Absolutely crazy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDw was out of the house for most of the afternoon today being with her friends. When she got back, she mentioned that one of them did not show up due to a virus. So, my BPDw called her and offered to bring her some chicken noodle soup which is a nice gesture, right? Once she brought it to her, my BPDw said that her friend did not appear sick looking. She came back here to complain to me for about 10 minutes about how fake her friend acted. She now is calling and talking to that same friend having a nice conversation about what happened when the rest of the friends got together. Oh yes, my BPDw also complained about her mother and about others. I just listened, trying to making some sense of what was being said. Afterwards, I explained something positive that happened during my day, and she said "that's good". I was really happy about this, because it was something to help a new student of mine during the Spring semester. So, as far as my BPDw is concerned, it truly is hard to deal with someone who is absolutely crazy and frankly fake! I just wish she could have a positive perspective about life. She did not have to call her friend after complaining as much as she did. So, I just wonder who is my real BPDw! I guess you can all ask that!

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw was out of the house for most of the afternoon today being with her friends. When she got back, she mentioned that one of them did not show up due to a virus. So, my BPDw called her and offered to bring her some chicken noodle soup which is a nice gesture, right? Once she brought it to her, my BPDw said that her friend did not appear sick looking. She came back here to complain to me for about 10 minutes about how fake her friend acted. She now is calling and talking to that same friend having a nice conversation about what happened when the rest of the friends got together. Oh yes, my BPDw also complained about her mother and about others. I just listened, trying to making some sense of what was being said. Afterwards, I explained something positive that happened during my day, and she said "that's good". I was really happy about this, because it was something to help a new student of mine during the Spring semester. So, as far as my BPDw is concerned, it truly is hard to deal with someone who is absolutely crazy and frankly fake! I just wish she could have a positive perspective about life. She did not have to call her friend after complaining as much as she did. So, I just wonder who is my real BPDw! I guess you can all ask that!

[necchi]

Uhhhmm?

Run... ? Just run to the leaving board and don't look back!

[Samuel S.]

Now that my BPDw has finished talking with this friend of hers, my BPDw's suspicions about her were correct. She did not want to attend due to personality conflicts. While my BPDw was correct in her suspicions, she still is very degrading of others--family, friends, and co-workers. I tried for a long time to have her realize that while nobody is absolutely perfect, there are also good qualities in everybody. Nevertheless, she accentuates the negative while hardly ever acknowledging the positive of others. Also, whenever she is overbooked or tired, she plays the "why me" card, and I have to listen and to validate what she feels, but it is just another way for her to continuously get my attention. In contrast, I can accept this negativity and positivity of others, but I also am very optimistic, encouraging, praising, and loving--traits which my BPDw sadly does not have. Also, I don't seek attention. I just want to help, which my BPDw doesn't want to do, although she hopes to become a helping professional. Ironic, don't you think?

[necchi]

! If she's BPD, nothing will change !It will be hurtful,but life goes on after this, make the best of your life. This crazy will always come around to being crazy making!

BPD isn't about you!

make it about you though!

[froggy]

Oh doesn't the constant negativity get soo old. Every day for 33 years. ... work mates and friends... .until someone new comes along and he switches focus and they are painted white.

Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a child not someone who is 56... .no... not sometimes... .most of the time.

[so#overit]

Mine was the only one that was allowed to complain about anyone.  If I had something negative to say about someone (even if he had just complained about the same person), he would argue until he was blue in the face about how "they weren't that bad", "nobody is perfect", with this 'oh now now, patronizing tone of voice'.  Same thing with advice.  I would tell him I thought something was a good idea/how to fix something and he would throw it back in my face saying it would never work/didn't make sense/wasn't how things were done etc etc.  Then someone else would come along and give him the same advice, verbatim and he would think it was the greatest idea ever. wth?

[Surnia]

Hi Samuel

Sounds too me like its really time for an Inventory about your relationship / marriage. You cannot change her only yourself. What about a list with pros and cons, what are your needs in a rs and so on... .

What do you think?

[froggy]

Been there done that... or tv shows... .tells me the show is dumb... .then years later brings the series home from the library and tells me what a cool show it is and I should watch it

Does yours tune you out or completely ignore you when you speak? But needs you to reply in a split second when he talks?

