He left,new woman,stopped visiting kids, now a baby all in 7 months

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

He finally came to see his children 21 December after 5 months with the girlfriend and together they dropped a bomb on them over breakfast just before leaving they live 3 hours away.Him and his girlfriend are having a baby. Then told D8 please don't tell daddy how sad you are on Skype wait till I come and see you? I'm confused with that one apparently both parties told D8 this think it was just him she could be carrying fairy tales I'm not sure I was not there. She is really hurt by that,he doesn't want to listen to her heart any more,her words. Shatters me to hear her talk like that!

Baby will be born in August so she's a month gone doubt that think 2/3 months gone names picked out all sorted. D8 rejoiced with daddy fell to pieces during church service an hour later.

S4 is an introvert by my reckoning hardly talks about daddy has woken a few time at night crying I miss daddy.

Question how do I help them I'm worried for them

[awomanlearning]

He finally came to see his children 21 December after 5 months with the girlfriend and together they dropped a bomb on them over breakfast just before leaving they live 3 hours away.Him and his girlfriend are having a baby. Then told D8 please don't tell daddy how sad you are on Skype wait till I come and see you? I'm confused with that one apparently both parties told D8 this think it was just him she could be carrying fairy tales I'm not sure I was not there. She is really hurt by that,he doesn't want to listen to her heart any more,her words. Shatters me to hear her talk like that!

Baby will be born in August so she's a month gone doubt that think 2/3 months gone names picked out all sorted. D8 rejoiced with daddy fell to pieces during church service an hour later.

S4 is an introvert by my reckoning hardly talks about daddy has woken a few time at night crying I miss daddy.

Question how do I help them I'm worried for them

[dontknow2]

I am so sorry for you and your children. It hurt me just to read your message.

Since your situation is very delicate and children are so young, I think your question may be best answered by a therapist. That said, I can tell you my approach (my kids are older though). If your ex has been diagnosed, you could mention their father is ill and doesn't have a clear head to make good choices in life especially about his family/loved ones. In my exes case, I was also able to explain that he was not loved well as a child and doesn't know how to show it.

Even though my ex is no longer living with us, my S16 is now coming to BPD family/friends support groups with me. I think hearing more about his Dad's illness and others go through the same thing offers him a little psychological room between himself and pain inflicted from his father... .I am hoping it gives him a safer environment to resolve his own pain now and later.

Take very good care of yourself. 

[livednlearned]

Are you in a position where you can get the kids into counseling? S12 started counseling when he was 9 and still sees the same person. I think it made so much difference -- some days he doesn't open up much, but other days he apparently unloads. During times of crisis, he will see his counselor 1x a week or 2x a month, but now we're down to about once every 6 wks.

Kids who have BPD parents are at risk for stuffing their feelings and then being flooded by them. There are techniques that help kids learn how to manage their feelings -- validation is critical. Power of Validation (for parents) is an excellent place to start. And like dontknow2 mentioned, having a support group sounds like a great idea.

I'm waiting to hear from S12's therapist about whether it's ok to talk openly about his dad being N/BPDx. He had a psychological evaluation but it wasn't the MMPI-2, and it was done under the auspices of a parenting coordinator's directive, so I'm not quite sure how to treat the dx. I think it would be helpful for S12 to know that his dad has a PD because it's super tricky -- when I talked to S12 about his dad's drinking, he experienced relief. I think he would respond the same way if I told him about N/BPD, but want to get a counselor's take on it before I do anything.

[momtara]

One of my children is 3 and cries for daddy too.  Sees him every 2 weeks.  It breaks my heart but they go on to something else.  You can validate the feelings "I know you miss daddy... ."  And distract them with something else too, and give lots of love.