Paradox of Leaving a BPD Wife

[Eodmava]

Hello All,

39yo. man here just beginning the process of divorcing an undiagnosed BPD wife, also 39yo.  Married for 16 years this February. Currently two children (D9, D3).   Separated for the past year.  Needed to leave the marital home when the abuse escalated following wife starting therapy.  Poor therapy for BPD can be worse than none at all.  Symptoms really began 6 years ago when oldest daughter turned 3.  A few years later following the birth of my second daughter in 2010, they exploded.  The sad truth is that I feel a strange sense of relief as I begin to focus my efforts on rescuing my two daughters from their mother... . rescue from your own mother... . wow. 

Soon to be ex-wife is an undiagnosed BPD.  Several therapists, a nationally renowned BPD expert and a clinical psychologist whom I have met with have all confirmed worst fears.  Wife is a child sex abuse survivor (daddy).  Red flags all along the way.  This slime ball still calls her "doll" in his emails to her. Until her filing last week I told her that if she would get help, I wouldn't leave.  Wasn't enough as her abandonment fears were triggered when she found that I had sent birthday flowers to a female colleague.  Now I was to be punished for having "an affair."  Mind you, this alleged other woman was someone that I never even held her hand or shared any sort of real affection for... . I was starving for attention and made a mistake... . flirty emails... . an "almost" affair?

Anyways, moved out of the house when the "f--- you" and blame storming and raging escalated into physical violence.  Much of this DV taking place in front of or within earshot of the two children.  Even though symptoms had always been there... . it seemed all restraint was gone.  Told her that I would not file and that I would like her to file (want to tell the girls that I didn't leave their mother) if she were not willing to get help, psychiatric or other.   Here we are a year later (state requires one year mandatory separation prior to filing) and she has filed.  Tried to mediate with her in July 2012... . was blamed for trying to control her and punish her for offering standard state alimony and child support. 

As the separation progressed it was clear that the targets of her dysregulation had started to shift from me and onto our daughters. My therapist had told me that it was OK to separate as it wasn't likely she would be as brutal to little girls as little boys.  Operative word there was "as"... . it's still brutal. Incidents include calling the 9 year old a "whore,"  screaming at her for losing things to the point that the kid doesn't want to lose a pencil, and kicking her on two separate occasions.  Also includes screaming tirades at a three year old for pooping her pants... . seriously, a three year old.  Went to see daughter's therapist about abuse concerns and therapist reported this back to the uBPD... . this despite the fact that daughter had reported kicking incident to therapist who told my confused 8 year old that "it's OK for mommy to kick you."  Seriously.  Can't make this stuff up.  Still debating whether or not to include therapist in upcoming legal salvo. 

Despite all my efforts to gain wife's trust and get her in to see a counselor specialized in BPD, she filed.  Now its game on.  In military parlance, weapons loose.  I'm preparing to counter file.  She is asking for alimony way beyond the standard in this state, as well as child support, the house, physical custody of the girls.  She has not worked since first child.  She never used her degree, which I paid for and she lived with me while a student.  Mind you, this is a woman who regularly spent $4000/mo. on childrens clothes and toys.  I'm preparing to ask for full custody, sale of marital residence and equitable distro of assets.   Need feedback and angles to consider.   Already being defamed, called a narcissist, accused of slandering her for trying to get her friends to help out, have been accused of rape, hiding money, ummm... . as far as support networks... . try to talk to friends and family about this... . unless you have seen her rage... . you can't believe this sweet, little, beautiful woman is capable of this. 

MAVA

[ugghh]

I am sorry to hear of your troubles.  Sadly the story is all too familiar for many of us.  I recently left my uBPDw of 25 years after realizing that she will not ever get better.  The projection and mirroring of her behaviors on to you (narcissism, etc.) is quite common.

1) Best advice I can offer is that if you do not have a therapist, get one for you.  My D20 called every day for 6 weeks until I started with a counselor.  It literally saved my life.

2) Get the best lawyer you can afford who is familiar with high conflict personalities.

3) Read the books Splitting by Bill Eddy and Divorce Poison.

4) document,document, document - even if it does not make it to court it helps keep you sane.

5) talk to friends, family, coworkers - you will find much more support than you knew you had.

[maxen]

hi eodmava. i'm sorry to hear the situation you're in. as ugghh said, many here have experienced he things you're experiencing. the 5 things he suggests are an excellent start. always remember, you're not alone, people here will understand. there are a few items you wrote in particular that are similar to my experience, if not in the details then in a general way:

Went to see daughter's therapist about abuse concerns and therapist reported this back to the uBPD... . this despite the fact that daughter had reported kicking incident to therapist who told my confused 8 year old that "it's OK for mommy to kick you."  Seriously. 

... .

accused of slandering her for trying to get her friends to help out ... . ... . try to talk to friends and family about this... . unless you have seen her rage... . you can't believe this sweet, little, beautiful woman is capable of this. 

my stbxw's therapist has been atrocious, massaging instead of facing my w's behaviors; my contact with her/our friends was met with my w's interrogation and hostility; i kept a list of things that were done/said during the marriage as nobody would ever believe the things i'd have to say.

5) talk to friends, family, coworkers - you will find much more support than you knew you had.

this has been my experience. if one good thing has come out of all this it has been discovering just how supportive they are.

[Deb]

Eodmava,

the therapist who told you this:

My therapist had told me that it was OK to separate as it wasn't likely she would be as brutal to little girls as little boys.

is flat out wrong. My dBPD sister used tactics on her oldest daughters that constitute torture as defined by the Geneva Convention. Borderlines can and do, as you now know, abuse their children. Not all, but too many. Read the boards for the families and you will see.

