How am I supposed to handle em when they start therapy?

[Purged]

Say for example my ex keeps going back to one bad event, where I supposedly reacted badly, but things are the other way round.

Should I not by now let them know they are twisting reality, give them the full truth.  That their disorder was making them distort things, Don't they need to know it to help recover from the mental illness? They don't like having things blamed on their BPD. She didnt before , but now that therapy ahs started if she keeps trying to unintentionally gaslight me, should I not try and drive it home? I gave up in the apst, as I could see a pointless argument. but surely the start of therapy changes things, otherwise I would be ... enabling her?

This is a very difficult labyrinth.

Thanks.

[Seneca]

couples therapy is really hard for pwBPD, and usually kind of pointless. it don't matter what you do. it's going to be hell. let the therapist ask you questions. you tell the truth, and let your SO tell their truth. eventually the therapist will catch on. stay composed. your pwBPD will dig their own hole.

[an0ught]

Hi Purged,

good question. There have been quite a number of reports on the board that when therapy starts the pwBPD gets a bit confused for a while and behavior changes in surprising ways. So it would certainly make sense not to add to that confusion. It is tempting believe that now when there is a T the whole world could be set right during the first weeks and months. Knowing the full truth is not a problem of cognition - it is a problem of dealing with the associated emotions. If it just would be setting some distortions right therapy would be a lot quicker. Learning to practice emotional self management is at the core of DBT and it takes really a lot of effort and time for anyone. As difficult as it may be to accept we can only work on our side of the relationship - that is us and how we interact with the pwBPD going forward.

And when the answer work on yourself sounds like give up - ponder this question: We we ever able to affect more? And if not does this not make us more effective focusing on what we truly control?

[rj47]

We tried couples therapy about 18 months ago. When the therapist made the mistake of saying to me "you're terrified of her, aren't you?", it triggered an episode that lasted for days. Each drive home after a session was a forensic dissection of every word, nuance and body movement and would trigger a battle lasting hours. By the 4th session she was battling with the therapist over her refusal to remain within agreed boundaries. When the therapist stopped her mid-sentence saying she needed to allow me to speak without interrupting constantly she cursed, stomped out of the office, and; accused me the entire long ride home of conspiring to make her out as the crazy. Over six hours of sessions I probably spoke 45-minutes. It was a disaster.