My own PD

[Turkish]

I have a good R/S with them insofar as we all keep contact, and are close.

It's problematic because we are strewn around the country and, I have begun to worry that neither of them has had a significant relationship yet. I fear that this is my fault. My oldest because I don't think anyone can live up to his (very skewed) view of his mother and my youngest because, well ... he may be terrified of ending up with someone like his mother.

Well that is good! You should congratulate yourself on raising children who became successful, despite being wounded (as most of us are to varying degrees). Of course, the lion's share of their adult success should go to them, I hope you tell them that :^)

About their r/s issues... .have you sat down and talked honestly with them? I HATED it when my mom was always saying, "when are you going to give me grandkids?" But I also secretly liked it because it meant that I could produce something that meant something to her, in addition to myself. Sorry to say I did give her grandkids, even if my mom was alienated by my X. They share similar traits and it always bugged me that they lacked empathy for each other. My mom, more emotionally delicate. My X, emotionally delicate under the surface, but very aggressive when she didn't like something. No filters. No mercy. Little empathy. Why the hell did I keep continuing the r/s? Oh, right... .LOVE! *pfffft*

[seeking balance]

How did the therapy session go DC?  Do you like the T?

[damage control]

Turkish

Just because you got the 'lite' version doesn't mean there wasn't trauma there.

Mine is so complicated that it just sounds worse and worse whenever I tell it. Older siblings left to look after me because my mother worked 2/3 jobs, abandonment by siblings one by one as soon as they were old enough to leave, my brother, the last one left, was not equipped to deal with raising a small child and was abusive ... but he was also gone by the time I was around 7 and I was left to raise myself ... I saw my mother on Sunday afternoons but she was even then busy with housework/cleaning ... I raised myself and learnt very young that everybody 'abandons' you.

My mother also dies when I was young - about 25 so ... that didn't help ... I am estranged from my siblings (they have a different father than mine) and my only real long term friend (my mother moved us around a lot, I went to around 10 different schools so, long-term friendships were not really do-able) was the one who married my ex and now will no longer speak to me.

I didn't have a stable adult in my life ever. Nobody consistent anyhow. That, I think has had a large impact on my abandonment trauma ... I simply do not know what it is like to have someone trustworthy in my life who hasn't left. Even my kids' dad was not trustworthy, he may have stayed, but he was abusive and controlling. After him ... there has been nobody for longer than a year or so.

I am sorry to hear about what you went through. I am sorry that I went through my stuff as well. And I am sorry that this sh^t continues to impact upon both of us (all of us?).

I talk with my kids about relationships/sex etc... we are all pretty open with each other. I am not pushing them to be 'in' a relationship and think perhaps taking their time to become serious isn't such a bad thing...

Love ... .yes ...

I continue/d with my ex because I love him. I think.

[damage control]

Hey SB

Thanks for asking

I actually haven't been yet - still at work - session is in about 3 hours time.

I have met with her before. I was hoping for a male - not sure why, perhaps it's best that I have a woman - but she was very nice. I began our first/only session by telling her that no matter how 'together' I seemed, she needed to know that this is not the case - that whenever I have tried therapy, I have left after 1st/2nd session because the T had said something really dumb along those lines.

She seemed to take that on board and if she can remember it, and ignore how I 'seem' to her ... then, perhaps we can get somewhere.

It has made me so angry in the past when T's have said stuff like that ... you are obviously together, you should be proud of your achievements ... you seem very capable ... etc ... .

[seeking balance]

It has made me so angry in the past when T's have said stuff like that ... you are obviously together, you should be proud of your achievements ... you seem very capable ... etc ... .

sometimes T's think they are validating, but not exactly helpful.

You might find the book The Buddha and the Borderline enlightening... .it is a true story, and Kara really had to get someone to "listen" to her too.

Again, a diagnosis isn't as important as you get some tools to help you with the things you want to change.  Like I said, DBT is fantastic for everyone - it certainly won't hurt to pick up a skills book.

Keep us posted 

[damage control]

Thanks for the tip SB - I will definitely look for it.


I saw my T tonight ... .it was a tough session.

I told her what has been going on with the ex and also that I have become concerned about my own pathologies.

She said that she agreed with what I said about the behaviour/s I have and do exhibit ... but she also said that it was less important to look at labelling and more important to look at why the behaviours exist and how to work on changing them.

She also said that I seem to be less dysfunctional than what she would expect from BPD but we all know that 'high functioning' BPD just masks the issues and I am concerned about that ... I have never been as 'high functioning' as people seem to think I am ...

So ... I am going to accept that ...   going through stories from my childhood ... .that is tough. I have never really told anybody everything ... and there is stuff there that is going to trigger my coping mechanisms in a big way. But ... the ex has already brought all the stuff I had buried prior to him back to the surface and I can't go back now.

