Not done. Hand in the fire again - aargh

[Tricky]

Thought I was done, 3 long and painful months NC and wounded resolve.  Treated for trauma stress, anxiety, adjustment disorder and then depression following my ex gf's suicide attempt and the end of our relationship. Nearly went crazy, realizing the true nature of the dance I had been part of and truly accepting  responsibility for my part in it. And as the FOG cleared a little, giving responsibility to her for her actions and emotions. My emotions slowly aligned with my rational mind, helped by therapy and medication. Three months, then... .

In a moment of weakness, which I deluded myself into thinking was strength, I initiated contact. I'd got stuck and thought I had to see her to move forward in my recovery. I put my hand back in the fire. Obviously not done yet!

We've met several times and exchanged texts. I can see the dangerous dance happening in front of me, but can't stop.  In fact it's the best bits of the day. And I know it shouldn't be, and I know more pain is around the corner if I carry on. Sh!t. I'm letting myself be played like a violin, she's doing all that BPD stuff and I'm joining in with most of my part. In danger of being recycled unless I can recover my strength and resolve. Can feel myself being sucked back into her orbit. I was right 3 months ago with the strict NC, and now I've done something unhealthy, and forgetful. It took me backward, not forward. Seems I'm not finished with this yet and I can already feel my hand burning.

Just had to get that out!

[fromheeltoheal]

My emotions slowly aligned with my rational mind, helped by therapy and medication.

Nice!  Well put.

I'm letting myself be played like a violin, she's doing all that BPD stuff and I'm joining in with most of my part. In danger of being recycled unless I can recover my strength and resolve. Can feel myself being sucked back into her orbit.

It's clear from these statements that you are giving her all the control and you know it.  Time for that rational mind intervention again; if you want to do the dance again, then by all means, but if not, there's an opportunity to take control of yourself. 

More obvious than profound, but it's all I got right now.  Take care of you!

[Waifed]

Well the good thing is the recycles are shorter every time so you will be able to start your recovery again sooner than later. Just don't let her suck you back into the FOG. Good luck.

[Tricky]

Alignment of one's emotions and rational mind. That is the crux of the matter. And as you say, heeltoheal, I did express it nicely (thankyou) already! Mind says -you're walking into a minefield wearing the world's biggest boots, danger is everywhere, you were lucky to get out before. Heart says - you'll survive this time, just go for it, you love her, she'll love you back.

Need a heart bypass! Or a good dose of seeing sense. And a lot more reading posts here to remind me of what happens when you join the BPD dance and let yourself fall into mentally unhealthy holes that are clearly marked with warning signs, written by yourself in more perceptive times.

Ho hum.