feeling, used and abused yet guilty...

[giirl87]

After several recycles with my BPD BF, we have now mutually been NC for 3 weeks. I know me finally breaking the cycle is the right thing to do but, I was very mean when I did it. For 2 years i have tried to prove my love for him and of course no matter what I would have done it would have never been right or enough. He has threatened me with Harrassment orders thru every break up... . which were usually initiated by him. So, I was beyond fed up of the verbal and emotional abuse and I just let my feelings loose thru words to him... . very hurtful words. I am not one to intentionally hurt someone but I actually felt that I had to hurt him and I immediately felt guilty but have still maintained the NC... . as has he. I believe he is smearing me to his co workers of whom i occassionaly have to deal with. I know I absolutely should not make contact but I feel so guilty about my last conversation with him. Will he hate me forever?

[santa]

He might "hate" you... . or at least it will seem that way. It's called being painted black. They all do it. It's going to be like that regardless of whatever your last conversation was about though.

Eventually, he'll fall in love/idealize someone else and then after awhile paint them black and hate them too. That's just their cycle. What you actually did or didn't do to "deserve" it is irrelevant.

I recommend no contact. It'll make you feel better and you'll be able to separate from all the emotions of this and get on with your life more quickly. Any contact is just going to delay the inevitable and jerk your emotions around.

[UnLuckyLady]

Hey Giirl and welcome to the boards 

I can sympathize with you that it is an absolutely gut wrenching feeling to think that our exes HATE us... . after all we have been through together, all we have done and all we have endured.  I, too, feel tremendously guilty for cutting contact with my uexBPDbf.  I felt like I had abandoned him and added to his hurt.  The guilt alone was enough to have me curled up into a ball on several occasions.   Just awful.

Fast forward three months and now I am ANGRY.  The guilt has lifted and I am hoping for the same for you. Santa is right... . this WILL happen with the next person in our exes life.  For me, it doesn't take my pain away, but does relieve me to know it wasn't ME.  I/We did all we could do Giirl.  Please don't waste time beating yourself up.  Easy for me to say, I know.  But really... . the cycle happened before you, with you, and will waaay after you.  Please take a bit of comfort in that.  We have to to survive.   

ULL 

[RecycledNoMore]

Hiya giirl87, try not to be so hard on yourself

Its hard to stay composed inside the pressure cooker rs with a pwBPD, I  too have said many nasty things to the ex, usually after hours and hours of  circular arguments and being denied sleep.

If you are determined to break up with your ex, NC is a great idea, it can give you breathing room to sort out how to proceed with your life.

Dont be too sure that your ex has painted you black forever,when he has a need for you he may try to recycle you again.

You must ask yourself though, Is this what you want? Think about all the crap you have been through in your rs, unless your ex gets help which could be a long and arduous process with no guarantees,the craptastical rollercoaster will continue on and on.

I have been through many recycles in my 8 yr rs

( hence the name

The highs and inevitable lows can become addictive... . and ultimately damaging, devastating.

Think about what you want and stick to your guns.

[Ironmanrises]

Just know the "hate" phase doesnt last forever. It is part of the scripted behavior set in a loop. It wont take away the pain, i know. Hang in there.

[dansure]

I can totally relate. It was really tough for me to deal with the fact that she HATES me that much. I never understood why.

Now I don't give a sh** why she hates me. I know that I didn't do anything to deserve it.

Believe me at some point you stop caring about that. She go NC for a while. I have been there, believe me.

[giirl87]

We have to be over for good this time... . For both my emotional and physical well being.  Looking back on the last two years I realize that I was not in love with him as much as I was in love with the idea of him and I now know he felt neither of those things.  No matter what I did it wasn't good enough.  If I agreed with him I was stupid,  if I disagreed I was stupid.  I know it is a no win situation.  I also realize that we cannot be friends. He is just not capable... . But after two years of everyday(give it take the days of silent treatment I got from him) it is hard to let go.  I know he has split me and that is what hurts the most because I did nothing to deserve the treatment I got from him.

I am positive he was at least talking to other women on dating sites while with me so I have to assume he had cheated on me.  He dated married women and admitted to being a serial dater.  I lost out financially with him, borrowed him thousands of dollars which I know I will never get back,  I bought groceries for him and his son,  I did so much for him and realized 3weeks ago when I broke up with him that I got absolutely nothing in return.  I know that I need to remain NC especially because he will try and get an RO against me, he has done it to previous girlfriends but it's hard because I know for him out of sight is out of thought while I'm struggling to understand and have some empathy for his illness while trying to heal from the verbal and emotional abuse I endured. I am determined to remain NC.  I know I deserve so much better.  I have so much love, affection and attention to give to the right guy. I'm just devastated that I allowed myself to go thru 2 years of bulls#$t he with him.  I was in a physically abusive relationship prior to him so I saw the red flags,  I was just so taken aback by the initial affection and attention and how he just seemed to just really need me... . I chose to ignore my own gut feeling.  I'm hoping he just remains NC long enough for me to get my personal strength and self confidence back that I don't respond to him. I can see the manipulation and the crying wolf now.  The thing is, when I broke up with him we were not in a fight,  something he said just triggered my mind into knowing I need to end things with him for good.  Closure or not I know what I have to do. Right now it would be hard to not respond to him.

