how to set boundaries re phone calls

[mother in law]

I am not the parent but the grandparent of a 10 year old girl who is doing quite well at the moment. As per agreement she is with her father Christmas day which is spent at our house. She was asked 3 times about ringing her mother on the day and she refused each time. She told me she didn't want to talk to her as she asked non stop questions that gd didn't want to hear or answer and she says nasty to things to her about us all. Her father tried to insist but she wouldn't do it.  So for better or worse we let it go and continued to have a lovely family day. When my husband turned on his phone the next day her found a text Fromm ex DiL denigrating our son saying he should have let their daughter ring ex DiL and that he never makes an effort (it is quite the opposite he rings gd morning and night if she is not with him and it depends on ex dil mood as to whether she will answer her phone and let her talk). My husband wrote her a polite message back saying we hope she had a nice Christmas and he suggested if she wanted to talk to gd to call our son_her ex, call our home phone or call my mobile as it is always on, he finished the text politely by saying he hoped she had a good new year. He received another text today stating she would only ring the other numbers in an emergency and our son never makes an effort which as I said is not true. I guess I should also explain that she now says Christmas is special but in court said she didn't care about it as she is not Christian but buddhist. We have ignored the second text as we have endured alot of this manipulative behaviour from her before and the painting our son black even though we all feel if she wants to talk that's fine but pick up the phone and make the call yourself.

We do not want to incriminate our gd at all ie tell her mother she did not want to talk to her as this would mean days of raging she would have to endure. However 1) how do we set the boundary with ex DiL that we do not want to be part of her manipulative behaviour and do not want to hear the complaints about our son and 2) get her to take responsibility for her self and what she wants ie ring up and stop blaming others?   am I dreaming? All advice is gratefully received. What would you say and do?.

[livednlearned]

DiL is probably triggered by the holidays. Christian or not, that day does tend to make people feel doubly lonely. My ex was also triggered. Like your granddaughter, my son (12) didn't really want to talk to his dad on Christmas, and there is nothing in the custody order about it.

If N/BPDx writes a polite, business-like email, I respond. If he calls me names, or makes threats, or rages, I ignore it. I've never explained that to him, at least not that I can remember, it's just how it works.

It's actually a very good boundary for your GD to set that she does not want to speak to her mom because her mom rages, but at this point, it's probably best that you take the heat for that boundary, and not GD. Incriminating her will only end badly for GD.

The bottom line is that there is nothing in the custody order, and DiL won't call the many numbers she can call if she wants to reach GD. The best boundaries are consistent. ":)iL, as mentioned before, there are 3 numbers you can call when you want to talk to GD."

You can't stop her from complaining and trying to manipulate the situation. But you can let her know, again and again, that she can call x, y, and z. Just like you did. Repeat it, repeat it, repeat it.

Polite, reasonable, no further explanations needed.

[mother in law]

Thank you lived n learned that is how I felt but as we are learning how to deal with it all in a fashion that reduces conflict I often worry that we have done the right thing. Am happy to cop the flack for gd, rather me than her. It is the 2nd boundary she has created of her own accord in as many Weeks she is now doing well for a10 year old. I will now have to tell my son the events so that the same mantra re phone numbers is repeated in a firm but kind manner. Does it ever end?

[livednlearned]

I think it does end, or at least it changes, but it's more about how we manage our own reactions than it is about their behavior. I still feel moments when N/BPD x upsets me, but I have grown to expect his behavior and that somehow makes it harder for him to rent space in my head. I never thought I would ever say this, but I even feel a very specific kind of compassion for him. My boundaries are very strong with him, and we are essentially parallel parenting. But I see him as someone with a terrible illness in which he is emotionally a young, terribly broken child. He takes no responsibility for his behavior and his feelings overwhelm him in the moment, and my job is to respond with boundaries.

Your GD is a resilient child! In time, she may develop even stronger boundaries than the one she just displayed. "Mom, I will talk to you on the phone but if you say mean things about dad and grandma, I will end the call."