boundary advice, how to get him to stop trashing me to others?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

short and sweet. my uBPDh says things to my 6 and 8 yr old kids like "mommy is in the other room. probably talking to her boyfriend." or in front of friends at a dinner party: guest(says jokingly) - "uh- oh we are going to be in trouble!" BPDh: "I'm always in trouble" (with a look of disdain thrown in my direction.)

when he is on his meds, there are very little outbursts and crazy fights, but tons of these nasty little comments made to other people about me, in my presence.(so many of these during the social functions over the holiday. ugh) how do i enforce this boundary to get him to stop saying things to my kids? what about around friends or family? i can't really get up and leave a dinner party. it's inappropriate to "correct" him in a public way like that. but i am so friggin tired of being treated as less than human. help!

[Seneca]

short and sweet. my uBPDh says things to my 6 and 8 yr old kids like "mommy is in the other room. probably talking to her boyfriend." or in front of friends at a dinner party: guest(says jokingly) - "uh- oh we are going to be in trouble!" BPDh: "I'm always in trouble" (with a look of disdain thrown in my direction.)

when he is on his meds, there are very little outbursts and crazy fights, but tons of these nasty little comments made to other people about me, in my presence.(so many of these during the social functions over the holiday. ugh) how do i enforce this boundary to get him to stop saying things to my kids? what about around friends or family? i can't really get up and leave a dinner party. it's inappropriate to "correct" him in a public way like that. but i am so friggin tired of being treated as less than human. help!

[karma_gal]

I don't have have the answer to this, but I will be watching this thread to see if anyone has any suggestions because this happens to me all the time, whether here at home or in public.  I keep saying it's a boundary, but I haven't really come up with a fitting consequence yet.  Like you said, it's inappropriate to just walk out of certain places when they start... .and if we did that, it would just reinforce all the things they are saying about us anyway.  That is why I hate this behavior so much; we can't win.  It's like a life full of double binds, where we end up on the losing end of the stick no matter how we choose to handle something. 

I can remember one time when my oldest son had friends over and my husband thought it would be funny to make a comment like, "Have fun with the girls now, boys, because once you get married, you'll never get laid again.  Just ask her." Really?  It ticked me off and I said, "Boys, don't listen to him.  He has that problem because he constantly acts like he's four, and nobody wants to have sex with a toddler who has a small wanker."  Totally inappropriate, yes, but he has never made comments regarding our sex life in front of someone else again.  The teenagers still laughed about that up until the day my oldest son moved out.   

This is the behavior I referenced in another thread, though, where somehow he manages to get me to go "there" more than I should, and I really need to stop.  It's like he knows which buttons to push, I let him, and give it right back to him.  It's not productive, it's just making things worse, but I'm just fed up with the behavior you are talking about in this thread. 

[waverider]

i can't really get up and leave a dinner party. it's inappropriate to "correct" him in a public way like that.

Why?

Sure it will cause him to blow. But what would happen if you did this each and everytime it happened?

[Seneca]

i can't really get up and leave a dinner party. it's inappropriate to "correct" him in a public way like that.

Why?

Sure it will cause him to blow. But what would happen if you did this each and everytime it happened?

Well, in this case Waverider, it was at my house. And they were my friends, and all of our kids were there. I suppose I could have left, but i would feel more like I was punishing myself than him.

Karmagal, same here. The sexual comments are the worst... he has done everything from call me a slut to call me frigid in front of other people.

[an0ught]

i can't really get up and leave a dinner party. it's inappropriate to "correct" him in a public way like that.

Why?

Sure it will cause him to blow. But what would happen if you did this each and everytime it happened?

Well, in this case Waverider, it was at my house. And they were my friends, and all of our kids were there. I suppose I could have left, but i would feel more like I was punishing myself than him.

Well, it is understandable to want to punish someone here. However boundaries are not at all meant to punish. Punishing would be feeding conflict. Boundaries are intended to protect us and as most things in life are not free i.e. there is a up-front cost to us.

What are the alternatives in such a situation? First it is a no-win situation one can only loose. We do have a choice what we loose but there will be a loss. Either as a couple we (1) fight in public or (2) as individual we leave or we (3) remove the pwBPD or (4)we attempt to clarify or we (5)silently endure abuse. All 5 alternatives are damaging with the damage varying and the time-scale varying. Pick your poison... .

When faced with choices it is useful to think of what consequences will be. As it is clearly a boundary related matter consistency in our behavior matters. The last we want is intermittent re-reinforcement to make dysfunctional behavior more persistent.

(1) is going to backfire on both

(2) leaving the place of abuse is a good standard option. Not wanting to listen to nonsense is a sign you care about yourself. After you left there may well be consequences for him as others react to your leaving. And in any case you have removed his ability to further abuse you - that alone is worth it. If not possible to leave the place if you are the host then cutting him out of your interactions for the time being may be an option although less great.

(3) kicking the pwBPD out is harder but asking him to leave may be an option if you are host and (2) is not available. It is socially acceptable for hosts to remove upsetting elements. The unfolding dynamic of hard-ball is a bit incalculable through with the pwBPD either fully dysregulating or being forced by abandonment fears to cave and sulk.

(4) clarifying runs the risk of JADE. Still some short validating remark may be able to take the sting out and turn the tide. A bit tricky as one would need to validate "insecurity and paranoia" which in turn will trigger shame and lead to escalation. "Oh dear husband - afraid of loosing your great wife?" may or may not be too triggering already.

(5) sticking around with mud on your face waiting for more? Not so great unless we are looking forward to repeat performances.

Another option is before and/or after making it clear to him that what he is doing is publicly demonstrating his insecurity and fear to be left. Focused validation of the core driver may dampen his need to act up.

And last but not least there is DEARMAN which is exactly for communicating a need for changed behavior.

In any case - no fun to deal with this stuff  

[Seneca]

very concisely put, thank you anOught for the insight. Laying out the options like that helps me. I think I need to be clear next time in advance, and whether it is awkward or not, next time - just leave.

[waverider]

very concisely put, thank you anOught for the insight. Laying out the options like that helps me. I think I need to be clear next time in advance, and whether it is awkward or not, next time - just leave.

It has happened before for so prepare your response in advance for when it happens again. That way it will be a more thought out and balanced response rather than a reactionary knee jerk.

If you let things pass in public, then that becomes a safe haven for this behavior and it will get worse