I hate BPD

[qwaszx]

I hate the BPD has lost me the best friend and greatest, smartest person I have and will ever know

I hate all the lies, I hate the manipulation!

I hate that I will never be able to talk to her, and express myself as the person I am.

I hate that she doesn't ever understand how she makes me feel, I hate that she can't empties with me.

I hate that she's not there when I need her to be most.

I hate the twisted views and backstabbing bull hit.

I hate that I get painted black for the smallest things, like visiting because I feel like in now a trigger to her but she can't see it or won't submit it.

I hate that she doesn't understand me.

I hate how far I let this go. I hate that I've let my anger build without feeling like I'm able to express it before because of how she would feel, how she would react, how she would handle it... I hate that I don't feel like I could express it now with out really hurting her feelings, and breaking an already unstable friendship. I don't want to hurt her in anywhere shape of form, but as far as she feels that's all I do and I'm not doin anything wrong! I merely kid around, and I'm human! I sometimes forget when I'm talking how fregile she is! And uncontiouslty say the wrong thing like "I know ur not good with ur money, if u want I could help u save by holding into extra change for u" which turns into, "ur useles, and can't do anything right! U don't accept me and my life style... .blow up, all u ever do is frustrate me, and make me feel like hit!" Which actually hiting hurt when I don't mean to hurt her! And mask me feel like I don't do anything right.

I hate that she can't accept the fact the IM NOT PERFECT!

I hate that she loves but hates me. I hate the I hate but love her.

I hate how complacted every simple thing is!

I hate that I don't know how to say the "right" thing.

I hate that I can't talk to her about anything between me and her.

I hate that she also carries emotions and I don't know where she's commingling from a lot of the time.

I hate that when she gets all spiritrual, and I laugh(not at her but because I know how it feels to be around her or the high she'll get and I'll get from that mood, it's because it feel wonderful, but I know the flip side And start fighting myself on where my safe distance between us is) bottom lines is iit done ant have anything to do with her, just my feelings!

K I think that about it for my rant...

[living in the past]

Thankyou for posting  i can tell how much love you have for her its lousey how that hurts us.best wishes.

[qwaszx]

Hey, thanks sometimes just need to vent... .she's actually really trying to change at the moment, but I'm very much hurt, and mad from the past I haven't figured out how to deal with. I've became closed minded that she could ever change or that we would ever be able to communicate... we've been friends for a while, and I've watched her change to this light time and time again, and I know the cycle and I know better then to believe her on everything, not trusting my gut and trusting her word is how I ened up so lost. What I don't want now is to discourage her when she feels like she is changed and trying, I can forgive her for what she did, but I can't forget and pretend it all never happened... .she was projecting when I wrote that but wanting me to open up, and I've felt for a long time that I can't open up myself to that hurt anymore so if protecting myself by not doing as she wishes is, or having human mistakes is to much for her, I donno, I want to be there for her, Its not always bad,we do at times have good talks, like later on after wards once we were both in a better state of mind, but for us to both now retrain our reactions to each other  will take a tone of work... So the question Is how much more time Am I willing to put in for her. When as far as history says there will always be more hurt for her and I. But like she says I can walk away from the BPD drama, she can't, but she is seeing someone and trying to change herself. Isn't that with something? I want to see her do well, but after the huge gain, I'm goin to end up grieving the friend I can talk to and share things with... I just don't know how much hope I can hold out for her that all this will work and everyone will live happy ever after, what's so different about this time... because I've heard it all before... how do I believe her, but pretext me?

[Surnia]

Hi qwaszx

Being undecided is a hard place. 

And everyone here has to find his way through it on his own.

Did you see "Choosing a path" on the right side ----->?

I would recommend you to explore this.

[waverider]

You need more space between you so that that the constant push/pull tugging doesn't cause such an immediate reaction within you.

You are finding difficulty staying centered and seeing the big picture that helps seperate the disorder from the person.

The person is not the Disorder, they are a person suffering a disorder. You are just collateral damage so you have to learn to protect yourself rather than fight the disorder.

