Family Court & Accusations

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

You need a new attorney,NOW! I don't care how much "expertise" she has, when it gets to where you have to defend yourself against your own attorney, the line has been crossed. She's hired to represent you,not pass judgement,and certainly not to tell you that you need counseling. She's going to roll over in the courtroom and let you get run over with this kind of representation.

Yes -- this is a bit worrying, what marbleloser says about your current L. Anyone who understands BPD would never recommend collaborative divorce. For exactly the reason you just explained, needing to start all over with a new lawyer. It's just too hard to expect that the process will be reasonable. Your current L may have a good reputation for low-conflict divorces, but not know beans about high-conflict.

[livednlearned]

You need a new attorney,NOW! I don't care how much "expertise" she has, when it gets to where you have to defend yourself against your own attorney, the line has been crossed. She's hired to represent you,not pass judgement,and certainly not to tell you that you need counseling. She's going to roll over in the courtroom and let you get run over with this kind of representation.

Yes -- this is a bit worrying, what marbleloser says about your current L. Anyone who understands BPD would never recommend collaborative divorce. For exactly the reason you just explained, needing to start all over with a new lawyer. It's just too hard to expect that the process will be reasonable. Your current L may have a good reputation for low-conflict divorces, but not know beans about high-conflict.

[Matt]

My first lawyer came highly recommended - very smart - poised - professional - confident.  He told me he had experience with BPD, but he didn't really, so he pushed toward a collaborative approach, and nothing got done - around in circles.

My friends here told me, "Make a change!", but I didn't, because I thought it would cost more, and I didn't want to take a step backward.  Finally I decided it wasn't working, and found someone with experience, and it worked much better.  We quit talking about "collaborative" approaches, and making the other side happy - nothing I did for 12 years "made the other side happy" - and went ahead with what works.  Filed a motion and got the trial date set.  Filed a motion and got a Custody Evaluator appointed, who administered objective psych evals.  Filed a motion and deposed my wife.  Then submitted evidence for trial, with copies to the other side - and they knew what would happen if we went to trial.

Settled less than 24 hours before trial was scheduled.  Pretty good outcome, and things have been mostly good since then - much less conflict and chaos.

[Waddams]

I just wanted to chime in about a few things.

1) I'm not certain based on what's written in the post whether you L is passing judgement on you, attacking you, etc. or just warning you what the other side is doing and to protect yourself.  How is your L working to defend you from STBXw's twisting of facts?

2) Regarding therapy, a divorce from a pwBPD or other type of mental/emotional disorder is going to turn into an emotionally exhausting experience at best, if not down right traumatic.  Your L recommending you to get into counseling is potentially good advice.  My L flat told me she knew things were hard to deal with and that it was easier with help.  She recommended a T she's worked with before, and he turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I totally understand being quasi-obsessed with trying to get others to see the dysfunction in a pwPD when dealing with this.  It's important for the future health of our kids.  And it's awful validating and relieving when others come through and say "wow thisyoungdad, you were right!".  We've all been through that.  However, the legal arena is not the arena in which to seek this. 

At this point, it's in your best interest to stop trying to get your STBXw to be normal.  She's not normal.  It's like trying to teach a fish to grill hamburgers.  Focus on yourself and your child.  Getting a good T can help you learn to let go.  This is all very, very hard to deal with, getting help with it all from a good T will help you get through this in a way that is best for YOU!

You're L is telling you that the potential is forming to paint you in a very unflattery manner.  Heed her warnings.  Talk to her about how to switch strategies, and prepare for nastiness.  If she has good thoughts, and you think you're in good hands, stay on with her.  If she doesn't, then you can find a new L.  You're giving your STBX quarter in a fight where she is giving you none.  If this keeps up, you're going to sabotage yourself.

I'm sorry this is all happening.  You can get through all this, and get through it while remaining strong.