with you, is that correct?  To be without a vehicle is difficult and limits opportunities to be sure, but safety is paramount.  Are there any options for public transportation to and from her job?

I have been where you are and it is not an easy decision.  I wish you luck.

[jellibeans]

Dear Mggt

I do think it is a safety issue and whether you think she is capable of driving. Is it possible for her to look for a job closer so there is less driving involved? Do you live in an area where the weather is mild and she can walk or bike? I don't know if that is possible. When my dd16 started driving we got her a truck... . kind of like a tank. We felt she would be safer in a vehicle of this type. Have you thought about looking for something durable like that? Wish I had better advise... . you are in a tough place

[qcarolr]

mggt - this is really a difficult place to sit. Please remind me how old your D is? and your gd age?

There is a great concern here for the safety of your D, your gd, and others on the road. Not taking care of safety maintenance on the car, not wearing a seatbelt... . Was your gd in an approved child seat or seatbelt?

I have experienced the rage of my DD when she has been without a car. We have many times given in for use of one of our cars. And taken it away. Yes, it does limit opportunities for work and pleasure.

Driving is a huge responsibility. You are also taking some personal financial risks with your name on the loan, or in loaning her a car.

This may come down to a real life or death kind of decision for you to make. Maybe she has been given enough 'second chances'. Lots of people manage to get on with their lives without cars. Maybe she will have to move closer to her job or get a closer job. What are you willing to do to make the babysitting work out, without giving up your own lives.

Seems the natural consequences, though hard to take, would be for her to not have a car. How can you support her in this transition - housing, work, daycare issues seem most pressing?

qcr

[mggt]

Dear mama , jellibeans and qcr, Thank you for your advice my d is 21 my gd is 22 months she lives on her own due to can not llive with us due to her anger and disrespect and wanting to be out all night while we take care of her baby.  She has lived with us on and off for three years.  Never works out, she now lives half hour from us in morning she drops baby off here and then has another 50 minute drive to work then at night does the same thing.  Where she lives she is not lics. for her job in order to that back to school full time full time babysitting and no time to work so she could not support herself.  she does get some money from xbf  (her daughters father) but not enough to live on.  I have asked her many times to move closer many times but she says she is looking but nothing comes of it.  It is took much time commuting to our home and to her work but now she has new boyfriend and stays there alot same amount of time in commuting,  I feel if we do not give her a new car to drive she will spiral out of control down time for my d is deadly she thinks way too much and needs to work. 

We were taking care of baby from tue thru friday night but we stopped that due to her doing things we did not approve of so now I have her wed, thur and fri 30 plus hours other grandaparents have her fir night till sat at 6 pm and aunt babysits on tuesdays .  I love my gd but four days was just too much .  My d never seems to appreciate anything we do and all our conversations are very short I love her very much but I AM emotionally drained and so worried about the driving issue .  I will have to way all the options before we make final decision .  We have offered her every which way to help but she wants to live and do what she wants .  Thanks again for taking time to answer mggt 

[pessim-optimist]

It IS a hard decision, mggt... .

From what I see, your dd needs to be driving, so you want to keep her in that position. At the same time, if you keep supplying vehicles, it let's your dd go on with irresponsible behaviors.

I will have to way all the options before we make final decision. We have offered her every which way to help but she wants to live and do what she wants.

Are there conditions that you have stipulated that she violated?

Are there ways to provide a vehicle but motivate her to keep safe with positive reinforcement?

You may come up with something better, but just to give you a general idea, this would be one option:

You could tell her that you want to help her out, because you understand she is in a hard position and can't afford a car. At the same time it has been costly for you too, so this will be the last vehicle you will be able to provide, and you are going to loan her the money for the car and expect her to repay it. For every month w/out an accident, you will deduct a certain amount off from what she owes. And if she has another accident, the cost of the repair will be tacked on top of what she owes.

If she has no extra money and if you are providing financial help to her, you may reduce the amount as her "monthly paument."

If there are any safe-driving classes in your area, this may be another way to incentivise her (deducting more money from the loan, if she completes the course)

It depends on your dd's abilities - if you think she would not be able to do this, you would be setting her up for failure. If you think she is well able, this may give her motivation to be more careful.

Does that give you an idea? What do you think would be your best options for your dd?

[jellibeans]

pessim-optmist

What a great idea! I love it!