[qwaszx]

 And how do I do that?  I'm not normally like that first blob, I've just got a lot of other stuff I'm dealing with right now... .normally I have a good handle on this... the push pull isn't what I got set off by, it was her ego right now, making me feel like she's better then everyone and inability to be able to let me have falts and at that moment not being able to see her own self. Her judgement of me, she wanted to talk with me about how I make her feel, where  I'm just a dick, which is fine if that's how she feels, but what isn't ok to me is to have to listen to her project herself onto me and not be able to feel like I can say anything to protect myself without having her blow everything out of preportion, and blow up in my face anyways...

I also have a lot of space from her.

So is my job to excuse each out burst because she's having a BPD moment? and split her into black( BPD moments) and white (herself moments) ?  It's a personality disorder right? Doesn't that make disorder part of who she is? What is her true self?:S

[waverider]

And how do I do that?  I'm not normally like that first blob, I've just got a lot of other stuff I'm dealing with right now... .normally I have a good handle on this... the push pull isn't what I got set off by, it was her ego right now, making me feel like she's better then everyone and inability to be able to let me have falts and at that moment not being able to see her own self. Her judgement of me, she wanted to talk with me about how I make her feel, where  I'm just a dick, which is fine if that's how she feels, but what isn't ok to me is to have to listen to her project herself onto me and not be able to feel like I can say anything to protect myself without having her blow everything out of preportion, and blow up in my face anyways...

I also have a lot of space from her.

So is my job to excuse each out burst because she's having a BPD moment? and split her into black( BPD moments) and white (herself moments) ?  It's a personality disorder right? Doesn't that make disorder part of who she is? What is her true self?:S

The disorder is a corruption of her true self. It is not a layer under which her true self is hidden. Even she does not know what her true self is. Hence the need for the idealized facade that even she believes is real

Its not really about excusing, it is about what you can learn to not let bother you, and distancing yourself from what you can't. It seems she is a dominant type of personality, so your likelihood of making any immediate changes to her behavior will be limited.

It's not even about you being obliged to accept anything or even be fair. It is about you working out just exactly you can live with, and what you cant, and why. You need to make sure that whatever you live with is your choice, given all options, as opposed to living simply by default which just increases resentment.

You are the only one living in your environment, so no one can tell you what to do, only prompt you to ask yourslelf the questions so that you can decide what is possible.

Despite all best plans and actions, there will always be times when it all seems unbearable and hopeless. If that is just something that comes and goes you can learn to accept that, but if is entrenched then you have to break the cycle. Before you loose your own sanity.

ps. we all hate BPD

[qwaszx]

Thanks, and honestly she is really trying, she's trying really hard to use skills she's learning in her dbt group, and therapy, and we managed a convo after the first one that we both felt better with after.

she's asked me(in not so many words) to believe her. Believe she's a changed person, believe this "light" side is real, but I feel like I know better then to believe her, because this "idealized" side of who she is will come to an end, but right now I feel like she needs me to believe her, believe that this is real, but what she hasn't realized is that she marrioring a new friend she's made. So this disorder sucks because I feel so bad and frustrated that I'm not able to believe her this time... so even though I don't agree with her, and I don't think this will last my job as her friend is to support and validate her in the process, and just let it play out to where ever it goes... .And hope for the best, at least this time around she has supports.

And that's what I wish she would figure out! She is both god and bad, she can't just erase the side  of herself she doesn't want or like, it's always goin to be there because it's part of who she is, I wish she could just accept her flaws, and understand that flaws r ok, and that they don't make u a bad person... .

It's just so frustrating wait, and watching, and thinking that this huge cycle of pain for her will never end

[waverider]

It is hard because you know she is idealizing her progress, and so lets the guard down and the bad stuff comes back, which gives her a bigger sense of failure, adding to it. Back to square one. You are right, there will be a step back, before the next one forward. But if her heart is truly in it and you have the resilience to support her, hopefully each time the swings will decrease.

Keep in mind that someone who either becomes symptom free, or at least manages the disorder to a level that is not unbearably disruptive, doesnt simply wipe out the bad and leave the good, but ends up somewhere in the middle. Hence fun loving side is often more subdued than present, and they may seem like an entirely different person. Add to this the whole experience will change you also.

