BPD Going to Snap -- Dangerous

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Any ideas how to deal with the victimization and projecting of severe high functioning BP?

My W is deeply afraid of being alone or with kids alone and already has new partner but unable to bring him in picture because I stuck around.  :)aughter will not like or accept new partner only months after I'm gone.  Terribly fearful of how this goes forward.   Truly believe BP thought I would snap or bale and since I didn't she is stuck in worst place.  Alone. Most dangerous when she's afraid.  

Live in small town and already hearing the rumors of projecting into me and her the innocent victim.   I don't care what people think so long as it doesn't hurt daughter.  Scary!

[Survived?]

Any ideas how to deal with the victimization and projecting of severe high functioning BP?

My W is deeply afraid of being alone or with kids alone and already has new partner but unable to bring him in picture because I stuck around.  :)aughter will not like or accept new partner only months after I'm gone.  Terribly fearful of how this goes forward.   Truly believe BP thought I would snap or bale and since I didn't she is stuck in worst place.  Alone. Most dangerous when she's afraid.  

Live in small town and already hearing the rumors of projecting into me and her the innocent victim.   I don't care what people think so long as it doesn't hurt daughter.  Scary!

[ogopogodude]

Always have your iPad available to video tape.

Always keep it charged up in terms of battery level.

Be prepared (like a boy scout).

There is nothing, ... . and I do mean nothing, ... like video tape clips to have as documentation.

[ogopogodude]

Consider Tape-a-call app for your phone.

Then Record every conversation.

[ogopogodude]

Borderlines are bullies.

They are also masters of deception (of not only you but to others as well). They can make others believe their side.

Videos and audio clips of the contrary are very, ... . VERY valuable.

PROTECT yourself.


I did.

[maxen]

Live in small town and already hearing the rumors of projecting into me and her the innocent victim.   

why am i not surprised.

keep records: time spent with children, what children do or say. is there any way to get a third party to witness your interaction with the kids?

[david]

I was falsely accused of assault by ex. I went to jail for two weeks. Getting out I purchased a video recorder and a small audio recorder. I live in Pa and you are not allowed to record conversations without a court order. However, I am recording myself when I pick our kids up at her place. I have the video recorder in my car and just turn it on myself. When I go to pediatrician, school meeting, etc. I turn the audio recorder on before I arrive. I make sure I say the time and date. I put it in my pocket and go to wherever I am going. I turn it off when I am several blocks away. My atty said it is a good idea since I am recording myself. Yes, there are other voices but that is not important. Ex can say I yelled at her or whatever and I have a recording  (with time and date) of me doing nothing. I only communicate through email. We have two kids together (15 and 10) and I haven't spoken to ex in over two years.

[ForeverDad]

I was able to use recordings the last time I was in court.  However, when recording I failed to state the entire date.  For example, on one I said, This is Wednesday, July 3 at ... . "  Since I failed to state the YEAR her attorney challenged the authenticity of my recording.   They covered multiple years, so I had to resort to consulting my journals since some were played out of order, which was allowed.  I was not allowed to consult the file dates listed on my printout of the file names and dates.  And yes, the magistrate was checking her calendar to be sure the days of week matched the year I stated for each date.  Go figure.

[Nope]

Are you kidding me ForeverDad? That's awful. (I think I'm dealing with the same state as you.) Our recorder automatically names the recordings by the time and date. I hope that is good enough. Otherwise I've got a lot of work on my hands. *sigh*

[ForeverDad]

It was my 'mistakes'.  First by not stating the years in the beginning or end.  Second by providing a data disk and also a CD Audio disk.  For whatever reason they used the CD Audio which didn't preserve the original file descriptions.  Really, though, it was the only thing her lawyer could conceivably contest.  I didn't 'win' the case, she 'lost' it for me.

The calls were played first for the lawyers outside in a conference room since her lawyer claimed he had never received them.  Then back in court played for ex and she consistently said she didn't remember them but confirmed it was her voice.  Then played a third time since her lawyer contested their authenticity and I had to confirm they were authentic and state the dates.

