Experience with court, the police, and the BPD person lying with no shame

[beautifuldisaster123]

My BpD ex "hates me for ruining her life". My crime? Going to the emergency room after she stabbed me thirteen times. I did not know that a hospital would call the police if I came I. With stab wounds and honestly I wasn't concerned with anything other than the pain and the bleeding at that moment. I remember after she stabbed me she texted me for like an hour telling me I deserved it and she did it because I was "a piece of hite" and a "loser with no friends because I was the biggest arsehole in the universe". The cops had been called many many times before by our neighbors because she was yelling and beating me up and I always lied to protect her. I missed school, appointments, and even a wedding for more than a year because of black eyes and other signs of abuse that were visible.

I was tired of lying and for the first time a little mad at her. At first I said I got bit by a dog. When the police who knew her very well by this point said "common man it was her wasn't it? You don't deserve this", I silently nodded in Affirmation. Long story short she has been lying to everyone telling them how horrible and "abusive" I was. This couldn't be further from the truth and I know she has spent A LOT of time demonizing me and garnering a support structure. I don't know a fraction of what she is saying but it's things like "he has PTSD and blacks out and beats me and he doesn't remember". All of this is lies. The state is making me testify in court and the DA calls me a lot. I know she thinks I'm trying to be vindictive and ruin her life. She was charged by the state not me with assault with a deadly weapon causing serious bodily injury. Not by me I didn't take out one charge. All together she has ten charges. After meeting with her lawyer for ten Minutes he has taken her with a personal interest because as usual she has convinced someone she is the most unfortunate victim in the world. I have a bad feeling this court experience will be very painful and turn I to me defending myself. She is the only person I have ever met that could turn me into the bad guy in a situation where she stabbed me! Does anyone else have any experiences with a BpD person and court? I truly think she will lie lie lie and I wish I didn't have to be apart of this. I know as a man if it was me who stabbed a woman 13 times I'd be in jail like now forever. With her however, everyone in power is like "well we don't know if she deserves a felony and give her a break the poor girl etc. it's enough to drive me crazy I simply can't compete on her level she is a master manipulator.   

[ForeverDad]

Most of us here have experienced what you've experienced, though of course not to that extreme.  What you've seen was transference, blame shifting and projection.  As you've come to realize, anything she says about you is a description of herself.

The longer you're away from your abuser, the more balanced your thinking will be.  Don't feel sorry for her.  Likely her prior relationships were like yours.  (Did you get a history of her prior court interactions?  I bet the same has happened before.)  And without intensive long term therapy and her applying/living it, then her next relationships will be like yours.  So one benefit of letting her Face her Consequences now is to help protect to some extent the next guys she meets, cons and abuses.

Work with the prosecutors.  Read up on how victims can suffer from Stockholm Syndrome.  Read too Bill Eddy's SPLITTING handbook.  You already know that if you're weak in testimony that she'll have a greater likelihood of succeeding in blaming you for it all.  She's already building up her "negative advocates" who trust her slick blaming and ignore the contradiction of facts.

Please tell us you're never going back to live with her again.  Distance is your friend.  With BPD the closer the relationship and the more private the contact (no witnesses) the worse it is.  So accept she is Bad News.  Let go.  Move on.  Once you've recovered emotionally - allow yourself time to recover - you can choose your next relationship more carefully.

[marbleloser]

First,do NOT meet with her atty unless you have your own representing you! Her atty will twist everything you say.

You don't have to meet with him.He has to serve your atty (make sure you have one!) with a request. Have your atty work with the DA. DO NOT go forward without one,and ask that she pay all legal fees incurred by you. You need someone on YOUR side. The DA isn't,the police aren't, and her atty isn't. The DA wants a conviction,the police an arrest,and her atty wants her found not guilty by any means. Who's working for YOU?

Go today and hire one! And keep every threatening email or text she sends or sent and provide copies to your atty.

It's time to protect yourself.Don't fall on your sword!

[Waddams]

I generally try to not tell posters what to do but occasionally I do think situations can be extreme enough that an abuse victim is so deeply FOG'd that they need the proverbial slap in the face to snap them out of it.

First, I'm sorry for what you've been through.  I know it's painful, both physically, but more so emotionally.  This is a person that you cared for and has turned on you.  The complete betrayal is what hurt me the most when I went through my own experience with uxBPDgf's violence, police, etc.

