Hurm... Fear of being alone will put me right back into Hell...

[Johnny Alias]

Ugh. So I've been "involved" with two women recently. Both extremely hot.

Thing is I can tell they are just not right upstairs. Ones a pill popper and the other has major cluster b traits.

I hate being alone. I do. But getting involved with these type of women is going to start the cycle all over.

I can't do it to myself anymore. I'm getting old. I want a kid. Being hot and wild shouldn't be my prerequisites for a wife and mom.

Everytime I do this I waste time. Years even. It's very disheartening to realize you're 38 and have been going out with similar women for over a decade.

I erased both their numbers so I can't call anymore. They aren't gonna give me what I want which is a family. I have to get good with being alone and weed out these women. Red flags only work if you're not color blind.

I've got dates with three women this week. I know I know. But I'm at least being pickier. They have jobs and good hearts. Goals. Dreams. Responsibility.

That's a start at least.

Don't judge me too harshly. I don't have many people left anymore family wise.  Best friend just died.

It's hard to sit in silence. It's hard not to laugh with someone.

[buddy1226]

I don't know Johnny. My experience has been that when I'm in a mad dash to find someone it doesn't happen. You date a hell of a lot from what I've gathered. Don't get me wrong. I soo wish I was to the point that I was doing that but for me when I'm solid, and by that I mean in shape, doing well financially, spiritually sound and confident then what I'm looking for finds me. Law of attraction.

Seems you're sweating this being 38 thing too much. That's young, dude. I'm 42 and was lamenting the same thing to my T and he is an older guy. He told me if he could go back it wouldn't be anytime before 40. You're young, man. 38 to me seems like a long time ago and it was a good time. You're in your prime.

Give yourself a break. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and people like you don't  end up old and alone. You are exactly what every woman is looking for and you can pick and choose.

The good ones seem boring to me too. I need a little crazy to get my attention. Proof positive I'm effed up too. Being alone does suck. Especially after being with a BPD. We miss the excitement. I had my whole life yanked from under me and really don't know where to start now. Like I forgot who I was and what to do.

We've been through hell. We need to give time, time. My two cent.

[Johnny Alias]

Thanks Buddy. That was a VERY honest opinion of yourself.

You're really probably right. I'm not right physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually right now... . And I will end up attracting the wrong person if I'm not careful.

Just had a long talk with my dad. He cheered me up. He's a Bona fide narcissist so it's hard I get a word in edgewise but he still helped.

No one completes me. I'm already complete. I have to hammer that into my head and heart.

Thank god for my dog.

Maybe I should hang up the dating shoes for a while. Man. It would be hard. I'm an insecure narcissist myself and NEED attention. I admit it. I'm trying hard to fix this with therapy and my plan to volunteer... . But man.

I just didn't get the love from dad growing up. That's its root. He admits it.

I'll try to take it easy on myself and give time, time. You've got a great attitude bud. Thanks for lifting me up. Gotta stop carrying this judge and jury on my back.

[myself]

JA, facing this need for attention may get to the heart of what you're going through. A break from dating can become a better r/s with yourself. Whatever we keep having problems with are the things we keep having problems with, you know? For many of us, that's loneliness. Wanting to be noticed and loved. Chasing this may push it away, because the focus isn't really on yourself. It's on the next time you get attention. The next score (sounds like drugs). Sitting with yourself, listening to yourself, giving yourself the attention may do you a world of good. When you feel better about yourself, you'll attract a better partner. It won't just be on the surface. You won't burn yourself out, you'll build yourself up.

[Ceide]

Hey Johnny Alias -

Really sorry to hear your best friend just died.  Wow, that's a lot to handle.

I think you've got good instincts to be wary of the dating scene right now and I agree with the others to give time, time.  Personally, I've never been able to jump from one relationship to another.  I have to completely be over one before I can start fresh.  I know a lot of men do this, though, and in my experience, what it does is sabotage the next relationship.  The new relationship never stood a chance because it's haunted by their last relationship.

I also like that you've got a plan to start volunteering.  I'm sure you'll quickly find that you're not alone anymore.  Single for the time being, but not alone.  There's a big difference!

And yeah, dogs are awesome!

[mgl210]

JA,

I feel your pain. I feel the same exact way. I think that is the biggest reason why I am scared to face the music and move on from her. I know that sounds silly, but I am turning 39 this coming Monday and I find myself terrified that I will spend the rest of my life without any kids to be around or have my own special someone. Plus, it just seems as soon as I am ready to understand anything, she throws a wrench in those understandings out the window.

I have a mom, but I don't feel as if I can really talk to her. I am sorry that you feel as if you have no family. if it means anything, you can consider me an older brother and talk to me about anything you want. i promise i won't judge, after all, who and what gives me the right to judge your situation? I am here for you, as are the other people on this support group or boards system however you want to call it. Just know that you aren't alone. I feel the same way you do, about having no one to talk to. I lost a good friend bc of my ex, and a lot of my friends and the few family that do know about the situation with her don't even want to hear it. So, alas in a similar sense in time I am just like you. I know how that silence feels, but rest assured. It won't be there long. I have faith that something good is coming your way. Just be good to yourself for now and all. I know its easier to dish out the advice and then not take it by my own standards, but hey. if I can reminds you once again that I am here as well as alot of other great people on here. Then I did something right... .

MGL

[arn131arn]

Johnny, part of growth is keeping an open mind. I have committed to not date for an entire year with my P. Do u think u could be open minded enough to stay RS free for a year while you work on yourself and grow? What would come with a healthier Johnny, say, a year from now?

[santa]

Nobody likes being alone. I think what I need to work on, and maybe something that would help you, is to not think about things like goals, career, etc. Superficial things.

Those things are absolutely good criteria. Looks too. You aren't going to love someone if you don't find them attractive. You also don't want to be with a leech. That's not what I'm getting at here.

What I am wanting to focus on is looking for someone that isn't all about herself. You've got to find someone that is going to care about you and be a giver with you. We're all givers here. That's how we wound up with BPDs. They're takers. We give. They take. It doesn't matter if they're beautiful or have good jobs or go to church or have goals or whatever. The bottom line is that BPDs are extremely selfish. They're only for themselves. They care about what they can get from you, be it sex, money, attention, etc. They just take.

Women like that are vampires. They bleed you dry. It's like all the life gets sucked out of you.

We've got to find women that will care about us. Put our needs high on their list of priorities. Put us first sometimes. They don't have to be void of any life of their own. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying we need a woman that is going to give us the same treatment we're giving them. That's what I'm looking for now.