Similarly, she didn't remember the GAL visit to her home the same way the GAL did and GAL asked, "Ms FD, do you have memory problems?"  Just one sentence from the court's decision... . "In the tapes Mother is often yelling so loudly that it is difficult to endure listening to her."  The divorce was over in 2008, custody was over in 2011, this was me seeking modification to majority parenting time.  Yet mother was given "one more try" and allowed to keep equal time in summers.

[livednlearned]

My W is deeply afraid of being alone or with kids alone and already has new partner but unable to bring him in picture because I stuck around.  :)aughter will not like or accept new partner only months after I'm gone.  Terribly fearful of how this goes forward.   Truly believe BP thought I would snap or bale and since I didn't she is stuck in worst place.  Alone. Most dangerous when she's afraid.  

Survived,

Can you tell us a little more about what this means? Why she is afraid to be alone with her daughter.

Is your daughter afraid to be alone with her mom?

How does your daughter express her discomfort with the new partner?

[Survived?]

My BP has a lifelong fear of harming her children. She has thoughts and ruminations that she would or hurt or could kill her kids.   She also experiences severe panic and anxiety attacks when she is alone.   

I believe it goes hand in hand the abandonment issues.  Now after reading so much about BPD, it's a safe guess that she simply have no core self, and become terrified of being alone by herself or caretaker for child... . because there is an angry out of control part of her... . that she fears or knows is capable of hurting others. 

After 12 years I never even really knew her... . meaning I knew something was seriously wrong,  but it was only about a year ago that I began to truly see the "mask" come off and then she started saying and going terrible things to me.  So much do that I began to believe she is capable of anything.   When she reached the very extreme side of the "I hate you" part of herself... . there is real rage and real danger.   

[livednlearned]

My BP has a lifelong fear of harming her children. She has thoughts and ruminations that she would or hurt or could kill her kids.   She also experiences severe panic and anxiety attacks when she is alone.   

I believe it goes hand in hand the abandonment issues.  Now after reading so much about BPD, it's a safe guess that she simply have no core self, and become terrified of being alone by herself or caretaker for child... . because there is an angry out of control part of her... . that she fears or knows is capable of hurting others. 

After 12 years I never even really knew her... . meaning I knew something was seriously wrong,  but it was only about a year ago that I began to truly see the "mask" come off and then she started saying and going terrible things to me.  So much do that I began to believe she is capable of anything.   When she reached the very extreme side of the "I hate you" part of herself... . there is real rage and real danger.   

How are you interacting with your ex now? Are there any face-to-face interactions, or phone conversations?

[Survived?]

Thank you all for ideas and suggestions. 

My BP has done the false police reports and RO's.  Threatened me to "destroy me" and this is really first time I saw "mask" come off.  This was about year ago.  Ever since, I began to really see and understand the switches.  I witnessed the rages or little girl crying for years but since then... . a cold and calculated intention to follow through with the threat. 

I have tried very hard to avoid any direct contact alone.  Public places or only with others around.  Mostly text or email.  Had one instance where she told me to call her and then she raged at me and threatened to come to my house, then text me that she would call police if I ever came to her house again.  Beyond unbelievable. 

There is another man already but so far daughter does not know about it.  I've already seen her with him.  Probably more than one.  She cannot be alone she has to find new partner and start the cycle all over again.  Clear history of this. 

Daughter loves mom very much and not openly afraid of mom.   That's the deep pathology here. The BP is master of twisting and manipulating.  Just a game.  But daughter very confused and repressing.   That's just as scary. 

I actually met do bribe today previously married to Narc... . finally someone who expressed almost precisely what been through.   Physical, emotional and above everything psychological battery that goes on until one is barely alive.   F.O.G. In every way shape and form.  Even after it's over the fear remains... . that such a person is capable of anything.

[Take2]

It's been almost a year since I saw my ex's "mask" fully slip and saw a person off the charts out of his mind raging at me.  I'd seen rages before but this was way different.  That's when I got really scared.  That's when I hid in the bathroom at work crying my eyes out (we work together).  When things from his past really started adding up for me... . all of his accusations of his ex stalking him (I already knew he'd stalked me at least a couple times), the questionable story about one woman who simply up and left him to move across the country without ever telling him (WHY?  I would love to know... . ), him making threats to "destroy" me - my work life, my home life, etc.

