I think my with uBPD may be making my d10 depressed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I got divorced this past summer.  My x has gone thru addiction and was taking meds for bipolar and depression, I assume she still is but I don't know.  She is the most convincing liar I ever met and she is determined to make my life as difficult as possible.  She lies to everyone including our 3 kids (15,14,10). 

I told my 2 oldest a little about their moms condition but never told my 10 year old anything.  A couple weeks ago, my x said d10 seems tired and is not eating.  I see my kids twice during the week and every other 3 day weekend.  I have never seen her that way.  X wants to have labs drawn on her to check for anemia.  We take her 2 dr who says it's very unlikely.  He said she seemed very healthy.

Today my x texted and said my daughter was very tired and went to bed at 5.  I told me x I think it's psychological and she said she disagreed and will follow up.  I honestly believe my x is causing my daughter to get depressed.  She is perfectly happy and normal with me.  Has anyone had to deal with this?

[Baylor218]

I got divorced this past summer.  My x has gone thru addiction and was taking meds for bipolar and depression, I assume she still is but I don't know.  She is the most convincing liar I ever met and she is determined to make my life as difficult as possible.  She lies to everyone including our 3 kids (15,14,10). 

I told my 2 oldest a little about their moms condition but never told my 10 year old anything.  A couple weeks ago, my x said d10 seems tired and is not eating.  I see my kids twice during the week and every other 3 day weekend.  I have never seen her that way.  X wants to have labs drawn on her to check for anemia.  We take her 2 dr who says it's very unlikely.  He said she seemed very healthy.

Today my x texted and said my daughter was very tired and went to bed at 5.  I told me x I think it's psychological and she said she disagreed and will follow up.  I honestly believe my x is causing my daughter to get depressed.  She is perfectly happy and normal with me.  Has anyone had to deal with this?

[livednlearned]

Having a mentally ill parent is pretty depressing -- and it sounds like, with bipolar in the family, your daughter might be at higher risk genetically for depression.

Do you think your ex wants to establish a physiological basis for the "fatigue" because psychological issues can be very shaming and stigmatizing for pwBPD? My ex won't accept any of the results of psychological testing we had done on S12 because it makes it look like there is something "wrong" with S12. But with physical or medical issues, N/BPDx isn't so worried, because it's neutral.

Would your ex consent to letting your D get evaluated? You may also want to talk to a family therapist about what information is ok to share with your D10. When my son was 8, I went to see a child psychologist and asked her if I should tell my son about his dad's drinking issues (I didn't know about BPD then). I could tell my son was depressed, and believed what N/BPDx said about him when his dad was drunk (cruel, awful, rage fests, all targeting S). The child psychologist said kids know -- that if I talked to him about it openly, he  would feel validated. I wouldn't be telling him anything new. She also said that if I was struggling to manage N/BPDx, S was probably struggling 10x as much. Give him tools to help him cope, that kind of thing. So I had a really direct conversation with S about his dad's drinking and we developed a plan for what we would do when his dad raged like that.

It gave my son a rope he really needed. Talk to a therapist and see if they recommend something like that for your daughter. She may need to know you have her back.

[Matt]

Also, read ":)ivorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  It tells a lot about how a parent can mess with a child's mind, and what you can do to help.

[Baylor218]

Thanks for responding.  I spoke with the counselor at school who said from what I told her, my daughter has red flags and I should follow up with a therapist.  Unfortunately I can't get her seen unless my x agrees.   I talked to my daughter last night and she seemed fine to me.  She said she didn't know of anything that's bothering her but I did learn that mom still hasn't decorated the house for Christmas.  And that the night before SHE had to clean the tub before taking a bath because the tub was dirty.  I will need to find a way to convince my x to get my daughter seen.

[Matt]

This comes up a lot - and in my case too.

I asked the school counselor to suggest someone, and she suggested a counselor who used to be the school counselor.  My kids were 8 and 10 at the time.  I just took them to that private counselor - called, made an appointment, and took them.

I didn't tell the kids, ":)on't tell your mom."

Later, my wife's lawyer tried to make an issue of it, and I just said, "The kids were under a lot of stress and Ms. SchoolCounselor suggested Ms. OutsideCounselor so I took them, and it was helpful to them, so I continued taking them."

The judge not only said OK, he ordered my wife to pay half the cost.

Basically if you do what's best for the kids everybody will support that, and if your ex tries to make an issue of it she will look bad.

It's probably even OK to say you have custody - that's true even if it's shared custody.

[Baylor218]

Thanks, I think that's what's gonna wind up happening.  The one therapist I talked to said she couldn't talk to her without both parents consent.  I guess I will have to call around.

[livednlearned]

Thanks, I think that's what's gonna wind up happening.  The one therapist I talked to said she couldn't talk to her without both parents consent.  I guess I will have to call around.

Matt's suggestion to ask the school counselor for a recommendation is a good one.

With my son, I also helped him establish a relationship with the family specialist at his school. He was allowed to leave the classroom at any time and go to her office, where there were books and games, and just sit and put his head down if he needed to. She also checked in on him from time to time, and would talk to his teacher about how he was doing. It really helped him to know that he had a safe haven at school.

I did the same thing in middle school. Talked to the family specialist and the guidance counselor and told them that S12 can get flooded with feelings sometimes, and he developed a good relationship with the guidance counselor. He has asked to see her twice this year, and even though he is getting older and tends to want his conversations to be private with her, I always tell him he is doing a good job taking care of himself, that being able to get adults to listen is an important skill in life, and he's knocking it out of the park.

[Matt]

This happens a lot - Dad takes the child to a therapist, and the therapist says, "We need both parents to sign the consent form."  (I think there are two or three threads like this, on this board, right now!)

To be frank, I think that may be partly bias - people assuming that moms always do what's best for the child but dads don't.

And it may be something we dads project in these situations - a lack of confidence or maybe some other motive like anger toward the mom.

Be careful how you approach medical providers - make sure you're very matter-of-fact - child has a persistent cough so you bring him to the doctor - or child is showing signs of stress so you bring him to the counselor - absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, just a dad taking care of his child.  No reason for anybody to make it more complicated... .

[Baylor218]

The school therapist said she was limited in what she could do because it's not affecting her at school.  Her grades are good and she's not having any social issues.  She did recommend someone the school works with.  Thanks for all the advice.  I down loaded the book.