17 year old D has a chance to start with one class on Monday

[bubby827]

Her Band class is mid day... .She has been going before school and after school to make up tests and doing homework during the day.  Friday she had the chance to go to band but had a tantrum and would not go.  I did not make her go ... how do I make her go on Monday . . around noon ... .it is only one class and I will be in the band directors office during class.  Please help on how to get her to go>

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Is there anything positive she enjoyed about the class in the past?

What are her fears/objections?

Are there any privileges she could earn by consistently going?

I don't know the details of your situation... .We do not want to be bribing our children, we want to be teaching them responsibility. If you look at it from her point, what's her short-term motivation to go, or not go?

[cwhickman]

Unfortunately, at her age, which is the same as my daughter's, she is going to have to make the choice to go or not and accept the consequences of her actions. For two years, I have struggled with my daughter, getting her to school by any means possible: bribing, crying, begging, making deals with the school, Homebound, gradpoint, you name it.  I even let her take her first two classes online so she wouldn't have to go to school until 11 am.  It has not worked! I finally told her that if she wanted to complete high school that she would have to figure it out. I am exhausted.  She is currently in an inpatient holding ER because of reckless choices she made when she was supposed to be at school. She got a tatoo and  was sexually assaulted. My heart is breaking and I am at my wit's end. BUT I have reached the point that I have to make the decision to commit her somewhere long term. I am not sure if there is a therapeutic boarding school anywhere near you, but I am working on getting my daughter into one, having to take a second mortgage on my house to do it, but I only have 10 months before she is 18, and I have to do everything that I know to help save her from herself. I pray it works, and wish you much luck with your daughter. God bless

[jellibeans]

bubby

I think you need to leave it in your daughter's hands. If she wants to go she will go. What will happen if she doesn't go?

There has to be consequences for her actions but what is the natural consequence to not going to band? I would love for my dd to do cross country... .she is good athlete and it would help her make new friends at her new school but she choses not too... .it is her that has missed out. She has the right to not go. It is not in my powers to make her go. I do not draw the line there. There are things we expect of our children and things we want for them. We have to know which is which.

Going to school until a certain age is law... .I feel that is a battle I am willing to wage to a point but forcing her in some way to go to cross country is not. I think band comes under that catagory too. I am not sure I understand your reasoning behind this so please let me know if I have misunderstood.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I agree with jellibeans! Our DD14 is very musically and athletically talented and last year because she was a victim of bullying (or so it seems) we had to pull her out of her last semester of MS and put her in online school. This meant giving up band.  This year, and she actually has a college coach from a nearby university already looking at her for softball, she gave up the only class at school which would have given her a chance to get on her HS team. She had to apply last year and get a recommendation from her travel ball coach to even get in the class, but she dropped it because... .she didn't like the coach! We are so upset about what she is doing to her life but she has to be the one to make those choices now.  We encourage, we pull others in whom she respects and get them to "go to bat" for us with her, but if she responds negatively we have done all we can.  Have you tried that?  Is there a friend, parent of a friend or someone out there who can do something to encourage her to come to band?  Maybe the director, a friend from the class, someone from your church, etc. could call or text her and see what they can do.  Sometimes others can get them to respond positively when we cannot.   

[twojaybirds]

You cannot make her go  but aside from listening and validating you can:

discuss what may happen if she doesn't go (does she need this to graduate)

discuss alternatives... .meeting with the school counselor about her schedule

meeting with the principal (who have power to waive classes)

You can offer to go with her to these meetings (to listen and clarify not control)

or let her do it herself.

This is empowering without enabling.

Good luck!   I've been there and it does pass too.

[bubby827]

She did attend class today and was nurvous but made it just fine.  I told her how proud of her I was and hope tomorrow will be another successful day.

The situation is this... .She was asked not to attend school until she is more stable.  The band teacher went to the principal to see if she could go and get in for an attendance grade.  This I hope is the first step to get her back to school. 

She wants to go but is having a problem with one girl and is unable to contain her emotions to stay at school.   The girl was her best friend and is now just doing everything to make her life miserable.  Her heart has been broken because she does not understand how one girl is being so mean. 

So this is just the first step if she can make it through this class without falling apart she can begin to get back in one step at a time.  This girl is in every class she has.  One of the many problems of going to a small school.

[jellibeans]

bubbly

Is there a way to change her schedule so she doesn't have contact with this girl? This must be causing so much anxiety for her.