will husband/can husband dump parenting coordinator?

[momtara]

So it's been nearly 2 months since my divorce became final.  Still waking up every morning feeling bad.  I thought it would go away by now.  But I still walk on eggshells (as many of us do).  I think things will improve eventually.  I don't know.  I also feel lonely, I am surrounded by normal families who go away every weekend with their husbands and little kids and hang out with relatives in their vacation homes.  My kids are very small, and they are missing out on SO much by not having a dad in the house to support and love them.  I look at friends who whine about minor stuff with their husbands, or babysitters costing too much, or whatever, and I feel like they don't realize they're in heaven because they have a non-sick spouse to share responsibilities and joy with.  Just having that would be such a big difference.  It may never happen - I'm in my mid 40s and can't even imagine when I'd be emotionally ready to date.  But I know I have to look at the things I *do* have - primary custody of two great kids, for one.  Enough whining.

This week we went to a parenting coordinator for the first time.  She was helpful and very good, but she sided with me a LOT.  (Of course, I was right, ha ha, but it was a big difference from our namby pamby marriage counselor. The downside being, we did not name her in our divorce settlement - it just says we have to choose *a* parenting coordinator - and now I worry he will dump her because she was SO far on my side.)  We had a good session with her and my husband seemed fine.  Then the next day we got her email summary of what we talked about.  We are both supposed to respond that we got it, and mention any concerns we have. 

My husband didn't respond to her, and instead told me he was going to have his lawyer respond.

Uh oh.

Don't know if he now wants to dump her, or just will ignore her.

It was hard to find the right PC for us, and a decently priced one. 

If he dumps her, my only real option is to go to court, or to pick another one (which just plays into his ability to control and thwart me), or just let things sit for now and feel good that if an issue arises with the kids, he'll look bad for dumping her or not agreeing to a PC like our court document said.

I'm so so nervous that he's going to dump her.  Not that she was a cure-all anyway.  I think he gets angry when triggered, and makes life difficult.  I thought she would help us get past some things, and she already helped in the first visit with deciding something about our kids that was helpful.  I really hope he sticks with this.

(He signed an agreement when in her office, as did I).  He also laughed and said, ":)r. hit, you're hired."  But sometimes things grate on his mind later, and he reverses himself.

What should I do if his lawyer letter says he is not interested in working with her any longer?

[Waddams]

You can only put your kids first and fight for them.  Also, I would try to focus my side on not necessarily whether she sides with you or not, but instead try to direct the focus towards siding with the kids.  With some practice, you and any parenting coordinator you end up with can start learning how to frame your discussions in a way that isn't perceived as adversarial to your xBPDh.  You might even be able to frame things so that when he's doing what's best for the kids, he's on the receiving end of some idealization/being up on a pedestal.  You can also learn ways to plant seeds that grow so that things that are best for the kids become "his ideas".  BPD's eat that up.  Maybe he'll start coming 'round once he gets a taste of good attention and validation that he's a good guy for doing so. 

Just a thought.  I've gotten pretty good at it with uPDxw.  For the most part, she still goes right back into dyregulated mode as soon as she doesn't get her way, but it's nice to know i have tools and skills now that make dealing with her easier.

[Free One]

So it's been nearly 2 months since my divorce became final.  Still waking up every morning feeling bad.  I thought it would go away by now.  But I still walk on eggshells (as many of us do).  I think things will improve eventually.  I don't know.  I also feel lonely, I am surrounded by normal families who go away every weekend with their husbands and little kids and hang out with relatives in their vacation homes.  My kids are very small, and they are missing out on SO much by not having a dad in the house to support and love them.  I look at friends who whine about minor stuff with their husbands, or babysitters costing too much, or whatever, and I feel like they don't realize they're in heaven because they have a non-sick spouse to share responsibilities and joy with.  Just having that would be such a big difference.  It may never happen - I'm in my mid 40s and can't even imagine when I'd be emotionally ready to date.  But I know I have to look at the things I *do* have - primary custody of two great kids, for one.  Enough whining.

I understand exactly how you feel. I had many of these same thoughts and feelings (and still do on occasion). It's a grieving process, and there are a lot of losses to grieve. They will come up suddenly and sometimes be obvious and sometimes things you never considered. It just takes time to work through it. I have started to feel much better now that I am two years out. I feel like I'm through the bulk of the grieving.

My husband didn't respond to her, and instead told me he was going to have his lawyer respond.

What should I do if his lawyer letter says he is not interested in working with her any longer?

It seems predictable that he wouldn't want to be *controlled* by having to respond when asked too. He may be trying to intimidate. Did he email you that he was not going to respond? If so, forward that to the coordinator as his response.

As far as what to do if he wants to switch, I would try to not worry about (I know, seems impossible) until the time comes, if it comes. Just because your ex wants to use a lawyer for whatever game he's playing, it doesn't mean the lawyer will automatically do it.

[momtara]

I think I should have played the game a little better and said how good it was that he was a concerned father.  Drat.  Anyway, he probably really didn't contact his lawyer.  I'll just wait him out for a few days and let him calm down and see what happens.

I will update the situation here, because knowing I can spout off about it makes me feel a little better.

Thanks to both of you for reading that whole long thing and responding!