Does it EVER work?

[JustDontKn0w]

My story... . pretty much the same as everyone else's... . which is both scary and reassuring that I am not the only one.  I've been in a 2 1/2 year relationship with my GF who has BPD (diagnosed).  It's been a tough deal and just does not seem to be getting any better.  At first, like everyone else, it was amazing and seemed too good to be true.  I had found "the one".  That lasted about 6 months tops.  The last 2 years have been a constant battle.  Battle, after battle, after battle.  For the first 1 1/2 years neither of us had any idea of what was going on.  It was always the other person.  Then one day together we stumbled upon a book on BPD and she found herself in it.  Surprisingly she has been very open to having BPD and has been seeking help.  Together we've attended couples counseling for months.  She sees a therapist who's helping her specifically with BPD.  She's on all kinds of meds that are suppose to help, which they have helped with the rage.  I've seen a counselor and am looking to start with someone new as I know I have my own world of issues to deal with.  We are both in recovery and active in AA.  We both work the steps in addition to all this other work.

Yet here I am... .

Things are not getting better.  They do for a day or two... . or three if we are lucky.  The only constant in our relationship is that we fight and eventually end up not talking for a while.  Right now it's going on day 3 of NC.  Three days ago things were "ok".  While on our way to go out with friends we were (well I was trying) to just have small talk with her.  As we were turning to their house (literally) she looks at me and says "I hate you" and starts crying.  I was shocked.  You hate me?  After all this ass kissing I've been doing and all this work I have been doing YOU HATE ME?  I've become so numb to it all I didn't even flinch.  I didn't even respond.  I just drove past our friends house and came home.  Didn't really say much on the way.  She let me know I was over reacting "after all the things I've said in the last 2 1/2 years" her telling me that was "nothing in comparison" (according to her and may be she's right).  After getting home I asked her to go home and went inside my house.  She sat outside for 30 minutes until I finally went out and asked her to leave.  She went insane... . and I mean INSANE... . I had to literally break free of her and run back into my house, locking the door behind me.  It was like a ravaging dog coming after me.  Luckily she left.  We haven't spoken or made contact with each other sense.

And this is how it is after ALL of this work.

I've lost hope.  I'm numb.  I don't care anymore.  The last 3 days have been PEACEFUL and I feel FINE... . I feel HAPPY.

DOES ANYONE EVER HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE PEOPLE?  EVER?  I've read and read and read about stories just like mine.  I NEVER see anyone posting about success... . does it even exist?

[maxsterling]

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I have the same issues. If someone could assure me that it would get better, even if it was slow progress, I'd probably move to the "Staying" board.  And when I go to read that board, it sounds like it is still a struggle, but amongst people who have made their mind up to keep trying.

But right now, I feel it is hopeless.  It sounds like you feel the same way.  I certainly know the "insane" times.  I've actually called the police before when it got bad.  I just see no way right now that I can last another 6 months, let alone years.  If there was just a small light at the end of the tunnel... .

[ForeverDad]

Success - or perhaps shifting from unmanageable to manageable - depends partly on you but mostly on whether your spouse will improve perceptions and behaviors.  Typically that means having a therapist or other qualified and perceptive professional guide your spouse to recovery.  (Therapy or counseling will be enlightening for you too, it's more than just learning coping skills.)

We all are imperfect, we all have things we can work on to improve ourselves.  But to a large extent the biggest question lies with the personality disordered person.  Is he or she over time improving significantly?  Promises mean nothing, actions or lack of them tell the real story.  Everything hinges on the answer to that question.  If your spouse is refusing therapy, if your spouse continues in Denial of the core issues, if your spouse is not on the path to at least some sufficient level of recovery, then... . :'(

You have a right to re-evaluate your circumstances and decisions.  "Staying" is not written in stone.  If Staying is that difficult for you, then try the concept "Staying for now".  Use your time in Staying to work on your communication skills, your coping skills, and improving and firming your boundaries, see how much that helps.  Then review your progress - or lack of it - and then ponder your prior decisions and options again.  The more education you have of the issues and options then you can make more informed and more confident decisions.

And you have the right to periodically review and adjust prior decisions.  Knowing that you have the power, authority and right to do that will help you to avoid feeling 'stuck' or 'powerless'.