guilt over how I left

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

it's been about 7 months since I left, and I'm feeling guilty and sad about how I ended (or didn't end) the relationship. Basically, I started staying at my mom's a couple nights a week, and then I just didn't go 'home'. I returned the car to him, and we said 'bye' and I never heard from him again; after 11 years!  He texted me in August saying he was moving that weekend, and I should come get my things if I wanted them. He texted me yesterday saying he was getting a new phone plan and the phone would be shut off in a few hours (I am on the plan). I just checked online, and he only removed himself from the plan, putting it in my name, with a past due balance. He has already moved on to a new girl and I think he may have moved in with her now.

Yet all I'm feeling is incredible guilt and sadness over  not being able to 'talk' about ending the relationship before 'running away' :'(

[frenchie]

it's been about 7 months since I left, and I'm feeling guilty and sad about how I ended (or didn't end) the relationship. Basically, I started staying at my mom's a couple nights a week, and then I just didn't go 'home'. I returned the car to him, and we said 'bye' and I never heard from him again; after 11 years!  He texted me in August saying he was moving that weekend, and I should come get my things if I wanted them. He texted me yesterday saying he was getting a new phone plan and the phone would be shut off in a few hours (I am on the plan). I just checked online, and he only removed himself from the plan, putting it in my name, with a past due balance. He has already moved on to a new girl and I think he may have moved in with her now.

Yet all I'm feeling is incredible guilt and sadness over  not being able to 'talk' about ending the relationship before 'running away' :'(

[bpdspell]

Frenchie,

Did you run away or did you save your own life? A life that's worth saving…

I left my ex too without explanation too but quite honestly we wouldn't have left if something in our beings didn't motivate us to save ourselves from the crazy.

I understand feeling guilty but it will serve you no good in the long run.  If you look over the course of your 11 year relationship I'm sure you have plenty of good reasons for making the decision to save yourself. The decision doesn't completely stop the immense pain we feel for disengaging from someone we once loved so deeply but we are WORTH removing ourselves from situations that are not good for our well being.

Leaving my ex was like cutting off my left hand to save my arm. God it hurt like hell but I had had it up to my neck with his narcissistic abuse: silent treatment, cheating, the lies, the entitlement…many times our ex's seem hell bent on playing out their self-fulfilling prophecy of being abandoned.

I say forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for making what seemed to be the best choice at that time. You did what you HAD to do. BPD relationships are the equivalent of being in a chokehold. Free yourself from the guilt because you DESERVE to be happy in spite of what your mind may be telling you.

Spell

[frenchie]

thank you.

it's so hard to remember... I know at the time I felt I needed to 'escape', but I can barely remember.

[heartandwhole]

Hi frenchie,

It's normal to feel guilt about how things ended, but I hope you are being gentle with yourself.  You did the best you could at the time.

I know you are contemplating changes right now, with school, and living with your mom is not easy.  Maybe when things are more stable you can reach out to your ex and make amends?  Or if you don't want contact with him, a nice long letter that you don't send often feels healing – it did for me.

If you start to remember, feel free to tell us more about your relationship.  It helps to share.