How do you detach?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm struggeling to forget it and her and give it peace in mind.

After a short but intense relationship she dumped me 2 years ago, but keeps contacting me every 2 weeks more or less and usually i reply short and without emotion and try to not let it in.

I dont take any initiative anymore to try to understand her and her drama as i did in the aftermath of the break-up. I never got closure and her messages for me are still written in a way to try to keep me at the sidewalk while she flirts with others and recently moved in with her new lover. I finally understand the pattern in it and the cycles she rides. My silence is my way to move on and to step out of this unhealthy rollercoaster. I dont want a relationship anymore with her and i know it would make me more unhappy in the future if there was another chance. But my biggest struggle now is to forget her. I still wonder what she is doing. I still picture her beside me. It makes me angry i still dream of a good time with her. Is time and patience the only thing i should hold on to and the only closure i will ever get is to cut the lines virtually?

I've read many similar stories here and they are a big support eventhou many good people struggle which is so unfair. I'm getting stronger every day, and find it easier every day to resist to take initiative to her. But my mind still spins with her... .

[icecream]

I'm struggeling to forget it and her and give it peace in mind.

After a short but intense relationship she dumped me 2 years ago, but keeps contacting me every 2 weeks more or less and usually i reply short and without emotion and try to not let it in.

I dont take any initiative anymore to try to understand her and her drama as i did in the aftermath of the break-up. I never got closure and her messages for me are still written in a way to try to keep me at the sidewalk while she flirts with others and recently moved in with her new lover. I finally understand the pattern in it and the cycles she rides. My silence is my way to move on and to step out of this unhealthy rollercoaster. I dont want a relationship anymore with her and i know it would make me more unhappy in the future if there was another chance. But my biggest struggle now is to forget her. I still wonder what she is doing. I still picture her beside me. It makes me angry i still dream of a good time with her. Is time and patience the only thing i should hold on to and the only closure i will ever get is to cut the lines virtually?

I've read many similar stories here and they are a big support eventhou many good people struggle which is so unfair. I'm getting stronger every day, and find it easier every day to resist to take initiative to her. But my mind still spins with her... .

[bpdspell]

Is time and patience the only thing i should hold on to and the only closure i will ever get is to cut the lines virtually?

Hey Ice Cream,

Are you seeing a T?

Sometimes our ability to move on from these toxic bonds requires a deeper exploration of why you are still bonded to this person even after two years.

But to answer your question time and patience usually cause the intense pain we initially feel to subside but that is not detaching. Detaching is the process of letting go of the belief that this sick person holds the magic keys to your happiness. It means that this person is sick; not only for you but for the next man….and the next. Have you accepted that although your ex may "look" normal on the outside that she's "wired differently" on the inside?

Detaching is a process unique to the person involved but for me it was surrendering the hope that this person would come back and rescue me.  That my ex could fix things by making amends, sticking to his apologies, and rescuing me with his love. The fantasies that I desperately clung to were the same fantasies that kept me imprisoned and stuck because then I'd really have to face myself and it's something I really did not want to have to do.

I was so desperate to be valued, needed and loved in my ex's eyes that I couldn't accept how scrambled & psychotic his brain really was. I was damaged too. I had very unreasonable expectations for a mentally ill man to don a superhero cape on and carry whisk me away on his white horse.

So how do you detach? Lot's of self-exploration. A good therapist helps. Self-help books help. Posting on here invaluable. Going complete no contact stops the direct triggering. Each contact from her is like adding poison to a festering wound. And taking better care of yourself with patience, kindness and self-forgiveness.

Spell

[seeking balance]

  icecream!

So how do you detach? Lot's of self-exploration. A good therapist helps. Self-help books help. Posting on here invaluable. Going complete no contact stops the direct triggering. Each contact from her is like adding poison to a festering wound. And taking better care of yourself with patience, kindness and self-forgiveness.

I could not agree more 

3 T's - Time, Tears, Therapy



icecream - when you get the message every couple weeks - can you identify the emotion you feel?

[icecream]

Thank you Spell and seeking balance.

No, havent seen a therapist yet. I might do that and am open once i trust someone who is a proffesional or a good friend.

Her and I started off virtually through a dating site. Had a few months of intense communication before we met because we live long distance. We felt in love this way. Brainconnection which blew my mind. When meeting first it was magical. Short after she started to change, far more different then the soul i felt in love with which was the trigger to try to find this soul back while she was depressed and pushing me away, pull me back, disappear in silence according to her rules... . But while our break-up was happening she was already looking for replacement. She told me once: "i dont know how to handle love which i felt with you but thats why i need to push you away" but never completely let me go.

Self exploration is continious, and i do understand how i somehow got into this situation with a person who isnt capable of building a relationship but seeking for it constantly. And perhaps i've should have walked away much sooner. But i'm allowed to be not perfect either but am respectfull in my connections... .

