Mediation on the 10th. Don't know what to expect.

[oblivian2013]

Just got notice last week that mediation is on Monday Feb. 10th.

Asked my lawyer what to do to prepare and what to expect.

She said that we are going to try to settle so we don't have to go to final hearing and that we will talk Friday the 7th.

Before she said I might have to take out a home equity loan to get my cluster-B wife off the deed.

Unfortunately, I am still unemployed and really can't afford a loan.

She also said that it was my mistake for putting her on the deed.

I purchased the house for 45K using part of my inheritance money.

Most of that is gone now.

In this state inheritance isn't marital property, but since I put her on the deed, I am screwed.

My wife took an inventory of everything in the house before she abandoned me last summer, but since most of that was also paid for with  inheritance money, it is considered non-marital. She even inflated the value of almost everything else, like a corner cupboard I pick up on the side of the road, she has listed at $125.

A china set I got at a thrift shop for $10, she has listed at $110.

She never told her free lawyer about the inheritance, so her lawyer assumed we had a mortgage.

My lawyer asked her lawyer to ask my wife what she wanted.

I had offered her the $10K car she absconded with, as well as two computers she took in my counter-offer.

She refused. We also asked her to remove the frivolous protection order she filed against me, which she refused also.

I purchased the house with two bedrooms for her kids (they never had their own rooms before) and so that she would have a place to call home.

But she never contributed anything towards the expenses, except a few electric bills the first year we were here in 2012.

We were only married for 2 years and 4 months before she took off. We were together a year before that before we got married.

I don't know why I didn't get a prenuptial agreement. I guess because I was naive. I was blinded by love at the time.

My case manager said that I can always say no to whatever happens at mediation.

But, I have never been through this before and don't know what to expect.

My lawyer is very good, but I really don't think I owe my wife anything.

She had three years of basically expense free living, two years for her kids, until they went back to live with their dad.

I asked my therapist why she hates me so much.

He said she doesn't hate me, she hates herself because she lost the kids but I am the one she blames.

That doesn't make me feel any better.

Guess I have learned an expensive lesson for being a rescuer. And it still isn't over yet.

[ForeverDad]

Mediation takes two to agree.  That's why you can always say "No" to anything you don't agree with.  It's possible the mediator will be inexperienced, notice that you're the reasonable spouse and she's the inflexible unreasonable spouse and so the mediator may look to you to always give in.  That's not right, so beware of pressure of that sort.

Remember, this is all about money.  Money is a straightforward issue.  Unless you're dealing with an unreasonable disordered spouse.  Still, it will be much simpler than sorting out than if you also had custody issues.

Frankly, she will see any concessions you make in mediation as weakness and try to get more.  Setting firm boundaries of what is nonnegotiable may help stop her from demanding more and more and then even more.  In general, as long as you keep giving in, she will keep asking for more.

For example, ponder this... . You've offered to let her keep the $10K car, but half is yours.  That should STILL be on the table for negotiation, so are the computers, if she didn't accept the prior offers.  Yes, she'll call you some mean words but frankly, unless there is some reason why not to do a total restart, isn't literally everything up for negotiation in mediation, including cars, computers, etc?

[livednlearned]

Write down what you think is fair, based on what your lawyer says is reasonable.

Take that and double it -- that's what you ask for. Aim high.

In mediation, negotiate back down toward what you think is fair.

A lot of people make the mistake of negotiating with themselves before hearing what the other side is even considering.

People also make the mistake of going in with a reasonable offer, and have no margin with which to negotiate.

Mediation can also be stressful and there will be pressure from the lawyers and mediator to get you to settle. Decide before you go in what you will not accept. Decide what you will accept. And decide what is a complete and total stunning win. Maybe even write a note to yourself -- "Oblivian, this is what you deserve, what is reasonable, and what you should accept. Don't accept an offer where she gets x. Accept an offer where you get y."

Ideally, you want mediation to be like a business meeting. But it can get very emotionally charged because nons like us tend to be fairly passive, overly reasonable and people pleasers. In mediation, you are going to have four people who want you to do what they say. And what's confusing is that they won't overtly act that way, but that's kinda what happens in mediation. Lawyers pride themselves on settling. Mediators too. They tout statistics about how well they can get people to settle out of court.

You want to make a good decision when your emotions are running hot or scared, so do your best thinking now and come up with a strategy to make sure you don't lose your way in mediation.

Last, find out if it will be the five of you in a room together, or if it will be you and your lawyer in one room, and the mediator going back and forth between another room where your ex and her lawyer are. Maybe you can request what you want, if you prefer that she is not in the room with you. My lawyer suggested it -- she thought it would be better for me to respond directly to N/BPDx's allegations and lies. But at the final hour, she said we were to high-conflict and thought it would be better for me if I didn't have to be in the same room with him. I think she was right. Even being in a room by myself was intense. The downside of that is the mediator watered down everything that N/BPDx was saying to the point I had a hard time understanding what she was even saying.