Holidays are near and I'm feeling sad for the first time in a while.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been so long since I have last seen and spoken to her. It was apparent to me that I have issues of my own that led me to stay in the relationship. I acknowledged those issues and I have been facing them. It's been hard but I have reached a new level of awareness and strength but it's scary here but I'll get by.

I know she's out partying with her new boyfriend(s) getting drunk, having sex, and taking a ton of facebook pictures for her own personal narcissism which she feeds off of. There are periods of time, weeks maybe in which I am strong. I don't know why today I miss her. More importantly, I miss the fantasy I had of her. The girl that existed in my head, the girl without BPD. I usually just nip those thoughts off in the bud but I guess the holidays, feeling lonely, I don't know. I wish she wasn't ill. I hate that I think about her often and I was just a tool in her script, a prop with of no significance who could be replaced at the drop of a dime. I hate that I've thought about her so much while I am just a nobody to her. At the end of the day, Yes, I am glad that 70% of the time I do truly realize she is mentally ill and BPD is a serious disorder and it helps me move on. But sometimes I just can't help but to give into my curiosity "does she care? do I even exist in her mind? has she thought about me? and It angers me because who cares? what is that going to do? Is that going to magically cure her? turn back time? make me feel better? no. NO AND NO.. even if she were to go to heaven and back trying to show me just how sorry she is, I wouldn't believe it. If she called me 50 times and apologized via text I'd ignore it. Why do I still miss a person who never even existed? Just needed to vent.

[Iamdizzy]

It's been so long since I have last seen and spoken to her. It was apparent to me that I have issues of my own that led me to stay in the relationship. I acknowledged those issues and I have been facing them. It's been hard but I have reached a new level of awareness and strength but it's scary here but I'll get by.

I know she's out partying with her new boyfriend(s) getting drunk, having sex, and taking a ton of facebook pictures for her own personal narcissism which she feeds off of. There are periods of time, weeks maybe in which I am strong. I don't know why today I miss her. More importantly, I miss the fantasy I had of her. The girl that existed in my head, the girl without BPD. I usually just nip those thoughts off in the bud but I guess the holidays, feeling lonely, I don't know. I wish she wasn't ill. I hate that I think about her often and I was just a tool in her script, a prop with of no significance who could be replaced at the drop of a dime. I hate that I've thought about her so much while I am just a nobody to her. At the end of the day, Yes, I am glad that 70% of the time I do truly realize she is mentally ill and BPD is a serious disorder and it helps me move on. But sometimes I just can't help but to give into my curiosity "does she care? do I even exist in her mind? has she thought about me? and It angers me because who cares? what is that going to do? Is that going to magically cure her? turn back time? make me feel better? no. NO AND NO.. even if she were to go to heaven and back trying to show me just how sorry she is, I wouldn't believe it. If she called me 50 times and apologized via text I'd ignore it. Why do I still miss a person who never even existed? Just needed to vent.

[heartandwhole]

Iamdizzy,

I'm sorry you are missing your ex right now.  That hurts.    And it's so understandable.  You are a caring person, so it's normal to miss someone you love.  I know it's hard.  Things do get better, they really do.

Letting go of the fantasy was heartbreaking for me.  I realized that he couldn't save me from dealing with my own issues.  I was hoping to rescue him and take on his stuff, so that I didn't have to be responsible for my own healing and happiness.  Didn't work, like it never will.

I hope one day your ex will get help, because she wants to.  But that day isn't on our timetable, we can't control it or make it happen.  Accepting that you are powerless against her inner turmoil is very hard, but you have come a long way and I know you can get through this.

We're here for you. 

[Iamdizzy]

Heartandwhole,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not sure if I tried to be with her to prevent my own healing from past issues, it was more of being overly empathetic, compassionate, and of course naive. What gets me the most is that it's been a year or so already and I'm *JUST* starting to move on. I hated the advice I got the whole "get yourself a new girl, have sex, and you'll forget about her, new start new beginnings! Who cares!" And of course hearing / seeing how quickly she moved on... literally a week or so later.

[Tincanmike]

I am feeling some of the same Iamdizzy.  The sadness and missing her.  I have to remind myself that she used me and lied to me and moved on to others so quickly after our 8 years together.  Yes, I miss her, but I don't miss always wondering how she would react to me, I don't miss the 911 calls, the yelling, the slamming doors, our dogs cowering in a corner from the chaos, the dirty, disordered house, the late night visits from distraught exes and other guy friends, the constant efforts to make me feel inadequate as a husband and lover.  The list goes on. I gave her so many chances, put up with so much and truly things never changed because she didn't want to go to counseling or take medication.  To the end she said she was better, but she wasn't.  The cycle would continue, things being ok and calm, and then "bam!" some sort of extreme drama.  I am grateful for the peace I now have.  And I do miss her dearly, but to be with her is an exchange I cannot support anymore.  We now have a "cycle" of our own. We'll have our good days, weeks and then some sad ones.  Keep your head up... .as will I.

[heartandwhole]

I hated the advice I got the whole "get yourself a new girl, have sex, and you'll forget about her, new start new beginnings! Who cares!"

I hear ya, Iamdizzy – that kind of advice bugs me to no end! 

[Iamdizzy]

Tincanmike, sounds like a disordered chaotic mess that we are all familiar with. I don't miss that either and I'm sure every fight you had with her escalated, every fight was scarier and worse than the previous fight. I can say this, although I am in a moment of weakness, I know she's not happy. She won't be better off with the next guy, I sound like a broken record but the problems they have are unfortunate but so gigantic that no billionaire, no amount of sex, handsome partners, narcissism and attention should cure it.

[DragoN]

I miss the fantasy I had

The fantasy. And keep remembering the Reality. It will cancel out the Fantasy relatively quickly. Grieve when you feel you need to, the emotions are real, and temporary, and carry on. Hang out with your friends for a reality dose, does wonders.

Missing our partners hurts like heck, but staying on the pity pot harms us. Hurt, own it and move or it drags you down. Will take lots of time, but go easy on yourself.

[Tolou]

It sounds like you are still hurting... .I wish well these healing processes take a different amount of time for all of us! Learn from this, grow, don't stay stuck, replace the thoughts with something else, consiously make the effort to repalce the thought of her with something else when she comes to minds.  Work on your own issues she was who she was before the two of you met... .Remeber the actions because the speak louder than anything that was said or promised.  Moving forward is difficuly but it is the healthiest option for you.  I think it is okay to miss a person, and truth you may never stop loving them and I personally feel that it is okay.  Don't let someone chage the nature of who you, we can't change people and if they truely are suffering from some mental illness or other disorders what can we do?  When you have tried so much and just can't threw?> Sometimes you just have to accept that this person wasn't the one and you deserve better that what she was ready to give you.  There are so many people in the world with so much to offer, don't settle and don't feel like you will never meet that right person.  It takes everyone their time frame to get over these things but if you find yourself constantly reliving the past the couldve shouldve wouldve, seek some guidance if necessary.  Process the thoughts, feelign with a rational like mind and focus on things to improve yourself.

[Iamdizzy]

thank you for your replies.

I was doing well for quite a while. Every time I thought about her, I said nope, enough who cares and it actually worked. Whenever I had a thought about her I would let it go. I felt free. I want that freedom again. I hope this is just a minor roadblock.

[Perfidy]

  happy holidays my friend.