Blow out over vacation with kids

[btechpc]

I told my gf today that I was going to take my kids on a vacation to hawaii in a month. It's due to the fact that i have been working a lot and they are hurting/adjusting to life with divorced parents. I explained to her that I would love if she could join us, but because of her drug use I worried that she would ruin it for us. The last vacation we went on (the two of us only) where she didn't have drugs ended up being a total gong show, with a 3 hr melt down.

She then started into me about how she doesn't trust me becAuse of all the women that real or imagined May be there. I responded with the fact that I would not care about any women and would be thinking of her the whole time. It degraded further I to her grabbing me and motioning to punch me, while she is yelling at me that she hates me and feels like I don't love her and only use her for sex. She also threatened me by saying she would find any woman who talked to me and 'gut' them. I said that seemed really harsh and that I thought it was overboard. She then said I was treating her like her past boyfriends. When I left she was crumpled in a ball on the floor like a kid having a tantrum, screaming and crying scratching at her skin. I said she was acting ridiculous like a child having a tantrum and I wasn't even going to talk to her until she calmed down and acted like an adult. She was screaming 'no' and 'why would you do this to me, you never loved me!'. I just hate trying to deal

With her when she's like this!

She not answering my texts right now, but I know she will call me a hundred times tonight apogizising and saying how stupid she is and that I'm the best thing ever in her life and how she always ruins everything that's good. I'm just feeling hurt that she would say all these things to me, even when I give her a lot of respect and nothing but trust on my part.

Is there a better way I could have approached the vacation thing? I'm totally at a loss.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Not really. This is something that will ALWAYS be an issue. The is my last major problem that I have with my gf. She has improved on many fronts, but this is not one of them. They interpret as abandonment and they build these fantasies in their head of how you will cheat on them. The best way is to mention something general as far out as you can and add more details as time goes buy. Get them used to it gradually. Just casually state some of what you said in your post. You feel you need to take the kids somewhere and you are thinking about it. Then the following week add a detail. No matter what you do though she will probably freak, but it may not result in a full melt down like you experienced.

When you do leave them they will normally "act out" in some way. I'm not sure if it is strictly for revenge or if they even realize they are doing it. Once I went out of town and my gf visited her exNPDbf that she had not seen in 5 years and supposedly was abusive and controlling while they were together. She had zero reason to see him. You can search some of my old posts and read about it. I am still very much hung up on that incident.

I have a ton more to say. I am also writing a response to your other post. I was in the middle of it yesterday when my gf came home. We have a lot in common and I hope I can provide some more insight for you.

[Clearmind]

SET is a good communication tool to use in times like this. However my friend, it escalated to epic proportions - at that stage its best to walk away and come back to the topic later with a simple "Honey, I won't talk to you while you are angry. I am going to walk away and we will talk about it when you calm down" - boundaries are a must when she is threatening violence. Don't be invalidating and come down to her level - its really not worth the angst and you are not showing her how you want to be treated because you are doing the same thing. I get it because its frustrating however one of you needs to exercise emotional maturity and know when to pull away.

Here is a link to SET: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and there is lots on the net too.

[btechpc]

Thanks for the info on this. I'm so torn by all the info here as I feel in my heart I do love her, but I think I need to make choice that is best for my kids as thats my job as a parent. I don't want to have them growing up thinking this is a normal way to have a relationship and become like her. I just need to make a plan in my head as how to do it.

Thanks again for the advice and insight.

B