A close friend of mine eventually convinced me that he wouldn't make good on his threats because it would cause him to lose control over me... .   she was wrong... .   he will take it as far as necessary... .   sometimes I think it must surprise him too - but maybe that's wrong.  I just know that each positive interaction with him backfires and results in more hardcore rage back at me... .  

I have often wanted to tape our conversations - I don't know if it's allowed in Texas where I live but I honestly don't care.  Hopefully I'll never be in court with him but of course the threats of RO's have been made. 

Not fun when it truly gets scary... .

[ForeverDad]

I have often wanted to tape our conversations - I don't know if it's allowed... .

Some states do have two party notification laws, some don't.  However, weigh the laws against the different consequences... .

If you don't record... . there are risks you won't have any defense against false allegations or convincing basis to seek protection from him.

It you do record... . and you are in a two party state, you'd be technically in violation but the odds are there won't be any huge consequences.  I've been on here for several years and of all the members passing through here I've only heard of a very few, less than a handful, that had a judge get upset over recording.

My point?  The risks of recording are far less than the risks of not recording.  Why are we so worried over what many see a small infractions of the law?  We're the sort of people that are so very cooperative, fair to a fault, that we would put ourselves at risk rather than do something that might be technically wrong.

These days so many devices can record - cell phones, voice recorders, music players, camcorders, cameras, pencams, etc - so many that the odds of being more than lectured are relatively small.  So start protecting yourself.  (Just don't shove a recorder in his face!  Do it very quietly.)  Around here we also call it Documentation.

[livednlearned]

We can go to very dark places in our thinking when we see what's under the mask, and if there is no empathy, it can be chilling. Then to have our children involved. I can't think of anything I've been through that comes close to this.

But there is also (literally) a method to the madness. I remember reading in Gavin de Becker's book Gift of Fear how he knew whether his mother was going to shoot his father for real, even though she pulled a gun on him regularly (and vice versa, they sounded like quite a pair). He explains in his book about how there is a very instinctual, almost primal part of us that can detect true danger, vs the anxiety that many of us experience when we are chronically scared (anxiety being a form of imagination).

I do think that BPD sufferers are more triggered during the divorce process because it is so intensely adversarial. It is triggering for everyone, BPD sufferers even more so.

It was really helpful to me to talk through my fears with a therapist. I had a good one. We would talk in session after session about my fears. And very matter of factly, she would counter those fears, pointing out the method to N/BPDx's madness. It helped me recognize that I have a very fierce and finely tuned radar for danger, and then I have anxiety. They're different. This is not to say that the coast is clear and N/BPDx is a pussy cat. Just that there is a super dark place, and then there is the pathology of BPD suffering. And of course, then there are the courts, creating a tinder box that we have to defuse over and over.

You need someone in your life that you can talk to, someone who has experience with PDs, to help you figure out the method to her madness. We are often so alarmed by what is broken in our exes, because someone having no self is a frightening thing to witness, that we don't differentiate between manageable dangers and extreme dangers.

That's why it's so important to read reputable, well-researched stuff about BPD. Understanding the disorder can help us take care of ourselves.

[marbleloser]

This will pass. Focus on the kiddo 100% and consider getting her in therapy if needed. It was great for my kids.

As for the rumors,people will figure out the truth in time. My stbx did the same,but now,almost all of her friends have abandoned her and have become my friends. Teachers have seen the truth. Pastors have seen it. Even the local mechanic shop,after hearing who is my stbx, told me about the raging she did at them because they couldn't fix her vehicle THAT DAY. Just be the best dad you can be,and the rest will fall into place.

[david]

Adding to marbleloser. I have had many people from where ex works bump into me somewhere in public. They come up to me and introduce themselves. Ex works in a hospital and I used to stop by to say hello or drop things off to her when we were married. I don't remember many of them but they are all nice. When this happens I am usually told, "you need to stay away from her", "ex is a very angry person and you should stay away from her", "you were always so nice to drop things off, I don't know what is wrong with her", and many other similar things. I usually say thank you and we are no longer married.