What do you say to your friends & family?

[PaulaJeanne]

So many of you have commented on how people keep telling you it's a discipline issue. I've been hearing that for years, and unfortunately I used to believe it. Trying to impose discipline was just an exercise in creating the worst triggers\rages & disappearances. Kindness, empathy, and a very thick skin are finally starting to serve me well. i wish I'd tried them when she (dd 20) was in her teens.

My parents in their 80's, didn't know much detail about what was going on, but they snubbed her attempts to talk to them on Christmas. They've never even tried to reach out to her. Fortunately she doesn't know them well enough for that to have sparked any reaction from her.

Both my best friend (who's like a family member) and my sister were very angry with my dd for all the pain she has inflicted on me. I've been talking to them a lot about BPD, trying to get them to understand.

I feel like the people closest to me also need me & felt threatened that THEY would lose me because my dd was killing me slowly. I feel like that's selfish. I need them to be understanding & compassionate with me.

My more casual friends were people in my close-knit suburban neighborhood. We were all raising our kids together & spent a lot of time together. Boy did I get earfuls of advice from them about discipline! I just change the subject when that comes up.

so what do you say to your friends.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

Yes, wouldn't it be nice if we didn't care what other people think , but we do. I am not afraid to say my daughter has a mental illness. If people want to know more, I will explain, but often that is enough.During my most difficult years my best friend was someone who had 2 kids with issues, so we were support for each other, That saved me, because she never judged.Do you have a mental health team of any kind?

They might know of a support group for parents.

With my own sisters, once we figured out the diagnosis, I gave them some info about BPD. What about sending an email with a summary of BPD and a couple of links to sites where they could learn more if they were interested?

As for my other children, one still claims it was a discipline issue, and 2 refuse to even read about bPD. I do not understand their refusal to try and educate themselves, and that is the sorrow I am dealing with now.

Yes, that thick skin- a gift from our bPD kids and a blessing when dealing with others too.

[Bracken]

Hi CJW

For many years, I wore myself out trying to hide the problems -  "keep up appearances."

Then a few years ago, I discovered that one old friend had a D with similar problems - so we could talk openly. And last year I made a new friend who in the same situation.

But a few days ago, I went further. I told neighbours/friends of ours, whom we had invited over for Holiday snacks, that our daughter was mentally ill. That was a big step.

I don't feel such SHAME anymore. Perhaps it is a sign of emotional strength - or perhaps a symptom of becoming emotionally numb - or being worn down and exhausted - I don't know - 

[pessim-optimist]

Hi cjw and everyone,

I am finding out that it really depends on the particular person we are talking to. We need to be selective in who we tell, and how we say it. Of course we cannot predict the reactions, but we can try to be wise about it.

I used to be quiet about our situation too. Then, when we finally found out about my step-daughters BPD, we decided about a year later to tell our close friends. Turns out that our friends' ex-wife was probably BPD too, and the current wife's mom has strong traits... . It opened up some good conversations, and it brought us even closer.

I am not telling my parents anything, it would not be wise or productive. They are not in close enough touch for it to matter.

If there is an unavoidable need for me to comment on my step-daughter, I decided that I'd say that 'she has some emotional difficulties'. It lets the others know that there IS a problem, it also lets them know that we have compassion and understanding, and it is a softer way to convey it. Most people do not need to know she is mentally ill, and they are not informed enough to understand either... .

(of course, if our step-daughter was low-functioning, I would have to find more explicit words)

[Verbena]

Family--All my family live several hours away and they know nothing, except for my older sister who I have confided in for years.  DD controls her behavior around all of my family.  In fact, she is charming and delightful so they have no clue.  My sister feels bad for me and for DD, and it makes her angry sometimes that I have had to deal with so much for so long. 

Friends--Virtually no friends no about the BPD.  There are a few that have been aware  of problems from time to time, but most think DD is wonderful and amazing--and she certainly can be.  Many of DD's own friends appear to be clueless as well which I do not understand.  Her former best friend came to me last year about DD's behavior which precipitated the biggest drama in daughter's life to date, in mine too.  I was crucified for discussing DD with this friend, who really already knew there were problems. 

In my DD's mind and in the mind of her new husband, there is no BPD, just mean backstabbing friends and a mother who betrayed her child. 

[MammaMia]

Yes, it is very easy for others (including family) to blame us for bad behavior in our mentally ill children.  We are often seen as condescending, weak, uncaring, incapable of discipline, and full of excuses to justify what our "spoiled brats" do.