I hate the double standards

[so#overit]

Does yours tune you out or completely ignore you when you speak? But needs you to reply in a split second when he talks?

oh yeah, I could tell him I just murdered someone and he would be like "mmhhmm that's nice".  But I had to chime in at all the right times when he talked and tell him all the right things or I "wasn't communicating".  But if I talked too much or tried to sort out any of our issues/his inconsistencies then I was "being too emotional".   For the most part though he was content to jabber on in an endless monotone and was ok with my uhuh, yeah, ok's. 

[Samuel S.]

IF all goes as planned, my BPDw wants to drive to the coast tomorrow to check out a hotel that she wants to stay overnight for a class she has nearby there in January. Then, she wants to have a picnic at the beach and maybe take in a movie. While all this sounds delightful, I just can't trust the intentions or the consequences, because due to past experiences, she will complain that she felt obligated to spend time with me instead of devoting time to what she wants to do. Of course, this plan might change, since she is on call for her work tomorrow. It also all is rather artificial, like one day with her is to make up for the last 2 years.

[Surnia]

Sounds like there is always an "exit" for her and work/school is very present...

May I ask you: What would a delightful day for you?

And can you make plans together?

[Samuel S.]

Yep, it worked out that she was called in for work today, but she supposedly now wants to go to the coast, have lunch there, and go to a movie on Sunday, but I am not holding my breath on that one.

As for what would be a delightful day for me with her, I would suggest going to the beach, having a nice stroll along the beach, having lunch, and getting a nice, soothing massage--all of which we had done previously.

As for making plans together, seeing that her work and school schedule is so intertwined and seeing that she becomes so immersed almost to the point of being stressed and delighted by her schedule, there is no possible way for us to make plans together, because everything is dependent upon her and her schedule.

By the way, sometime ago, when I wrote on an anniversary card to her the word "us", she said there is no "us". I don't know if she even remembers that she said that, but the very fact that she said something so very hurtful like that makes me have a lot of distrust about her intentions.

You might ask why I stay with her. I always have hoped that she might become a little more compassionate while still honoring herself. Yet, this hope is slowly but surely weakening.

[Surnia]

You might ask why I stay with her. I always have hoped that she might become a little more compassionate while still honoring herself. Yet, this hope is slowly but surely weakening.

This is the painful path in direction to a more realistic view of what is. 

Its also the path to more happiness - later. The path to a relationship were your needs are  met too.

[Samuel S.]

Along with my hope that has weakened, I am actually weak physically and emotionally. The only thing that is keeping me focused is giving back to others who are truly genuine, loving, and caring. It is only then when I am strengthened somewhat, but otherwise, it just remains a painful path, a weakening path, every time that my BPDw decides to isolate herself by her work and by her studies from the reason why we are a family--because we are supposedly a couple that is supposed to have common bonds and compassion for one another. She is only interested in me, if I listen and validate, while it is definitely a one way street--her way or no way!

[Surnia]

Its in a way logic for me that you feel weak under such circumstances?

Can you imagine a life without being here for her?

[123Phoebe]

Hi Samuel,

Our relationships help a lot to take a closer look at ourselves and what we value.

I know a Dr (a surgeon) who retired this year.  This will be the first Christmas that he actually gets to spend with his family after a 40yr very successful career.  His wife has supported him every step of the way.  Sure, she would've liked to spend those Christmas's with him, but knew his career came first.  It didn't mean he chose work over his family in a selfish way, it's just the way it goes... .  Duty called.  She made other arrangements.

Not everyone could be a Dr's wife.  Someone might prefer being married to a teacher, with 2 weeks off during the holiday.  Or someone who doesn't work at all... etc.

We're all different with our own value system and have varying degrees of acceptance.  What works for you might not work for me.  It's okay!  It doesn't make us or our partners bad people because we don't share the same values.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now   It's a difficult time really understanding where we fit into the picture and what that means going forward... .

I hope you're having a peaceful day  

[necchi]

Been there done that... or tv shows... .tells me the show is dumb... .then years later brings the series home from the library and tells me what a cool show it is and I should watch it

Does yours tune you out or completely ignore you when you speak? But needs you to reply in a split second when he talks?

I hate the double standards

And they do this about you, your passions , that is something that adds up to the hurt!