Second, many of us have been through situations where the BPD lies/blame shifts/distorts/etc. and builds a network of negative advocates to support their campaign of hate against us.  I've been through it with an uPDxW (not sure exactly what her disorder is, it is really a combo of NPD/BPD/bipolar... .doesn't really fit anything neatly other than all the T's I've talked to, including our old Marriage T, thought she needed an evaluation to dx her properly) and subsequent uBPDxgf that I had the situation with violence/cops/etc. occur with.  I don't believe they're hate campaigns are truly directed towards us, deep down.  It's for themselves.  They have to find a way to justify themselves to themselves.  It's part of their denial because deep down, they know they are in the wrong.  And maybe I'm just cynical at this point, but I believe most people are sheep and believe what they are told without any critical thought at all, so they go along with it and believe everything until shown differently.  The point I'm building to is try not their hate campaign personally.  It's my opinion that it's not about you to be honest.

Third, you have nothing to be feel guilty about.  Abusers are good at inspiring guilt, but seriously, you've been physically attacked over a long period of time, and now need surgery to repair the damage she did.  Guess what?  You have a right to be mad, and you a right to want to see justice.  You don't owe her one bit of pity and definitely have nothing to feel guilty about.  SHE committed violent crimes against you.  SHE has brought herself to where she is, not you.  I have a feeling you might have a lot of repressed anger.  It's okay to let it out in a healthy way.  :)o it.  It will motivate you to seek better for yourself because that cop was right when he said "You don't deserve this."  Nobody does, not for any reason.  

Don't worry about court.  She's going to try to turn it into all your fault, of course.  It's what she's always done.  A tiger doesn't change it's stripes.  :)on't worry about her L.  Her L's job is to zealously and aggressively defend her, no matter how dispicable she is.  To the L, it's not personal against you.  The L is human too and probably sees her for who she is.  Criminal defense L's always see the worst of humanity.  They are used to, experienced with it, and I guarantee you her L sees her for exactly who she is.  It's just his job to do what he does, it's just business for him.  In the end, she can say what she says, but you'll have evidence on your side.  After all, who attacked who?  Beyond that, who cares about all the other crap she vomits out during trial.  It didn't work for Jodi Arias, and it won't work for your BPD either.

I'd also recommend you get your own L.  You might have grounds for a civil suit.  She's cost you a lot, and some of it you can put a dollar value on, like the cost of medical treatments.

Next, it's time for No Contact with this woman.  Stabbing you 13 times?  And then texting you about how you deserved it?  I hope you saved those texts and the DA has authenticated copies of them now.  It's time for restraining orders of the life time variety.  Anyone that buys into her hate campaign, NC with them too.  It's time to move on my friend.  Find yourself a good T for some abuse survivor counseling and move on to building a better life for yourself.  

Seriously, you're worth being treated better than this.  Much better.  It's okay to stand up for yourself.  Remember that nobody will treat you with dignity, respect, and value until you start doing it yourself first.

[livednlearned]

BD123,

Agree with the other posters that this is extreme case, and you need an L. Court can create victims, too, and you need to make sure you don't become a victim twice over.

It's also a good idea to call a local DV hotline and ask for someone who specializes in DV against men.

Here's a TOOLS thread that might be helpful for you: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

If you've been lying for her all this time, you're at high risk of sabotaging yourself. It happens. It's a good idea to post here so people can give you some guidance on how to manage the court-BPD dynamic.

[DestroyedLife]

Please keep in mind how manipulative they are. My ex got a pro bono lawyer who was also a  Methodist minister. She's a non practicing Catholic. This man attacked me with all the resources he had. I met with him so he could see the real me, (I was accused of severely and continuously beating her, threatening her, all a bunch of lies). It didn't do me any good. I brought my 23 year old son with me to the meeting to tell his experiences with his mother, and to substantiate my story. This lawyer would not talk to my son and seemed to believe everything she told him about me. I could not believe it. He's supposedly a pastor first and his website talks about how the family is so important. I have a 14 year old who still lives with her. According to his website, he's also supposed to help only indigents who have an income of no more than 125% of the poverty level. She's a very pretty blond teacher who makes about $40,000 per year. But she appears to be his favorite client. Maybe he's sleeping with her. They really took me  for a bad ride for almost 2 years. So just be careful. Try and get a really good attorney and remember that BPD's will fight dirty and say anything. I think my ex has convinced herself that her lies about me are true!

[livednlearned]

Please keep in mind how manipulative they are. My ex got a pro bono lawyer who was also a  Methodist minister. She's a non practicing Catholic. This man attacked me with all the resources he had. I met with him so he could see the real me, (I was accused of severely and continuously beating her, threatening her, all a bunch of lies). It didn't do me any good.

It's their job to represent their client, but yeah -- it can feel personal. I found out after N/BPDx's lawyer withdrew from his case that he was disturbed by N/BPDx's behavior, which you'd never know from the way the L  treated me in the deposition. But they are ethically bound to represent their client, and that feels weird when their client is spewing false allegations and lies. In my state, lawyers also have to go before a judge to withdraw from a client's case.

Best to learn as much as you can about the system so you don't get booby trapped