Tears, time and therapy... . and the hope to wake up one morning and to realize its over would be awesome.

The emotion i feel when getting a message from her is so mixed. Curious i am for sure.

She is thinking of me... . but why? Reading it over a few times usually to clearly read it correct, usually i wait a while to think of the best way to reply without failing to my own bounderies and not getting emotional, but she is my weak spot to start mindspinning more... .

[seeking balance]

The emotion i feel when getting a message from her is so mixed. Curious i am for sure.

She is thinking of me... . but why? Reading it over a few times usually to clearly read it correct, usually i wait a while to think of the best way to reply without failing to my own bounderies and not getting emotional, but she is my weak spot to start mindspinning more... .

Dig deep here - curious about HER is not really your emotion... . knowing yourself is the key to detaching.

A qualified T is one of the best gifts one can give oneself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi icecream (I'm going to assume you're sweet but not cold)

Instead of hoping she and the memories will go away, better to take control of them:

Stop all communication with her and block her attempts.

Shift the focus from her to you.

Shift the focus from the past to the future.

Shift the focus from getting external validation and compassion to creating your own internal validation and compassion.

Take care of you!

[Johnny Alias]

With respect... . why are you even speaking to her anymore?  If you're in full No Contact you block every method she has of contacting you.  In this day and age you can block texts, phone calls, email, block her on facebook, etc.  Tell mutual friends you don't want to hear about her.  Go ghost.  

You'll never detach if you keep holding onto the hope that she is going to miraculously change.  Shes been like this for the vast majority of her life.  You didn't cause it and you cannot fix it.  

Just my opinion but you can't let go if you stay in touch.  It will not happen in 10 years if you keep doing that.  Even if you meet someone new you'll think of her.  

Let her go for your own sake and start living again... .

[icecream]

Thanks for your good advices.

Its from this good and experienced people here who probably know exactly how it feels who gives the best advices.

So yes, i believe and hope while letting go in checking in or replying will lead to mental detachment.

Did it worked this way for you?

Why i'm responding? She made me feel alive during our romance. It was, seemed so beautiful and perfect and i let my guards turn blind when being in love. When her confusion, depression, push and pull, lies, manupilations started to light up i got focussed on how and why i missed that and somehow maybe hoping my intuition was wrong and hoping she would turn to the one again i felt for... . which will not happen.

The long distance, confussed signals online and offline got me hooked.

Her current messages gives me stress. Cant put a finger on one emotion because their are many happening at once. But no happiness anymore... . Letting my emotions in the moment i get one will make me feels worse afterall so i try to turn cold.

Icecream, ,... creamy en sweet for my friends

[fromheeltoheal]

Why i'm responding? She made me feel alive during our romance. It was, seemed so beautiful and perfect and i let my guards turn blind when being in love.

Which implies you feel dead without her.  It has nothing to do with her.  You MUST find ways to feel alive on your own, get some help with that if you can't do it yourself.  Once you create your own aliveness she will no longer matter.

[myself]

i reply short and without emotion and try to not let it in.

Doesn't sound like very friendly communication. Why hang on or be hung onto?

Are you hoping for a recycle? Will it hurt less to stay or let go?

Have you looked into the 10 Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck? They are listed here on the site, easily found. They could be of some use to you, helping you understand her, and yourself. How to detach if that's the best way for you to go.

[icecream]

@fromheeltoheal, yes... it might be the key. Once finding a new intrest might lead to not thinking about her anymore. Sounds wonderful the moment she doesnt matter! Will work on that. Thanks

@myself, i replied warm, caring, loving, supporting, funny, gave the best of myself in the past to her messages or initiatives... and where did it lead me Nowhere... . besides the fact i can stick around when her needs need to be met and meanwhile i have to watch her rollercoast with others. I agreed on trying to be friends after being lovers and perhaps that was a big mistake... . because once realizing the rules in friendships are different with BPD's and non's a lot for hurt happend already... .

And there is the biggest challence. Does it hurt more to stay at the sidewalk or to cut all lines? I couldnt do the cut so far... .

[icecream]

What also made it very hard to turn in No contact mode was because:

-i never got closure on the reason why she dumped me

-after the break up 2 years ago i still recieve mixed signals of her to keep me hooked (like sending she misses me every now and then)

-i started looking for answers online because she closes of the moment a conversation can come to closure or truth, by digging in in her friends and lovers pics and stuff i came across a lot of lies, which gave me a lot of answers, and that addiction to search is hard to let go because uncontiously i want her to admit the lies... which would be a sign of respect to be honest to me you know... .

Achieving that would be a big relieve ... . thats what i long for! And assuming will never get... . thats the hardest thing to let go of... no closure

[babyducks]

Ice Cream,

You could try changing your own self talk when you think of her.

When a thought of her pops into your head say, aloud if possible, go away 'name'.

Automatic negative thoughts might have you temporarily stuck.

Ducks