I have been through this process not only with BPD but also with alcoholism (took 20+ residential stays before I have any sense of confidence), and also through endless medication addiction cycles. The endless 5 steps forward 4 steps backwards is common to addictions as well as mental illnesses.

It is a tough road, so it is important to be able to separate out what you can cope with and what you cant, otherwise you become overwhelmed. Recognize too that at times you wont be able to cope period.

It is a hard road for them and they need you to believe that you have full faith in that this time will be it, even if you don't believe it, or they give up as BPD only permits now to be forever. If they are a failure now they always will be, so why try. This is why when using SET the T part is the diplomatic part.

Many who have successfully been through appropriate therapy will attest that things often get a lot worse before they get better, as they are leaving their comfort zones and can react by being more assertive to counter the fear of loosing control. The effort involved can also bring about a sense of entitlement to reward or praise.

[qwaszx]

Thank u for all ur help, I'll keep it on all in mind:)

[TraumaLand]

Thank u for all ur help, I'll keep it on all in mind:)

I have no advice. But that this was very deep and profound and I completely related to it.

Thank you for your honest feelings.

[ogopogodude]

I think that this is my fav thread of all the topics that are on this site. I hate BPD, too. But I still love my wife. But I have to distance myself from her, so she can make it her decision to get help for HER affliction. I had trouble with leaving due to my faith and such --like marital vows-- ("in sickness, and in health, for richer and for poorer", ... etc). BPD is certainly a "sickness" but I left for my (and my kid's) sanity sake.

[qwaszx]

thank you TraumaLand, sometimes its just such a hard line to walk... it helps me out to have people relate to what im feeling more then anything I think...

I think that this is my fav thread of all the topics that are on this site. I hate BPD, too. But I still love my wife. But I have to distance myself from her, so she can make it her decision to get help for HER affliction. I had trouble with leaving due to my faith and such --like marital vows-- ("in sickness, and in health, for richer and for poorer", ... etc). BPD is certainly a "sickness" but I left for my (and my kid's) sanity sake.

OgopofoDUDE, I totally understand what your saying. if pretty dead on for how i feel. I hate it, but I still love her as my friend also, if I had one wish I would most likely be the BPD isn't real, and isn't effecting anyone(individual, and families/friend)... it damn well kills me that she has to live with this disorder each and every day, but it hurts me almost as much to know that there's really nothing I can do that will help or do any good, other then support her when I feel im ready also but from afar... on a happier note, went down to visit this weekend and she's sticking on her up part, and really trying to work on herself, she even kept her word on everything which is actually huge, that almost never happened. with no major crashing when I left... which hasn't happened in... wow I cant even think of a time... i know it will pass, but i'll be happy for her until that day... i need to learn to be present in each day, and not thinking or back in time...

its super hard to share any sorta life with someone who has BPD... loving someone isn't enough when they don't love themselves... my boundrys lie in only friendship, maybe visiting when shes good, a couple times a year but I don't think I can walk with her when she goes to hell again... my lifes changed and her life has changed and im glade to have met her, im glade for what she has shown/taught me... but im glade that the, "living with her" part is over for good:) for me leaving/changing my relationship with her has been the best decision i could have made, even though walking out that door was pretty well the hardest thing, but i needed to get away and its been worth it... and your so right, they need to figure this all out on there own. and i need to keep figuring out all my stuff aswell:) 

[dontknow2]

I think that this is my fav thread of all the topics that are on this site. I hate BPD, too. But I still love my wife. But I have to distance myself from her, so she can make it her decision to get help for HER affliction. I had trouble with leaving due to my faith and such --like marital vows-- ("in sickness, and in health, for richer and for poorer", ... etc). BPD is certainly a "sickness" but I left for my (and my kid's) sanity sake.

Ditto ogopogo (except swapping gender) but would like add that getting my own therapy has been critical to our bigger picture as well. I didn't realize how unhealthy I was until unraveling in therapy. Yet since I am the healthier of the two of us, I have the responsibility of taking the first step. In some ways, I feel like I'm proving it is possible to come out the other side because it will be even more painful for him to face reality during therapy.

qwas - Thank you so much for your post. I hate BPD too. Please be kind to yourself