Also, if you are in the US, a therapist is a MANDATED REPORTER. They HAVE to report child abuse. You can find out who licenses these people and report THEM. This "therapist" is allowing child abuse.

[ForeverDad]

As the separation progressed it was clear that the targets of her dysregulation had started to shift from me and onto our daughters. My therapist had told me that it was OK to separate as it wasn't likely she would be as brutal to little girls as little boys.  Operative word there was "as"... . it's still brutal.

First, I've never heard that aspect "wasn't likely she would be as brutal to little girls as little boys".  Of course, I'm not an expert but I've been around for a few years and don't recall reading that one.  It sounds to me too much like an assumption or presumption based on ?

I recall calling CPS twice before we separated, that was back in 2005.   Both times in response to my reported incidents I was told my preschooler being exposed to my then-spouse's rants and rages directed at me were "not actionable" and was told to call back if/when she started ranting and raging at him.

So whether it is called abuse or venting or whatever, find out what is 'actionable' in your area.  If it's directed at your children then it is more likely to be actionable.

Many jurisdictions frown on or ignore recordings, but you may need documentation to verify what happened, as the abuser will obviously deny screaming, raging, hitting, kicking, or whatever and is likely to claim you're the one doing bad things.  Another idea if you feel you can't quietly record is to quietly call someone without your spouse knowing, even CPS or 911, then it will be heard and perhaps even recorded by professionals.  Since CPS is often a "black box" where they divulge little information, perhaps 911 might work better but be aware that then the police will be sure to respond.  They might respond anyway if they know your number and address.

Me?  I started with one silent digital voice recorder and ended up having 3 in case the others were full or the batteries weren't charged.  It was 'insurance' that I wasn't the one misbehaving in case allegations were made (they later were) as much as to document.

[Eodmava]

The therapist that told me leaving/separating with from the uBPDw admitted that she had never heard of a case this bad.  This therapist is a woman who has been a therapist for more than 25 years.  I think her advice on leaving was based on her assessment that a female child sexual abuse survivor would not be "as brutal" to little girls as she might be to little boys.  Not sure if she was right or wrong on that one, but the stbx wife is still pretty brutal at times.

I stopped by the house today to pick-up some documents needed for the disclosure request that accompanied her filing.  She saw me with our most recent house appraisal document and promptly told me that, "if we go before a judge, they are going to order the house sold."  I told her that I understand this, but that she has chosen this path.  She tried to guilt me into not forcing the sale of the home by bringing up the fact that the "girls" won't want to move.  She really doesn't understand that her refusal to confront the childhood demons and opt out of a 16 year marriage has severe financial, emotional, domestic implications for all involved, including our children.

I continue to love her through this entire debacle and can only pray that she finds the courage to face those childhood demons.  I'm looking forward to moving on with my life and freedom.

Last point.  I have always been a spiritual man.  I have been to war, had friends killed, lost a sister in her youth, but nothing... . and I truly mean NOTHING... . compares to the emotional wreckage this disorder causes.  Sometimes I sit and watch the sunrise and pray that God can heal her soul... . if not to save this marriage, so that she can live her life with the peace and freedom He intended her to have.  Nobody should have to suffer like she is... . for all the pain I feel... . it's just a the equivalent of a candle under your hand... . meanwhile, she is sitting on the sun. 

[gary seven]

Last point.  I have always been a spiritual man.  I have been to war, had friends killed, lost a sister in her youth, but nothing... . and I truly mean NOTHING... . compares to the emotional wreckage this disorder causes.  Sometimes I sit and watch the sunrise and pray that God can heal her soul... . if not to save this marriage, so that she can live her life with the peace and freedom He intended her to have.  Nobody should have to suffer like she is... . for all the pain I feel... . it's just a the equivalent of a candle under your hand... . meanwhile, she is sitting on the sun. 

Dear Eodmava:

So sorry to hear the pain that you are enduring ,a s well as the pain inflicted on your children.  It is time for you to get a therapist( or a new one)  for the children.  Or figure out somehow to get it ordered.  This may sound trite, but consider  "tricking  her" into thinking its her idea, because of "how terrible a person you are."  I have come to terms to offer myself up so as to force protection for my kids.  I love them so much it.  I usually cry myself to sleep with the realization that there will be a conflict of epic proportion.  Having lost two, and possible a third job because of her, I may possibly be unhireable in my profession. 

Your spirituality will give comfort in time, but there is nothing in the entire universe that can "heal her soul."   She is hardwired this way, and then she snapped and got worse.  Mine too.  This disorder is undissolvable.  when the epoxy and the primer get mixed and set up into a BPD brain it's all done and over.  Not even a phaser or photon torpedo can crack it.    Run and get those kids protected.  It may take a while.  Get some Nanny Cams set up in her place to record her if your state allows one party consent to taped conversations.

I thank you personally for keeping us free.  I wish I could free you of what has yet to befall.  Keep writing and let the exposition bring a few minutes of comfort in a community that values you and your ideals.  I know it does for me, even if I am not the most prosaic. 

[ForeverDad]

Selling the house - or not - is a minor issue compared to the implosion of the marriage and how the children are impacted.  It's quite possible she's using the potential sale to whip or guilt you.  Sadly, she knows that the most effective way to impact you is to attack, verbally, emotionally, perhaps even physically.

As for a move itself, it's no big deal.  (Okay, it is but I'm speaking in the long term, years later when looking back a move is not as big as you thought.)  Families move all the time, probably millions each year in the USA alone.  With a splitting family there are added complications of course, who will be residential parent, will the children change schools, etc, but in the final analysis a house is just a building, four walls and a roof and various conveniences, your home is where you live and what you make of it, wherever that happens to be.