[giirl87]

I apologize for rambling, it just feels so good to have people who understand what I'm feeling to talk to.  Thank you all for your supportive responses.  They are appreciated more than I can say.

[CoasterRider]

When I look back I vividly remember the pain and hurt in his eyes they first time I told him to pack his ___ and get out. We all do and say some terrible things when we are loosing grip on that last bit of rope. The fact you feel guilty about it speaks to your true character. I dont believe we should be judged by our bad decisions in the moment, we should be judged on how we feel about them afterwords. Once the smoke has cleared from a timultuous and rapidly evolving situation were we respond out of pure emotions and defense. What is it that we feel or do to make it right?

They will hate us for whatever it was we did wrong, whether its telling him off or something we did a year ago. They will find some spec of black pain to put on their brush. I wouldnt feel too bad for making it easier for him. The devaluing and smere campaign was going to occur anyway.

[giirl87]

The devaluing I expected but he hasn't done a smear campaign before so it caught me off guard.  I'm hoping that means he thinks I am just such a crappy person that he will never contact me again.  Luckily I don't work with him directly.  We work at the same place and occasionally our paths cross but I never have to deal with him on a professional level, I just may have to work in his area.  Last week he actually left the area and told his Co worker that he was going to take his break somewhere else while the bi#@he was working there and then he said, "if she says anything at all to you let me know because I will go get an RO right now. " Seriously,  what is up with them and getting authorities involved?  That was a constant threat from him. 

[giirl87]

To: RecycledNOmore,

So,  after 8 years what was the final straw for you?  Believe me,  I am in no way thinking of ever getting back into a so with him.  He will remain untreated because he sees nothing wrong with himself,  everyone else the messed up ones.  I know for me I kept going back because of his sincerity each time but I really can't pinpoint what finally just made me dry to myself that's it,  I can't emotionally or physically do this anymore.  We were not in a fight or anything,  he literally just said something that was negative and that was it... . I want to be prepared if he ever breaks the NC and I can honestly say that right now I feel guilty about the things did to him that I don't know if I am prepared.  This is the longest we have gone without contact. So,  I'm just curious what has given you the cottage to say no more after so many years.

[winston72]

Hey Giirl!  Thank you for your posts.  Your posts are not a ramble!  It sounds like the many pieces of the puzzle that is a BPD relationship are finally coming together for you and some claret is emerging, as hard as it might be to realize.

I would like to suggest this article to you.  The portion entitled, "Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck" has been particularly helpful for me... . and many others.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

As you grow more and more in touch with your own feelings and needs and feel confident in your ability to protect and nurture those feelings and needs, you will be much less vulnerable to your ex and others like him.  This is really the pathway forward.

As to feeling so guilty about your last conversation with him... . forgive yourself!  I don't know the content of it, but from my own experience and so many others on this site, there seems to be a big disconnect between the level of responsibility we take ourselves, and how we hold our ex's accountable.  There is a big double standard, and it is weighted against us!  Have mercy on yourself!

[RecycledNoMore]

To: RecycledNOmore,

So,  after 8 years what was the final straw for you?  Believe me,  I am in no way thinking of ever getting back into a so with him.  He will remain untreated because he sees nothing wrong with himself,  everyone else the messed up ones.  I know for me I kept going back because of his sincerity each time but I really can't pinpoint what finally just made me dry to myself that's it,  I can't emotionally or physically do this anymore.  We were not in a fight or anything,  he literally just said something that was negative and that was it... . I want to be prepared if he ever breaks the NC and I can honestly say that right now I feel guilty about the things did to him that I don't know if I am prepared.  This is the longest we have gone without contact. So,  I'm just curious what has given you the cottage to say no more after so many years.

Hi giirl, truth is

I just didnt belive him anymore

I didnt know about BPD til a few months before the end... .

His behavior became repetitive,predictable

Rages, physical/ verbal assualt,sincere apology,promises of change... .

Back into the rs, repeat cycle.

I had to change the ending.

Rage,assault STOP

Restraining order

He was never served with it bc he skipped town the day I got it.

After 5 mnths he contacted last week,I responded, justified Argued Defended Explained my position

Utterly pointless, hes still the same

But I am different.

You are doing a good thing, preparing yourself for contact

Remember this giirl87 and please dont think im trying to hurt you or be harsh... .

He wont be contacting giirl87

You could be anyone, anyone who gives him the attention he NEEDS.

If you dont respond, he will try the next girl on his list... .

I think your doing amazingly well

Peace