more threats

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

wouldn't be the first time he said he went to see a lawyer/ mediator. Got an email this am saying he had an appt. with a divorce attorney on friday. feel a combination of  :'( and "don't let the door hit ya".

trying not to buy what he's selling... . the blame shifting. he has snowed his T i think, he has also contacted my family and close friends and tried to lead them down the garden path. he even got my dad to believe him... . he is a very good salesman.

seeing his T tomorrow to talk about him, alone. so many bad feels right now.

[Seneca]

wouldn't be the first time he said he went to see a lawyer/ mediator. Got an email this am saying he had an appt. with a divorce attorney on friday. feel a combination of  :'( and "don't let the door hit ya".

trying not to buy what he's selling... . the blame shifting. he has snowed his T i think, he has also contacted my family and close friends and tried to lead them down the garden path. he even got my dad to believe him... . he is a very good salesman.

seeing his T tomorrow to talk about him, alone. so many bad feels right now.

[Waddams]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Time for strong boundaries.  Even with your family I think.  You have a right to set boundaries to protect yourself from his manipulations.  Even his manipulations through your family.  I alway recommend that people tell their family that the subject of drama with their partners is off limits and you won't be discussing it with them.  Especially when they are turning your family into negative advocates.  If they insist, then end the conversation.  It's your boundary and you have a right to hold it.

It's okay to feel sad about the marriage breaking up.  It's normal.  But it's also okay to step out of the drama, not buy the blame shifting, and tell him "see you in court".  Hold your boundaries with him too, and if it means he reacts by filing, that's his decision.

so many bad feels right now.

I know.  It's partially from his conditioning you to accept the blame shifting, though.  The more you break out of that, and the more assertive you become for yourself, it changes to lots of good, affirming feels.  It's a process, and you can get there, and you should regardless of if he files in response or not.

[MissyM]

I am so sorry, Seneca.  I was in the same shoes a month ago.  It is really scary when they are projecting and flailing around to do anything to stop their pain, and blame you at the same time.   For me, I am focusing on what I want.  I don't want divorce but a longer separation, so that I can get myself together and give him the chance to get himself together.  What is it you would like?  If you want to stay married, then voice that.  I think it is hard when we are undecided, the BPD looks to us to make the decisions and it freaks them out when we are undecided.  

Just wanted you to know you have been heard.  These kind of phases with a BPD are so hurtful.

[tiredndown]

For me, I am focusing on what I want.  I don't want divorce but a longer separation, so that I can get myself together and give him the chance to get himself together.

Fixed it for you MissyM - My only piece came from me focusing on mysef.

[tiredndown]

^ My only peace of mind came from me focusing on myself.

[MissyM]

True, my peace of mind comes from working on myself.  I will not stay with him if he doesn't use the time to do the work he agreed to.  That is a boundary.  That is why the next phase of our separation is to be us going to marital therapy and each talking about our own recovery and therapeutic work.  We can't move forward as a couple and do couples work without that.  That is why the center we went to has the separation structured this way.

[Seneca]

what  I want is to stay married for the benefit of our young children. However, I have put him (or rather, he put himself) in a bad situation here. I do not want to have an intimate rs with him any longer because I will not be his victim. The only way I see to get him to stop blaming me about his miserable life is for me to not be there for him to blame. However, our children adore him, and we are much better off, logistically/ financially, together. so MY choice for ME was to stay in the marriage, continue to be a good mama and housewife, not defame him publicly and put a good face on things, and be supportive from a distance. I'll hold the rope (listen to you when you want to speak, be empathetic, hug if absolutely necessary) while he pulls himself up... I won't become vulnerable to you anymore. Naturally, he hates this idea. I suppose, who wouldn't? But it is what I have to do. I cannot break the cycle of abuse by allowing him to continue in it.

He has seen a therapist 4 times and thinks they've got it all figure out - it's not his fault, it's just cause we have a communication problem    and he is saying that if i am not willing to "try again" after thirteen dang years of trying again and again and again, he will be forced to leave. well, I made my decision for me, but he has to make his decision for him... and if that's to go - then giddyup!

[tiredndown]

what  I want is to stay married for the benefit of our young children.

I thought this way as well for quite a while, until I realized that they are not learning what a truly loving family looks like.

[MissyM]

Sounds like he is really reacting to you setting a boundary.  Keep taking care of yourself, divorce from a BPD is really tough.  Mine and I divorced once and he went nuts!  I stupidly remarried him after drug rehab, thinking that was the cure.   The only way I was able to stop the divorce and crazy train this time was with a team of therapists.  I don't mind getting divorced but getting divorced while they are extremely disregulated is scary.  Hopefully, you will glean some advice from the T tomorrow.  They can be your ally in navigating this insanity, if they are any good.  Do you know much about this T? 

It is always mind blowing to me that divorce is usually their biggest fear (abandonment), yet they try to push it (fear). 

[Seneca]

Missy, all i hear about is how much my h loves the therapist... . hes great and personable and totally understands him. He has been dx with paranoia, anxiety, and social problems (cant behave properly, cant read peoples mood, facial expressions etc). Thats it so far after 4 visits. He takes that to mean he doesnt have BPD and i am making things up because i need an excuse to detach. Blaaaah. I have a feeling i am walking into a mine field tomorrow. He is a very good salesman.

[MissyM]

It can be a minefield, but my perception of you is that you are very intelligent and will be prepared.  Hold to what you know to be true and you will be fine and may be able to utilize the T for help.  If the therapist has already diagnosed him with all of these things, you know the T is aware there is something really wrong with him.  It really doesn't matter which personality disorder it is, some of the symptoms overlap.

Oh, my dBPDh is a master manipulator himself.  Working on myself and presenting myself authentically in T, totally took the wind out of my husband's sails.