quick parent coordinator question

[momtara]

I have the opportunity to choose one who has a phD, but her hours are limited.  ExH wants to meet on weekends.  There is another one I thought was decent, but she is a social worker rather than having a phD.  If you worked with a PC, was she a doctor, lawyer, or something else? 

[Matt]

Our Custody Evaluator was a Ph.D. psychologist, and he recommended that after the divorce we see a mediator, who was another Ph.D. psychologist in his office.

I said, "Let's call him a Parenting Coach" because I thought that sounded better.  We both agreed to that and it went into the court order.

We saw the Parenting Coach several times, and in fact he acted as both a problem-solver and a mediator for us, and it worked as well as it could have.  Some issues he failed to help, but I don't think anybody could have helped - my ex just dug in her heels and refused to budge.

My personal counselor was an MSW - Master's in Social Work - not a psychologist, and that worked very well.

My opinion would be, avoid a lawyer, and make sure the person has experience with the kind of problem you believe is most relevant.  In my case, my ex has been diagnosed with BPD and other stuff, and I'm very co-dependent, and addiction is an issue too, so those are the things our guy needed to have experience with.  In your case, if you can somehow get those issues on the table, without blaming or diagnosing anybody - ":)o you have experience working with people who have X, Y and Z?" - just ask the question, and see what she says, and if you are convinced she has good experience, I'm not sure the lack of a Ph.D. is a big deal.

[david]

Our PC was an attorney. She made rulings like a judge. For the most part she was okay. However, when ex continued harping on the same things the pc eventually made rulings to placate ex.

[momtara]

Ah.  Well, I have interviewed several, all with a psych (not law) background.

I talked to one today who seemed good, but then she said that she is a mediator and cannot make recommendations or serve as a witness to the courts.  that disappointed me, because eventually there could be a reason she'd have to be a witness.  So I think she's out.

The one I like is a psychiatrist, but exH thinks she's too far to go to.

Then there are others with big retainer fees or seem to require lots and lots of meetings. 

There is one social worker who seems good and may be able to do court stuff, so I am going to call her.  Wondering if I'm just walking on eggshells again by leaning away from the big-retainer psych experts.  I am just worried about making things worse instead of better.  I want someone who helps monitor us but doesn't become a judge herself.

[livednlearned]

There is one social worker who seems good and may be able to do court stuff, so I am going to call her.  Wondering if I'm just walking on eggshells again by leaning away from the big-retainer psych experts.  I am just worried about making things worse instead of better.  I want someone who helps monitor us but doesn't become a judge herself.

Mine was a child psychologist, which I think mighta been the best-case scenario because she was tracking the same stuff I was, for the same reason. Totally focused on what was best for the child.

Do you have to sign a parenting coordinator order? That's an opportunity to clarify with language what she will do, how long her term will last, what she has authority to do. My L sent me the PC order and I went through it carefully, neutering it so that if she became a problem, I had something in writing that specifically said what the terms of her contract were.

One thing I regret is that I didn't pay closer attention to how the fees were structured. N/BPDx sent some weird stuff to the PC, and that was weird stuff that I was billed for. It wasn't a lot, but it made me a little nutty to see her itemized bill, knowing that dozens of emails were pure rage fests, especially after the PC scolded him about his aggressive communication with me. That is probably something you can negotiate. If you think your H is going to email her because he's mad about the way you tie your shoelaces, then maybe set it up so that he is billed for any issue he initiates. Her retainer was $1500 and I paid 25% of that according to my income disparity with N/BPDx.

That's weird that a PC wouldn't testify in court. In my state, they are legally very well-protected. It's one of the reasons I was so nervous. All my fears about what might happen (PC not "getting" him) never happened. She got him big time, though, especially when he filed a complaint against her with her licensing board.

One other thing I did was to ask her about what kind of training she went through to become a parent coordinator, how she might handle certain situations. Maybe find out, too, if she or he has a real clinical job as a psychologist or social worker. Mine did, and she only accepted a certain number of PC cases based on referrals from lawyers she trusted. Made me feel better knowing she wasn't in the PC business exclusively.

[momtara]

Well said.  I am screening all of them.  I am choosing between some heavy duty forensic psychologists, and some social workers (who still seem pretty good).  My fears, are as always, that exH will ask for more parenting time, since he doesn't have a lot.  And that this won't solve any problems because I'll still fear what he might do someday.  But doing something is better than doing nothing.  Yes, the PC's all have retainer agreements that my ex and I may modify slightly.  I put in there that we only retain one for six months.  Everything about the court process scares me and as much as a PC might help us, I don't know that I want one in our lives forever if she turns out to be awful.

[livednlearned]

Well said.  I am screening all of them.  I am choosing between some heavy duty forensic psychologists, and some social workers (who still seem pretty good).  My fears, are as always, that exH will ask for more parenting time, since he doesn't have a lot.  And that this won't solve any problems because I'll still fear what he might do someday.  But doing something is better than doing nothing.  Yes, the PC's all have retainer agreements that my ex and I may modify slightly.  I put in there that we only retain one for six months.  Everything about the court process scares me and as much as a PC might help us, I don't know that I want one in our lives forever if she turns out to be awful.

I felt the same way. My PC was accustomed to 2-year contracts. I negotiated for one. She scared the crap out of me at first because I knew she had a lot of power. It's kind of surreal that it ended up the way it did. N/BPDx hounded me for 9 months to sign the PC order, and then he ended up being the one to file a complaint against her and tried to terminate her contract early.

The thing that helped me was N/BPDx. He was in rare form, raging up a storm in email. I do remember that the PC made a point to say during our hearing for full custody that I was very judicious in my use of her services, where N/BPDx contacted her for issues that could've been resolved if he agreed to follow a more neutral communication approach.

[Free One]

I have no experience in this, but my opinion would be based on what you have said in many of your posts, I would want to go with the psych professional - someone with more experience than a social may have.

Does not seem reasonable to me that he is only able to meet on the weekends for a professional service.

I think no matter who you pick, he will find an objection.

[livednlearned]

I have no experience in this, but my opinion would be based on what you have said in many of your posts, I would want to go with the psych professional - someone with more experience than a social may have.

Does not seem reasonable to me that he is only able to meet on the weekends for a professional service.

I think no matter who you pick, he will find an objection.

Is the PC court-appointed? Will the PC have to go before the judge to get officially sworn in?

[momtara]

No, it will just be up to us to choose.  I know the person would have more power if we had the court appoint them.  There were two who suggested this.  the rest are ok just meeting with us.