Well God works in mysterious ways, and I feel strangely validated and redeemed tonight. I am a good mom and have endured a lot.
DD was kicked out of detox. They could not tolerate her behavior or get her to calm down. She felt disrespected by how they treated her MRSA (which is healing), she did not want to be there, she was most likely in that 2 day raging part of meth withdrawal that we have endured many times (though we were in denial about what it really was at the time). She has perseverance in her anger beyond anything imaginable.
What she told me -- she was hysterical and could not get herself to calm down. They kept doing or saying something else that set her off.
The validating part is that these professionals, trained to cope with really tough people, could not tolerate her either. I do not feel alone in this. Someone else has really seen this side of DD. They did not see this when she was there a few weeks ago. The staff person was in shock this morning about DD's intensity.
This also reinforces for me the boundaries we have in place. I was able, very calmly, able to restate the boundary about her not being at our house. She asked to spend the night there. For the first time I told her it was that gd cannot tolerate the men she invites over. And I know she is unable to not invite them over. She did not argue about this. It is a truth we both know.
She knows the most likely result is to be in jail when they find her. She talked to the women in the TRT program. She thinks she could do that, but there are no beds in that unit for 2 weeks. I turned her phone on so the PO can call her. She left her a message on my phone. I picked her up and dropped her off at motel. I paid for a week - cheaper than paying for detox bed. She asked me not to tell her PO. I said I do not know how I will respond if asked. I am an honest person and it is hard for me to tolerate lying in myself.
I feel good about this. No remorse, butterflies, distress. The consequences of her actions will fall on her shoulders. I feel like I was non-judgmental and honest.
I also now have a new escape fantasy. It would not be that costly to take myself away to a motel for a day or two -- swimming pool, massages, waffle breakfast, nice dinner, nice room with free internet. If she loses her freedom before check-out next Saturday maybe dh and I can stop by on Friday for a little anniversary celebration before we check out Geez - 38 years and still in love. Frisky too as long as we remember our daily pain meds.
She already has a guy in her room - he answered the room phone when I called about her cell phone. She told me his name. The new bf is now an ex - he was only there for the two weeks of the last motel. She knows she is being used. Well, maybe she is using them too. This is all out of my control - so is this radical acceptance or enabling? I really do not know the difference tonight.
qcr
