Major crunch time

[Tyrwhitt]

It's been a while since I've posted and I've been managing my responses so much better for reading this website, have a clearer understanding of the mechanisms and generally, have disengaged which has helped us toddle along.

My uBPDh has had some difficult issues involving a social club, too long to go into, but it's involving another person who he perceives has 'got away with it' - including assaulting my H with a stick (the police weren't interested).  Having listened to everything, it is a bad situation but the light at the end of the tunnel as the club is being taken over (today) and the new partnership will allow my H back in.  The other person in question (who I highly suspect is on the extreme end of BPD, looking at his behaviours of control and rejection) is leaving and likely to leave the area.

But this isn't enough for my H.  As his mood kicks down (it cycles), he gets angry and wants to run.  So he told me to get the estate agents in and put the house up for sale.  I ignored the comment, two days later, after he'd been going through paperwork related to the club, he said when was I going to get the estate agents in.  Now, at this point boundaries come to mind.  A friend said that if I say no, he'll feel more trapped and become aggressive and more determined.  However, if I went along, he'd become more insistent and keep going on until I get valuations.  I don't want to run.  I'm happy here, have made good friends, a life and about to start a business. 

I said that I didn't want to move and all the rages and backlashes that I read so much on this forum came at me.  I said that I didn't want to argue but I didn't want to move.  Next step was we would be getting the solicitors involved if that was what I wanted (em, no!).  My dad (who's elderly and recovering from a fractured ankle) was staying with us and he told me to take my dad home as we had 'things to discuss'.  Unfortunately, rather than put my dad through more difficult behaviours, I complied but also felt angry about doing so.  My dad's ankle is no longer painful but he is still in plaster for another 3 weeks.  He felt he could manage at home with the wheelchair and off we went. 

When I returned, I was annoyed, and there was no conversation.  He got a call to go and play bowls (it's his main hobby and social outlet) and off he went.  He's generally awake most of the night and asleep most of the day, this has been his pattern for months and months.  So, he's still asleep!

I know that there will be more raging at me and fear of abandonment.  I'm not abandoning him, I'm merely not prepared to run.  But he feels trapped and badly so.  I'm conscious that anger can become a problem and feel that in any future discussions, I should say that I don't want to run away, that I'm happy here and want us to stay here, but if he needs a break to figure out what he wants, that's also fine.  How would you approach it?

[Seneca]

Let him move if he'd like to, and tell him you are staying. Everyone has to make their own choices in life, you choose to stay and live here, if he doesnt like it, he can just go himself. This is what will happen:

He will wig the hell out. He will thrash and flail and do whatever he normally would times ten. You stand your ground, protect yourself, get out, call for help etc, but stand your ground. If you dont want to move, dont move. After his tantrums, there will be threats. After the threats, eventually there will be resignation and he'll come back around. People with BPD literally can almost never leave. The only way they will is if they have someone else lined up. Now, this is not carte blanche to be evil and do whatever you want, but it does give you permission to do whats best for you, while not stepping on their rights.

This course of action will be really hard because he will try to "make you pay for it". But the way I figure it, they are always making you pay for crap you never did anyway, so you might as well be punished for standing up for your wishes.

This is not what they'd say on the staying forum probably. They'd want you to validate and distract and skirt the issues to buy yourself time. I think when you are on the undecided forum, things get to be run a bit differently. Generally i view people here as those who are trying to make the best of a bad situation while their lives are in flux, but who are not willing to lie down on the train tracks for their spouse. I try to strike a balance. I do things and assert myself on issues that i know will make my h nuts... . but i spent so many years not doing what i wanted out of fear, that i am friggin tired of it now. So i do what i want, but try to be as gentle about that as possible, and leave the bad feelings these bring up for him to deal with. Ie. if i feel like going out, i will go out. I will not deny myself because he'll dysregulate, nor do i ask permission. However i do give him lots of notice, leave a schedule of events, check in if he asks, and tell him about it when i'm home.

You stand up for yourself and tell him what you want. No one can walk on you without your permission.

[Tyrwhitt]

Thanks Seneca, I think there's a cycle to go through. He's slept all day again.  My dad said the saddest part for him was my H saying he was going out for a walk and to make sure he was gone when he got back. My dad hadn't done anything wrong, just collateral damage in his train ride.  Of course, my H will only see himself and his needs not that of an 86 yr old.

The other thing was we're due to pay for an expensive holiday in three days time. I'm tempted that unless I can line up a friend if he bails on me, to cancel it.  I daresay if I cancel and the mood cycles up, I'll be wrong again, but it's a lot to take a gamble on.

[Katy-Did]

Tyrwhitt:

I'd like to 2nd several of Seneca's comments:

I try to strike a balance. I do things and assert myself... . try to be as gentle about that as possible, and leave the bad feelings these bring up for him to deal with. However i do give him lots of notice, leave a schedule of events, check in if he asks, and tell him about it when i'm home.

I, myself, started on the "Staying" board but now I "float" around from board-to-board trying to glean as many perspectives as I can and apply it to my own situation.

For a long time I looked for strategies that would "fix" my husband; like a do-it-yourself manual, but I was gravely disappointed.  I firmly believe it's about us as much as it is about them which necessitates some tough... . hard... . challenging choices.  I needed to adjust my focus and start examining myself as much, if not more than analyzing my husband, family, friends.  Scary and at times, unnerving.  I had to admit some things to myself that were extremely difficult to face.

In my situation, establishing firm boundaries in a respectful manner had the most benefit for all involved; myself included.  I realized I don't have a lot of "lines in the sand" but the few I do have protect my integrity, safety and promote self-esteem and personal growth.  I find this to be extremely challenging because of my own insecurities and personality.  Once I established limits on what I was willing/unwilling to "endure" then consistency was a key. Whatever "pitch" was thrown at me--curve, slider, change-up... . etc., I knew I had to hold my ground until the gaslighting, flea-flicking, dysregulation, blame-game subsided... . and fortunately, for me---it did.  I know from reading the various boards, this is not always the case.

I had to learn we are not responsible for their choices; only our own.  If your husband decides to bail out on a planned holiday or even move out because he doesn't like the surroundings, can you let him go?  Can you go ahead w/your plans... . anyway?  Can you stay in your home... . despite his leaving?  It's hard... . and scary.

[Tyrwhitt]

I think a lot of letting go for me is there, I keep reminding myself that I have myself and I can't make him happy; for him, I'm a pawn. Letting that responsibility go is liberating.  I find face to face difficult, I'm not especially confrontational and right now he looks terse and I want to back off.

Financially, I don't have enough to buy him out and no income as starting a new business. But it could be possible if I think laterally.

If he wants to run permanently, I think I'd go through with it. He's looking at campervans tonight and last year he looked at these. He often wants to run, it's a regular thing, but we've never got to this stage.  For me, I'm seeking out friends who reassure me that I'm not responsible for his actions and 20 years of trying to fix our marriage and live the roller coaster is long enough. And that I have a right to some peace. Letting go is very hard. If we stay together, I still feel I'll be letting go.