I can honestly say that I DIDN'T want to see the ex when I got home tonight ... I hoped that I could avoid him and was happy when I realised that he had fallen asleep early (he has been staying up late all week chatting/hanging out with me). And that really is a bit of progress.

I don't think I will see him before he leaves on his romantic getaway with my replacement and I am hoping against hope that this is the case.

[seeking balance]

She said that she agreed with what I said about the behaviour/s I have and do exhibit ... but she also said that it was less important to look at labelling and more important to look at why the behaviours exist and how to work on changing them.

A good T will give you a plan of how you will work on this stuff - next session ask her about a plan.

You may even ask her if she has experience with DBT skills.

She also said that I seem to be less dysfunctional than what she would expect from BPD but we all know that 'high functioning' BPD just masks the issues and I am concerned about that ... I have never been as 'high functioning' as people seem to think I am ...

Many of us learn (BPD or not) how to function in this world even when our emotions don't match.  It is survival in our childhoods where we have little control.  And sometimes, we still have to "do" things that don't match our emotions - ie... .go to work.

Unfortunately, many T's still do not have the necessary information on high functioning BPD's - they still think cutter & suicide before looking at all the other patterns of behavior due to the stigma.

The thing is, once the T and the patient truly accept there are some patterns that are BPD-like, there really are DBT skills that once applied really have remarkable results.

So ... I am going to accept that ...   going through stories from my childhood ... .that is tough. I have never really told anybody everything ... and there is stuff there that is going to trigger my coping mechanisms in a big way. But ... the ex has already brought all the stuff I had buried prior to him back to the surface and I can't go back now.

It's ok to face this stuff, feel it, grieve it and let go... .you will be ok.

I can honestly say that I DIDN'T want to see the ex when I got home tonight ... I hoped that I could avoid him and was happy when I realised that he had fallen asleep early (he has been staying up late all week chatting/hanging out with me). And that really is a bit of progress.

I don't think I will see him before he leaves on his romantic getaway with my replacement and I am hoping against hope that this is the case.

When we deal with our big issues - it does take a lot of energy.  Giving yourself a safe, quiet place in your life may need to be a priority for you.

Hang in there,

SB

[Surnia]

Hi DC

I am going to accept that ...  going through stories from my childhood ... .that is tough. I have never really told anybody everything ... and there is stuff there that is going to trigger my coping mechanisms in a big way.

A bit   for your courage, its a brave step, DC.

Its tough in the beginning.  

Keep going, its worth the effort.

[damage control]

Thanks for the support and kind words SB + Surnia, they are greatly appreciated.

I ended up running into the ex as he got up as soon as I went outside. It was a rather enlightening few hours discussion he and I had ... but that doesn't belong on this thread.

[damage control]

This morning I am really fighting the urge to run ... and run and run until I am far away from everything here.

This is something I have done many times but I have nowhere to run to and no way to get there so, it's the feeling I am battling.

Self-destruction starts like this for me. An overwhelming feeling of suffocation brought on by work or other responsibilities/problems and the desire to just crawl into bed and sleep forever. I know the signs, I know the symptoms, I just cannot shake it however.

I don't WANT to move forward because I see my life unfolding as work and stress and nothing more and it's just too overwhelming.

Problem is that this all becomes self-fulfilling as I sabotage myself by stuffing up at work or something of that nature ... .but I am not in Kansas anymore, I am in the big city and I need my job to survive.

I have put off doing outstanding work that needs doing like yesterday as i just cannot face it. Sounds simple when I write it ... just do the work but it is not dissimilar to asking myself to stop bleeding ... I can want it ... but actually making it happen is beyond my control.

[seeking balance]

This morning I am really fighting the urge to run ... and run and run until I am far away from everything here.

Hey DC, this is a basic survival skill that likely served you well as a child, but as an adult can stunt our growth.  Eventually, we do have to be with us... .this was something I had to sit with too.

Self-destruction starts like this for me. An overwhelming feeling of suffocation brought on by work or other responsibilities/problems and the desire to just crawl into bed and sleep forever. I know the signs, I know the symptoms, I just cannot shake it however.

Good job recognizing this feeling!  This is a huge first step.

So, let's just sit with it - breath

Now, let's move the energy through your body - sounds silly, but dbt skills talk about distracting and moving the energy to move the emotions... so... .what is that going to look like for you today?  boxing, running, yoga, tennis - for things to change, you will have to change your behavior to this overwhelming suffocation and you CAN do it.  The hard part is done - recognizing it.

Let's focus only on you - focus in your rational mind - this is a dbt skill also - it's ok to be scared and over-whelmed, let yourself be ok with it.  You have been here before and you made it past and you will again.  This time, let's try something different - not running away, but quieting that mind, refocusing that energy... .you ok with that?