Others have absolutely no clue what it is like to be judged on erroneous perceptions, and if you couple that with a child who often makes derogatory comments about us to anyone who will listen... . we probably do look like failures.

On the other hand, people who knows us and our child well are usually aware there is "something wrong", and while many pwBPD are able to suppress their behavior in front of others, their ACTIONS or lack of them often betray them.

I was never overly concerned about what others thought of me when my son was growing up.  I was more interested in what was happening to him. He was a teen in the late 80's, which was a pretty weird time to begin with, and it was before BPD was openly discussed or diagnosed.  He was self-medicating with alcohol, but I knew there was more going on than that.  Unfortunately, no one in law enforcement or the treatment programs he attended would listen.  He was just a drunk to them... like his father.

I think being honest, if someone inquires, is best.  The depth of explanation depends on who is asking, the circumstances, and how much you are comfortable sharing.  Ultimately, I believe pwBPD are entitled to privacy and respect just like anyone else.

[PyneappleDays]

I have a very funny (ironic) situation.  Blessed honestly.  My husband’s family, my parents, so get it.  They (when my parents were alive) are pretty good with it sometimes better then me and definitely my husband.  My husband has leaned a lot on here. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I really have to give my in -laws credit. They interact with her and sometimes buy her gifts.

My close friends have dealt with it in some manner in there life so recognize it.  They weren't surprised with the diagnoses.  They have been really supportive.  I have been trying to really the both of us help for a long time.

My siblings are a hit and miss my brothers and their family get it and kind of understand.  My sister is an hippy wanta be weirdo who thinks it's my fault I gave her too many choices and doesn't love her enough so it's my fault.  Anything to take a dig at me.

I do suggest to those I think interact with her on my side to read I'll supply the book.  I tell people its a mental disorder that makes her think she's alone in this world, so try validating her feels without giving into her wants do adaughterress her needs.  I f you have a problem with her let me know.

She does have a sweet demeanour with most people.  she's only nasty with us and her father, that I know of.

I'm always the one struggling with it.  Running somewhere between guilt and I've had enough.

[Arbre710]

I answer questions as they are asked, but do not volunteer information.  My daughter is 19 and out of the house, but when she lived here there was a time, about a year and a half, when she liked to call 911 and threaten suicide or say she was bleeding, so ambulances and squad cars were a regular site at my house.  I also had to document her acting out behaviors, which involved police reports, so they were at the house regularly.  When this began I went to the neighbor's homes and explained that my daughter is mentally ill, and that everything is OK and apologized for any disturbances we were causing in the neighborhood.  My colleagues also knew about her illness, due to unexpected absences at work to go pick her up from school, from jail, etc.  My immediate family knows of her illness, and unless they told other family members, I didn't share with them. 

Then there are the questions from others about children. I give minimal answers, "I have one adopted daughter."  When asked what she does now, I respond that she is not doing too well due to issues from her early childhood.  That usually stops any further inquiries. 

[Verbena]

The police came to my house twice the summer DD turned 18, and she was escorted out in handcuffs the second time after she kicked one of the officers.  The neighbors on both sides of us saw this, but I can't imagine going to them and telling them she was mentally ill.

DD was arrested four years ago for reckless driving (the officer said he had never seen anything like it even in high-speed chases he had been involved with) and  my husband's good friend who worked at the jail booked her and then called my husband. But I can't imagine me or my husband telling the friend she is mentally ill. 

I'm sure over the years some of the neighbors have heard her screaming in the yard (or maybe even from inside the house) or raging on her phone outside many times.  But, I can't imagine telling the neighbors she was mentally ill.   

DD has almost run me over with her car while in a rage, thrown food at restaurants and broken a beer mug on the side of the building, thrown wine inside her own home, and so many other things I can't even remember them all.  But I just can't go to people and tell them what's wrong.  Of course, I did discuss it with her best friend last year, and that was a nightmare.  I wouldn't do that again. 

I'm not saying it's wrong for any of you to tell people about your pwBPD, but my DD would wage a distortion campaign against me like none other if I EVER told neighbors, friends, or family that she had a mental illness. 

