when to talk to children about BPD being a mental health issue

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 I have been advised to put this on this board - what do those who have been through this feel? My gd is now 11 and for the most part is doing reasonably well.  Her mother is BPD and Unfortunately my gd does not feel she cannot tell her mother about any activity she does with her father as it triggers a rage of major proportions in her mother.  It is sad that she has had to learn this and she is now refusing some social engagements in case her mother finds out and gets angry. The mantra is always that it's not fair that gd has all the fun with her father even though BPD mother makes little effort to have fun times with her daughter.  My son, father of gd, and gd have decided not to take the therapy road at the moment and I have to say he is very good at talking with gd. I don't totally agree with this but she is not my child. My question is whether there's a right time and age to start a conversation with a child about mental health issues. She has read why mommy gets angry with her dad. My gut feeling is she is a bit young and may not understand the whole mental health issue but would be interested in what others think. I would hate her to get older and think no one cared or understood.

[mother in law]

 I have been advised to put this on this board - what do those who have been through this feel? My gd is now 11 and for the most part is doing reasonably well.  Her mother is BPD and Unfortunately my gd does not feel she cannot tell her mother about any activity she does with her father as it triggers a rage of major proportions in her mother.  It is sad that she has had to learn this and she is now refusing some social engagements in case her mother finds out and gets angry. The mantra is always that it's not fair that gd has all the fun with her father even though BPD mother makes little effort to have fun times with her daughter.  My son, father of gd, and gd have decided not to take the therapy road at the moment and I have to say he is very good at talking with gd. I don't totally agree with this but she is not my child. My question is whether there's a right time and age to start a conversation with a child about mental health issues. She has read why mommy gets angry with her dad. My gut feeling is she is a bit young and may not understand the whole mental health issue but would be interested in what others think. I would hate her to get older and think no one cared or understood.

[pilgrim]

Is mom diagnosed BPD?

[mother in law]

We don't know whether she was diagnosed BPD she was seen by a psychiatrist after an overdose and he  labeled her abusive but as is said they are Masters of deception and she didn't tell the full story of her relationship with her parents ie Her abuse towards them also so I suspect not.  She does however have most of the sign s of BPD. My gd had started to talk to get dad and I and I feel one day we will have to explain why her mother behaves in such an angry and abusive manner.  She had read with her dad why mom gets angry.  I am just interested in what experts and those who have been down this road feel is a good and right time to discuss this with a child who contributes to wear her behavior.

[pilgrim]

If the BPD is undiagnosed and your son tells gd that "your mommy has BPD," it can be looked at by a court as him alienating the child from the mother with his unsubstantiated armchair diagnosis.  That would work against him in a custody dispute.

What you can do is talk about the behaviors without mentioning BPD, (until the child is 18 and custody isn't an issue).  I'm facing the same issue with my 11 year old.  Easy to advise, but hard to follow my own advice.

"She had read with her dad why mom gets angry"  -  What does this mean?  What did she read or have read to her?  If it mentions BPD by name I'd be concerned.

[Turkish]

If the BPD is undiagnosed and your son tells gd that "your mommy has BPD," it can be looked at by a court as him alienating the child from the mother with his unsubstantiated armchair diagnosis.  That would work against him in a custody dispute.

What you can do is talk about the behaviors without mentioning BPD, (until the child is 18 and custody isn't an issue).  I'm facing the same issue with my 11 year old.  Easy to advise, but hard to follow my own advice.

"She had read with her dad why mom gets angry"  -  What does this mean?  What did she read or have read to her?  If it mentions BPD by name I'd be concerned.

This is good information. I downloaded An Umbrella For Alex, not realizing it was beyond S4's comprehension.  I saw it mentions BPD specifically in the concluding message of the book, after the story. I said "uh oh" to myself when I saw that.  I share a tablet with my kids, but only have it authorized on my password locked profile. I may never read it to them. My uBPDx was officially diagnosed with depression, but I suppose I can't mention that to the kids ever? Probably not a good idea even if she "comes out" to them when they get older.

[pilgrim]

I have the book too but haven't used with my kids because it's kind of babyish for their ages (11 and 15).  Plus the idea of reading to the kids about "Mom having a hard time controlling her moods, saying mean things, protecting myself," etc.  and  my kids would exactly know I'm talking about their mom and they might feel I'm putting her down and they need to defend her or they would tell her and provoke another explosion towards me.

But I don't think anything's wrong with having books about BPD around the house, I think you just can't say it directly.

If your ex was diagnosed with depression and there seems to be a valid reason to mention it to your child at some point, I don't see anything wrong if it's done in a sensitive way to help the child understand and cope.

[Turkish]

I have the book too but haven't used with my kids because it's kind of babyish for their ages (11 and 15).  Plus the idea of reading to the kids about "Mom having a hard time controlling her moods, saying mean things, protecting myself," etc.  and  my kids would exactly know I'm talking about their mom and they might feel I'm putting her down and they need to defend her or they would tell her and provoke another explosion towards me.

But I don't think anything's wrong with having books about BPD around the house, I think you just can't say it directly.

If your ex was diagnosed with depression and there seems to be a valid reason to mention it to your child at some point, I don't see anything wrong if it's done in a sensitive way to help the child understand and cope.

Thanks pilgrim. I might encourage her at some point to talk to them about it, supervised by me because she's said stuff to S4 that is beyond his level and extremely invalidating of his feelings (the lack of empathy, of course). I called her on one conversation she had with him, and explained it, and she gave me permission to intervene if I observed this.  I encouraged her to come out to her family about the depression, when it as causing major problems 3 years ago... . on christmas day when I found her collapsed on the bathroom floor and a note on our pc that telegraphed suicide ideation. Things got better after she shared with them her struggles. Sorry for the thread hijack... .

[martillo]

I think you can address behavior without giving it a diagnosis.