[Winifred]

In recent times, we just flat-out tell people that our daughter is mentally ill. I tend to share the diagnosis of BPD more than my husband does, but he doesn't hesitate to tell people about the difficulties we are having. It's therapeutic for both of us. We figure that people who don't like to hear our news have a problem, and it's theirs, not ours. I think it's better for extended family members to know exactly what's wrong. Then there's no speculating and less blaming. One family member is angry at us for unspecified reasons, but that's her problem, not ours. The truth sets us free. Winifred

[BioAdoptMom3]

I do share with close family members and friends and have shared with several of our church family.  Our Pastor and music minister know (DD was in Pastor's confirmation class and a member of MM's instrumental ensemble and part of the choir, of which DH is a member too.).  I did ask her the first time she was hospitalized in crisis stabilization if she minded if I asked some friends to pray for her and she said no, so I took advantage of that.  DH and I just cannot do this alone and it helps to have support.  During DD's 4th hospitalization this fall our church music minister did not share details, but did tell the choir that DD was suffering from a mental illness and this made life very difficult and stressful for all of the family, to please keep us in their prayers.  People come up to me almost every week and ask about how not only she, but we are doing and let us know they are praying.  That has been a tremendous encouragement to us!  My brother and his family have also been a tremendous support as well as a dear friend who also has an adopted DD who is UD BPD, age 20.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

I also think , where possible ( I do understand the need to honour your child's boundaries ) the more we can educate people , the better. Who knows, it could lead to diagnosis and help for someone else if we spread the word. And if we act like mental illness does not carry a stigma any more than physical illness, we are helping make it more acceptable.

[PaulaJeanne]

It's nice to hear everyone's take on this. I agree we need to respect their privacy, but it's not always easy. I didn't even live in a small town when my dd20 was in high school, but she created enough havoc that a lot of people knew things weren't right. I had to take so many leaves of absense from work, that I really had to let my boss know what was going on (lucky for me they are SOO supportive where I work). It's also hard when my parents ask about her job. I think from now on I'm responding "she's working" or "she's looking for a new job"... . no further details. My close friends know better than to ask. They know if I want to talk about it, I'll bring it up.

I have good news today, but I don't want to tell anyone in my real life, in case it fizzles out again. She started working at Starbucks today. She worked at an indy coffee house for a year before she walked out a few months ago. Crossing my fingers that when I get home from work she'll be happy.

[crumblingdad]

I no longer hide it from just about anyone including friends, family and even co-workers including both my boss and a number of direct reports.  I believe in educating as much as possible to remove the stigma.  If asked my daughter has mental illness and is a recovering heroin addict living in a residential treatment center.  If they ask more info I will explain more.

There are those who say nothing, those who judge and those who ask numerous questions and show legitimate empathy (more then I'd have ever expected).  I will provide as much education as those who are interested, those who choose to judge may travel whatever path they wish in a relationship with me or my DD - it's their choice, whether family or friend, to choose that path.  If they choose not to accept us as we are then it is no great loss to me.

Shame or embarrassment for my daughters illness is not an emotion I will allow myself to feel any longer and this stopped quite some time ago.  I wouldn't feel it  if she were a cancer patient or had diabetes or paralysis and I won't feel it because she has mental illness and we live in a society that often doesn't get it.

[BioAdoptMom3]

CrumblingDad - I couldn't agree with you more!  I have also often thought, but kept it to myself, that my child having a chronic physical illness would be easier in the sense that we would get a lot more support from others!   

[crumblingdad]

here is a great link to an article somewhat related.

www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/11/no-one-brings-dinner-when-your-daughter-is-an-addict_n_4256007.html

Its related to mental health and addiction and there is a video above article with author about the facts regarding why discussing cancer in today's society is easier then discussing mental illness.

A sad but very true reality of the times.

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you!  I am going to watch that tonight, as soon as DD is asleep  !

[ncmoms]

We have been open with most of our family members and they have been very supportive. 

Where we are in a dilemma is about the parents of our daughter's (14yr) friends.  There are some who see my daughter as a troublemaker and bad influence, and don't want their kids to be friends with her.  Unfortunately, that is even more so now that she's starting to abuse drugs.  I am wary of telling any of the parents about her mental illness because I don't trust any of them not to use it against her in some way.  Even though she tells her friends she has a mental illness, she doesn't want us discussing it with anyone, of course.

[PaulaJeanne]

ncmoms, you are right to be careful. If you don't know those parents really, really well, you don't know how they'll react to the information. My dd has been out of HS two years. I don't speak to or ever see any of the parents from the HS days. I'm glad I never talked to them, they are now irrelevant in my dd's life, and mine. HS is so intense when you're in it, and so out of your life when it's over. Your 14 year old  child has a whole long life ahead past these next few years.